i am declaring that my work here is done

ill live

i like you. i enjoy being with you. i enjoy looking at you smile. i enjoy smiling with you. i like holding your hand that doesnt fit perfectly in mine. i like wrapping my arms arms around you when we are sitting on a couch. i love kissing you big cumfy lips ;). i love that i hate that i wait every second for you to reply. i hate that i feel like you only know part of me because i cant show you the other part. why cant i show you this side of me? the side of me that just wants to love and be cute and sweet? i just feel like you dont want that. i think that because of the signs you give me. unnoticed by you but documented by me, i take note of everything just trying to read you. its like youve seen a retracted side of me. i want to know what your thinkng. i want you to tell me what your thinking. i wanna tell you whats on my mind. what thoughts come to mind about you. i want to tell you how i feel about everything. i want you to ask me questions and make it seem like you want to get to know me more. cause thats all it seems i want to do with you. i think theres more to you than what your showing me. actually i know there is more. i just wish it was as easy for me to get out of you as it would be for you to get out of me.

i want to love someone again. its been far too long since ive felt love lingering in the air around me. i want to know that the person i say goodnight to will be the person to say goodmorning to me in the morning and mornings following. after listening to your sister tonight talk about her and her boyfriend, it made me miss the feeling of love that i havent had in a long time. i just want love again. i guess she was always right when she called me a hopeless romantic. to be honest, i dont think you really want the same right now. would i KILL for you to want that.... maybe not kill, but close to it. but if not. then shit happens and we move on. i just want to know what your feeling and thinking for once. so please, just let me know. ill be okay.

ill live.

i might not be in the best position for love right now, but bare with me cause all i need is someone to love.

if i were to be honest about YOU. all id say is.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE LOVIN SOMEONE THATS IN A RUSH TO THROW YOU AWAY?!
thats all. that sums it all up

last night was interesting.

i heard what you said last night while we sat on the lawn chairs. i dont want you to like me. thats why i didnt ask "what?" so you could say it again. i just want us to have fun. i dont want to like you so im not going to, and likewise, i dont want you to like me. no its not weird that you feel like we are in a relationship because thats how we always act but as i said earlier, please dont like me. it wont turn out well for eaither of us. hopefully you get to reading this.
its funny how the whole night we said "i wish you/i could sleep over!" and look at what happened.

youll be fine. after all, you have everyone to help you. keep yo head up

i dont know what to do. your having so much fun without me in your life i almost dont want to have you back just so you can keep on having fun. well then theres the thought of, well chloe could bring me as her date and we could all have fun. but she doesnt want to bring me. why? she didnt really answer it completly, but it boils down to her just not wanting me there. (you have no idea how much that hurt me). so im stuck. i want you back, but there is so many things keeping me from having that. its eaither going to be all or nothing soon. i hate to say that but its true. i have a feeling it wont turn out well. why would you want me over all the fun your having?
we know what we have to do but refuse to do it.

i just want you

what to even say. so confused.
i want you out of my life, but at the same time, i still want you.
to be totally honest, there are alot of different ways i feel right now. all of these feelings have their own thing to say. i do know one thing though. i want you. no matter what i want you. but not this time. i wont throw my line for you to save me this time. i know we can work. it hurt me the other day when you agreed with me when i said we couldnt work. i know we can. but man. in 9 days it will be a year. amazing to think what can happen in one year. i dont know why you loved me like you did. i was never that great. i know why i loved you so much though. cause you stuck around. and i think when i hear that you are leaving or you like other guys that shows me that your leaving and it makes me not love you like i used to. i just want to behappy with you. i want to not have othr people in our lives. i want all my thoughts to be about you. i want to not even want to talk to other girls. i just want you chloe.



WHY ARE WE SO MEAN TO EACHOTHER! its like we purposly act different. like we are trying to be rude. i hate it. i just want it to be how it used to with us. like man, lets just throw our phones away and fall in love once more.

i miss you

love forever and always

im not supposed to feel this way. you didnt atleast. but i have to move on. we have to move on. we cant have these things going on between us anymore. hands down. no matter how much we want it, it will just turn out for the worse. we need to let go of what was and realize that what IS is alot different than what WAS. maybe im trying to make myself think this but right now thats how i feel so thats what im going to write down. do i think your perfect? yes, your amazing just the way you are. so stay that way. dont change. as they all have told you, your the most genuine person ever, and you have the biggest heart we have ever seen. so go shine, but shine without me. you dont need me. but ill always be here. im sorry. im so sorry. im done playing with feelingss. it doesnt make me happy. it only hurts me to know that im the tool thats taking appart people i love. so im done.

love is everlasting, its eternal.
it goes on and on, it goes beyond time
love is the onlything that will last when you die

i will always be here, you know that. im not saying good bye what so ever so dont think that. im just limiting what i can feel. i understand if your upset right now, or sad, or maybe relieved. well i dont understand that but who knows. i just hope you accept. no body can love you more than i do.

love forever and always,
your William James Beaumont.

not this time

i would tell the world my feelings, but i think id be wasting my time. lets just say, not a good night to top off an already awkwward and lied about weekend.

always

now, YOU. i miss you, i want to relive our past because i feel we have lost it. theres just no way to fix things. i want you but i refuse to have you. it kills me everytime she looks at me when i drive and i can see her out of the corrner of my eye and i just wish it was you right next to me. or when we were laying on the sand and i wish it was you and i, escaping from the wind by barracading (spelt shit wrong!!!) ourselfs in the blanket. i just wish you were them. allways. but i cant do it. i cant go back to that. when im with you, and when i sit down and hear a love song, all i want is you but when i come back to reality i know its just bad for me. maybe this is your time to go play on the jungle gym instead of sitting in the class room waiting to be picked up. make the most of your time. wait out on the play ground. i confess you are the best thing in my life. i think im going to go, for a long time. i think thats whats best for both of us. i want to stop hurting you. it will only hurt for a little while. then after that, you wont feel a thing. ready?
i love you bubba,
for ever and ever,
my bubba.
love,
always your bubba.

you's

you: you like me, you always have. but i have no interest in you. we have grown increasingly close over the previous year but i dont want to hook up with you anymore. i just want to be like your brother kind of thing. you have been some of my firsts and i have been so many of yours, but please, lets just be good/great friends.

you: your mad at me because i dont show you enough attention. because the plans you wanted to do with me all summer never happened. im sorry i dont treat you well enough. i think it might just be that i dont care about you anymore.

you: STOP! why are you so head over heals for me! i dont like you. you weird me out every time im with you and i hate being labeled 'yours' when you and i both know im not at all! i almost hate seeing you when ever i do.

you: i told myself i wouldnt go out with anyone soon after, and if i found a girl that i thought itcould work with, id throw her away because i dont want that. but i guess all i have to tell you is that as great as today was, it has to end. it doesnt feel right when im still in love with her. ya know today when you said "okay, this feels like we are really close friends" i have a feeling i like that alot more than the other times.

you: i love you and i cant get you out of my mind. but i cant do that again.

you: i dont know you very much so far, but i have absolutly no interest in being anymore than friends with you. sowwy

dispicable

what is happening to me... to us?! are we moving on? wanting to move on? needing to? who knows right now. but all i know is that im worried because its becomming ever so common that we arent talking every day. that we can go a day without talking to one another and it almost feels fine. thats now how i want this to be.

i do have one thing thats been pressing my mind recently. all those mean things you say about me (when your mad) about how shitty i am and so forth. do you actually feel that way? i know i NEVER say anything like that to you when im mad unless i truely feel it when im mad and when im not. it just seems, immature for you to be doing that so id like you to stop. cause it hurts me more than you know.

well, i hope you had a good date tonight (sincerely) if that is what you went on. i cant say i dont care because i do, i just have a very strong feeling that you wont go full force with him. lol just a gut feeling. and a cocky feeling too. but ehh. so sorry for not writing back. i fell asleep and then got awaken to some yelling. its just, you want to work on US, but you care about me and other people too. its just sometimes odd when i look at it. now i am in no way comparing you to shaleena or anyone else for that matter, but none of the other girls ask who i hung out with, what i did with them, and if i do happen to tell them, they dont pitch a fit. i understand that you care, because i feel the same about you. but we relinquished the rights to be able to have a say in the other persons outside life a while ago.

i love you,
goodnight

you

im still head over heals for you. sadly

theory of a dead man.

its never enough to say i love you.
no its never enough to say i tried.
its hard to believe that theres no way out for you and me.
it seems to be the story of our lives.
NO BODY WINS WHEN EVERYONES LOSING.
theres still time to turn this around. you could be building this up instead of tearing this down.
but i keep thinkin maybe its too lateeee. its like one step forward and two steps back. NO MATTER WHAT I DO, YOUR ALWAYS MAD. and iiiii cant change your mind.

it kills me to see us be like this. but i think everything i just wrote sums up how i feel. your destroying what ever "this" is so much faster than anything else, and i wish you would stop. but i just cant change your mind.

nothing at all is fair anymore. nothing...

"i wish i could hurt you as bad as you hurt me."

if thats your goal, its a waste of time and a waste of a goal. no one can hurt me to the point where i will truely be effected. theres only time for 6 people to hurt me like that. only 6 can hurt me to where it will effect me. good luck

ignored by one, being ignored from the other.

ignoring one, being ignored from the other. it kills me everytime i think about this one who hasnt given a damn about me to call me. people might complain about 9 months without you, but ive gone 6 years. almost 7. it will be 7 this october. it kills me everytime you come by, dont bother comming to my room, or asking to talk, leaving anote, calling me even. why does it seem like the one person that everyone needs in their life leaves me, twice. and its not like they leave and keep in contact, they just go... poof one day they are gone. thats honestly how both of them have been. ='(.no one knows how much stress this puts on me, being the man of the house. not having a man to lean on. i feel like i need help all the time but cant ask anyone. and people think its okay to add stress to my life. like i need anymore. if you add stress, leave my life please. please just go. if you think you can help, stay. i just dont know what to do sometimes.i just dont want responsibility. i dont want commitment. i dont want to worry whatpeople think, or what one person thinks. i want to do what i want.

i love you

i found out what it is. im done being treated this way. i dont want this to make you mad so if you can, please refrain from thinking angry thoughts. just be emotional about this and try to see this from MY side. but please dont get mad, it wont help anything. ive had people COME TO ME to tell me how poorly im being treated and its embarrassing. =/ i love you but i dont deserve to be treated this way. do you deserve what i did to you? not at all and i apologise greatly for that. i know that i dont want to be treated that way. i know that i want someone that makes me happy like you, but doesnt treat me like that. to be honest, i dont want a girlfriend right now anyway. not so i can go hook up with girls, but it just lifts alot of weight off my shoulders. im not interested in anyone else, i can promise you that. i still love you, and i still wish we could be together.

what are we now? im sure thats what your thinking.... do we ever know? no, so dont ask me this question. this question has defined the last 11 months. lets just be what ever the wind brings us.

i love you.

guts

i just have a gut feeling about this one. a really strong gut feeling too

one mountain i can not master

its a wasted effort. a hurtfull one. a poisonous one. a destructive one. trying to change something about me that is implemented that deep is impossible. i can not change that. thats like asking you to not be annoyed of so much stuff. my mom always said that im going to a hard husband to have, just because i dont show my emotion. you have to read me. my little signs, my change in tone, in voice volume, my movements. its part of who i am. i am truely sorry i cant be different. i just dont know how to show my anger directly when i feel it. thats one potential flaw i have. i hope you understand when you read this that as much as id like to be perfect for you, there are things like this that i just can not over come.

in on a boat mother fucker

where we are headed. i dont know. i feel like your just breezing through this while im here pushing through the buckeling waves. im going to stick with that analogy about the boats. i like it alot. are we in the big boat or our own little thingys? i hate this chloe. i just wish it was yes or no. black or white. but with you and i, its not. i guess im just glad we are talking because thats really all i can ask for. so with that said, im going to try and be positive with that in mind, that i dont deserve anything more than us talking and i hope that what ever you do, you become happier because of it.
i hope today opened your eyes. i knwo it did to me.
it opened my eyes possibly wider than they have ever been opened before.

before you get here

im writing this before you get here.... im mad at you and i dont want to get back together.b ut im sure that will all change once i see your face

goodnight bubba

oh how will tonight turn out. itss 8 26 right now and its hitting me all too hard. the feelings ive pushed asside the last couple days are just comming up and bursting through the surface. i cant tell you how proud of you i am. oddly enough, im proud that your ignoring me. i hate it just as much too. i just know that the only way for us to get over eachother is to not talk. but i guess its just come to me that i dont want that. i miss you. i need you too it seems tonight more than ever. kevin came by today. we didnt have the best conversation to say the least. my mom said shes scared about kevin and she needs my help. i am missing you and we arent talking so i dont have the support you unknowingly give me. i just wish youd talk to me, but if your intention is honestly to ignore me, than continue with just that. more power to ya. well i hope your having a great time in palm springs! i hope your getting tan and dark! i hope to talk to you soon.
goodnight bubba.

enjoyment

well last night sucked. for me atleast. i hope you managed to find some enjoyment from it. but im glad you said what you said. im glad you want me out of your life. not because thats what i want, but it was a decision finally. i told you alot last night that i love you. that i love you and love you and love you. i still do. i said that i didnt like the way you treated me and you said it was my fault. that may very well be my fault. but things like that have happened with other people and they dont react that way. im sorry. that i mess up, or that i dont get punished like you do. i know how much you hate it. but i cant help that. im also sorry that your father and mother get angry over things that... really have nothing to do with you. i wish we were different and more suitable for eachother. i wish that we knew how to be exactly what eachother wanted. i wish.... i wish we could go back 10 months ago.. back to when my life was perfect.but we cant. but if you really want me out of your life, i understand believe me, i do. but i just need you to tell me. dont make me guess please. but what you did last night was just mean. i hate when you cus at me (you know this) and you say "fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you get the fuck out of my life." thats just mean. and uncalled for. i want to be happy with you. thats the key thing. happy. im affraid our plans of being together after highschool wont work. and for other reasons than us not being together. if that makes sense. but i love you. again, i hope you found some enjoyment out of last night. sweet dreams

can you?

can you guess it now?

august 11th.

this will be my last blog. ill start another somewhere else. you have guessed the name before and if you care at all about it, youll try to guess this one too. its sad, this is like my 250th blog somthin like that. alll spauned from you. thank you chloe. youve absolutly changed my life. 100% flipped it around.

and yes, as i did lie about those 2 things. was dani wrong... yeah. was i upset when i talked about you to that erica girl... yeah... were they mean, a tad yes. but dont ever tell me i lied to you for you to come back to me. i would never lie about how i feel. its those things that i keep true to. i would change up and down the street for you. id try to anyhow. and id put all my effort into it too. so i didnt lie to you, you can be sure of that. and that conversation... i did end. she wrote me about 5 minutes later.
reguardless, its over now. the last move has been made. so, i love you. its one thing you seem to refuse to say. and no. i dont think your being fake. but now it will give us time to fix the problems within ourselves. goodnight. i hope your able to get straight A's this year by the way.

its time.

its time.
for me to move on.
for me to be happy with myself
for me to be happy with my family most of all.
for me to find who i am.
for me to mold myself into who i want to be. because as we are all told, things dont just happen. they take time to take effect.
for me to be the teenager. the teenager no one lets me be.
now its time for me to go. to go cry one last final tear. in the place where we spent hours talking to eachother, where we have had our expierences, our most embarassing moments with eachother, where we were comfortable. where the lights can be out, but you feel as if you can see and feel the whole room. where the soft buzz of the fan keeps things from being absolute silent.
its time.

regret

back to where we were. walking the same paths as before. breathing the same air. looking at eachother almost the same. your on the right, im on the left. we know the surroundings like the back of our hand. we know what the cracks in the road feel like. sure this time they might be in dfferent positions, but we know how they feel. the only thing different is what i do when im not with you on that road. im honest, and loyal this time. why? because i know what it feels like to be broken by the girl you love. is change still wanted? of course, no one is going to have a flawless relationship. i wish the same rules applied to both of us, and not one over the other. i wish the same for consequences. its like, if you do something, its okay and i dont say anything, but when i do exactly what you did, its a disaster and i get yelled at. its just not fair sometimes. but thats what i have to live with i guess. and ya know what, im not saying this as a mean thing, but you are bossy and you are controlling. maybe i secretly like it. who knows. sometimes i wished you would tune it down a bit. i feel like.... like... i cant find the words to explain it. like your still mad at me. who knows. and yes, im going to forget i talked to a mom for a few minutes. or i m going to forget that she texted me. WHO CAREs. its not a big deal. if anything went wrong, i would have told you because thats who i am now. i dont care about those little things. and if you care, that little whore didnt text me today. i didnt give you my phone with my email up on purpose, it just happened. i didnt even realize it. it wouldnt have mattered if you went through my texts because there isnt anything to hide. i know you dont trust me, but dont expect me to act different because of it. sometimes i get sick of how mad you get, but i guess its those things that make me love you. i was thinking today if i thought we were going to last. by god i hope so. i SOOO hope so. i dont want to have gone through all that for nothing. i cant tell you how much i appreciate talking to your father. not that it gave me ways to put pitty on myself, but it just made me see things ALOT clearer. just that, life will go on and everything happens for a reason.

there is one feeling i dont want anyone to feel about me... and that is regret. i have always hated when people used that word and my name in the same sentence. i hate it. i never want you to feel that way. please dont.
i love you, goodnight

morgan kalajian

im just getting mad thinking about this. you are actually going to let him think i tried getting with you!? you of ALL people should know i dont want to do that. you said it yourself, im like your brother and i began to feel that way too. im not intrested in you, i dont have an attraction to you, i dont want you, i dont need you. but to have you CONTINUE to let him think that is just APALLING! i dont know what happened with you, but to tell him that... just wrong. on so many levels.

karma is a bitch

well, im gonna stop by today to ask you one question. i think i know the ansswer, its just that i need to know the definite answer.

demons

well well. i blew up last night. i dont hate you. i have a completly different outlook now than before... kind of. when catlin leaves, let me know please. and yes, we are going to be talking for a little bit. but im sure you can put up with me for that long.

4.38

im just not healthy right now! im going insane. im scared for myself. im terrified. im shaking. im screaming at 4 37 in the morning. im waking everyone up most likely. im ripping in half. im punching everything insight. i just wish you were here in my sights

i cant describe it correctly.

i will do everything i can to hurt you. you filthy little bitch. i never thought you would take it that far. god. just leave me alone. NEVER talk to me again if your going to say those things to me again. you have broke me in half. ive never kknown this kind of pain existed. i cant express to you what kind of beastial wraith ive expierenced in the last hour. i hate you chloe. i just hate you.

i. hate. you

i wish you could see me. its like a movie. of some crazy guy exploding. making weird noises. dieing, from the inside out. i have never been killed before. you murderer. it was never worth the risk. i hope you know what you have done. i hate you.

i. hate. you.

time to press the erase button

crushed. theres no more plan. that those 3 lines. ruined everything.

am i that terrible to see? i dont care. i just dont care if you trust me again. id love you too but i cant ask that much of you. i do just ask that you dont have a cold shoulder to me. im not trying to kiss you, im just trying to see you. i do anything i can to see you. purposly leave your bracelet at home. find the most random things so i can drive over there. driving on zero DTE the whole entire way, risking running out of gas. i guess i just have some plans of my own that i think youll be supprised with. i dont know if im being too positive about all this or not. i hope not. but we will see. you have suprised me so far, i wont be supprised if you suprise me with this too. 2 days down. not many to go.

sometimes

sometimes

akjsadsas;lkmanseria

heartbroken as ever. but trying to stay as positive (fake) as can be.

heartb roken

heartbroken. im learning that the cracks in your broken heart, are only meant to be filled in happy moments. this blog didnt turn out as i wanted it too. i cant find the words for it. bleh

maybe... even after that...

cross my heart, hope to die, i swear i wont say what happened that night. so starting today things are going to be alright. your best you trie,d yeah you did fine, no better than fine, perfect in my mind, infact i wish your heart was mineeeee. and i can hear the memories in my ears back to the years and all of those tears, so hear me when i say im glad we steared that way because now we are here.

lets see. i thought id be sad. i was sad. i still am heart broken. but, man i didnt expect this. imtaking this as a learning expierence. MAN O MAN! its like my character has changed 180 degrees. atleast for the last 6 hours or so. i hope this lasts. i hope this proves to be a great thing for me.

im liking this. just hanging out. thats all i want is just to hangout and im happy i have people that want to do just that with me. well. jacoozie is burnin!

i still dont know if you care or not. but if you do. you will know what is the truth and what is a lie. you know me better than anyone, you can determine that. love ya!
"maybe... even after that..."

just leave me be. why you just leave me be.

of all the times. ive learned. next time, next chance i get, i wont let it go. too bad those chances rarely come around.

the only always is fear and yourself

what goes around comes around.
i guess i got the short end of the stick for this one.
i hope im making everything go smoothly. for everyone.
i dont even know what happened to tell everyone the truth. i just dont know. and i dont expect to get a response.
we used to always be told that our past can always come up to the future and bite us in the butt. perfect example. after the realization and determination sets in to be perfect, this happens. the past comes up. and what do i do? what im most comfortable with. i lie. up and down i lie. i guess my one flaw was that one lie. you wont go to sleep tonight because youll be thinking of all the other times ive lied. ill be sleeping tonight without that on my mind because i know that was my one lie. i am finding that when i change... change myself to be better for someone or for myself, it is always too late. too late by a few days, a few hours. a few minutes.

i took a walk today after i got home. went as long as i could. as far as i could see i put my destination point. obviously, my thoughts raced. it was like an angel on one side and the devil on the other. "well now we can move on to the next girl" "no, your going to stay single. figure yourself out first. figure out who you are." "well then lets go to hookup central!" "nope, stay clean. you know who you love. after all, you put it in that tree."
well since i dont think im getting you back, ill just sit put and grow and expand myself.
i miss you terribly. not because im not with you, but because i know, whether your showing it or not, your heart broken. and that is what kills me. i dont even think youll read this. it depends. here is how ill see it (dont get arrogant here): if you read this by tomorrow, you still want me back some where in your heart. and if you dont, well then you dont want me back. i dont know what to expect from now on. all i know is im going to be a tad bit weird for a little bit.

i refuse to listen to the ridin solo song. i dont want to be like that. i was done with hooking up a long time ago.


so this part is to chloe. YOU THINK I FUCKED LAINE!? ARE YOU JOKING!? so thats what this is about? this whole time ive been so confused. wow. wow wow wow. dont know where you got that.

back to the post.
well here it goes. cheers to the future. im scared as hell. i lost my girlfriend. my love. i am going to lose one of my best friends but it is no supprise because i can see the friendship slowly going away. im moving to an unknown house. i wont have my room anymore. i lost a dad like figure in my life. im growing up when all i want is to go back a 10 months. thats all i want. im expected to put in more effort into football because i have "alot of potential at any position." and i really dont want to. i feel like im not the man in my moms life anymore. it used to be that she would come home and make dinner for me and talk to me and just be my mom and then she would go upstairs and read or smoke. i know it must have been lonely for her, but she doesnt know how much i appreciate it. and now, its like shes got multiable guys going on dates with her. getting close to her.
im finding that the only always, is fear, and yourself.
im scared. and the only person i can think about is you.

blOOOOd, blOOOOD!!! ITS NA FUNNIIII!!!!!

battle between love and hate. it seems love is so easy to obtain now-a-days, but it is so much harder to keep once your in it.

i feel lied to. you have told me that you are just acting stronger than you and i both know you really are. that might be true. you say you are done faking the way you are feeling. that also might be true. yet you tell me you hate me. you say this right after acting completly calm and nonschelaunt (not sure on spelling) on the phone.
i would say pick a side. but, that has been decided for you.
as i said, good luck, and no hard feelings.

i do already miss you though.

always,
William Beaumont

stop it

its embarrassing. seeing you act like a teenager again. your trying to make up for lost time. time that you wernt "sexy" like you are now. its embarrassing knowing that those nights that you say "im going out, dont wait up for me." are just nights that your going to go have sex with some guy that you know. why are you such a whore? i would call you a slut but that seems more directed towards teenagers, but judging by how you have been acting lately, maybe i should use that word.

those text messages. i hate those. your not 15 16 even 20 years old anymore YOUR 47! act your age. your doing things that teenagers would think is wrong to do. and YOUR doing them. its embarrassing when my friends point out the "hot" mom in the stands and its you. i just hate that your almost not even my MOM anymore, your like this older cougar woman thats taking care of me that is some sex animal. i hate it and i hope tonight you got to see a glimpse of how much i hate how you have been with those whole thing.

ridin solo

love made me blind.

love made me blind.

love made me blind.

ooohhh ohhhh ohhhhoh.



i cant stop listening to this song. i havent done "me" in a long time. it seems that my life revolves around what you want. im kind of getting sick of it. very much so actually. i dont like it. i dont like how if i go to a place where girls will be i have to worry about you getting mad. doesnt that seem a bit wrong? i dont think thats a fair relationship. i just dont like it anymore. i dont know if your thinking "well i gotta change" but if not, i dont want to be in this unfair/wrong relationship. its just bringing me down. and espically since i cant see you very much, it sucks but neither of us can really help that. i love you, i do and you should never doubt that, but this relationship just isnt fair. and thats what i want. just a fair, fun, relationship. isnt that what you want? i hope it is. i know you love me, and i know if we break up its going to hurt. but here is something that might cheer you up. i think it will help me when that day comes.

"im so sorry that i didnt work out im movin onnn. im so sorry but its over now, the pain is gone. im puttin on my shades to cover up my eyes, im goin out tonight..."

i love you, if it doesnt work out, i still will always love you.

goodbye.

death
16 years old. almost 17.
most would assume that id be scared, worried, and feel lonely. i think they are wrong
i would rather have myself die than a 30 year old, 40 year old, 20 year old. ive had a short life yes, but a good one. if anything, i think that after death there is more to it then just blackness. i think that some how, we are able to remember our life and the momories we had. being 30, you have twice as long to have bad memories, heartbreaks, and failure. what a bad thing to think of for eternity. being 16, what can my failures be? getting an F or a D? come on, thats no where near not paying bills, crime, or somthing like that.

im scared of death, not because of death itsself, but of the unknown after it. id give myself for almost anyone i know. im always willing to die. i feel like im the first to lay down and give up. why? im not sure. but im always willing to go.
to anyone that will miss me, i love you. i hope we had good times while we could.
love,
William James Beaumont

end

this is horrible. being told to stay away. knowing that it will only be weeks till ill truely smile again. i hate this but i understand it this time and i will obey what rules are given. this is something WE have to go through and we will. im so sorry babe. if only sam wasnt there....

out of sight, out of mind

are you trying to push me away? make this time appart even worse? im trying to hold on. but all your doing is letting go. do you not want this anymore? it honestly seems like it. you havent told me how you felt in a long time and im not sure why when before, every day you would tell me.

tell me how you feel please

"im going to talk to who i want to and when i want to"

reguardless of the girl, or the story, or the problem. it doesnt make sense. nothing i say ever makes sense. its always "out there" and ridiclous. why? some pretty ridiclous things happen... and they always seem to happen to me. im sorry you dont think my story checks out. was i accepting of nicole sending me the texts? yah, was i writing back? no. and at the end there, i just wanted to see my phone... but you can be mad, thats fine because later tonight things will be quite alright.

reguardless of the troubles,
i love you.

lied too

i wish i didnt find it when i did. maybe, if i were to have found it now there would have been more juice to it. that you would have never stopped your unloyalty. i wish i didnt find it because now, even if you still have those thoughts you dont write them down. atleast not on that same blog that you made. i didnt want you to stop writing on that blog. i wanted you to continue writing like you were. what a dumb thought. of course youwouldnt write down those secrets... because you knew id check it and read them. i feel bad now because i guess. some how i feel lied too.

do you think

now, i know that i really have no buisness thinking this, but i have been. not that i really care all too much because we really dont talk that much anymore except for a few occurances.
so today, as almost every day, i take my rounds checking all 4 blogs. nothing..... 1 post..... nothing..... nothing. you havent written anything with actual feelings in a while. you always told me you always checked my blog. so i sopose my question is this....do you still think about me? ya kno, out side of any conversations that have to do with me. maybe when your at home or at school or anywhere but do you think about me anymore?

tough luck

bullshit. i dont want you to think about me. those memories? forget them. me? dont look at me. dont think about me. do all these things if you actually plan on ending this.... THIS. i dont care what you choose. the heart has been split, inside i hope you know im dieing.

not to quote from the song...
i swear that you dont have to go
i thought we could wait till the summer
and i thought we could wait till everything was right.
to mend us back together and kill the doubt.
i thought i could live in your arms
and spend every moment i had with you
stay up all night with the stars
confesss all the faith i had in you
its too late, im sure. and lonely
cause its another night, another dream wasted on you
so just be here now next to me.
you know the words, so sing along for me baby
(me) for heaven sakes i know im sorryyy
with my heart beside me, in shattered pieces that
may never be replaced (without you).

so, as you can tell. i miss you, but i hope your happy. but please if your really planning on doing this, DONT think about me. or look at me, and ill walk on the inside of the K quad so you can walk on the outside. its only better for you.

i guess i got a case of tough luck,
William Beaumont

this is to you.

this hurts. this is releiving. this is emptyness. this is hard. i just want you to know. that i love you with all my heart. your my love. my true, 100% love. no one can take that away. this is really hard for me also. im not sure really what to write right now. but my feelings are completly straight forward..... I Love You. plain and simple. we will work things out eventually. and when that time comes, you and i will be together, but until then. lets work on it to the best of our ability.

down different tunnels

back to square one. unsure, unhappy, unun depressed, looking towards the future, but not sure where to look. it seems there are three places to look right now. one of them seems gray, a little bit dark but only a little bit shiny. it seems that there is light at the end of it, but im not sure how far that actually is. it looks like i know this tunnel all too well. like i know every turn that will happen, every ditch that i will hit. i can see it all now, so familiar. down another seems shiny as all could be. but the ground! the ground has cracks and might faulter but if it doesnt faulter, the only thing that awaits is sun. a shiny sun, but this sun seems so different to me. i know what its like to be in the presence of the sun, just not THIS sun. down another is shiny, but it has this dull feeling to it. like something... something huge is missing. and of course, down another, seems dull black and dusty, but still, something is missing.

i just dont know what to do. one side seems so confusing and that so much work is needed to make it work, while the other side seems so easy. like there wont be any bumps. but i love the hard side. i love when there is the cracks in the sky with sun. i love it. i live FOR it. i live, to make it shine. and i live to let it free.

n****e

i know exactly how you feel unannounced to you.
i wont do anything about it. there is nothing i can do that wont hurt you, besides one thing. as each day goes by, i get closer and closer to cutting the threads that hold us together. a clean cut is the best cut, and so far, its been anything but clean. have i made mistakes lately? yes, and i think you have too. i want you to be happy, and i want you to move on. there are better.... much better guys for you than i. im just the guy that every girl wanted at the begining of school. there is more to life than dating the boy on the football team. im not that great. look how many times ive hurt you. is that what you want? i dont think so. and stop telling him to trust you. you lied to him. and you want him to trust your lies? dont do that. that doesnt lead to a good trust situation. believe me, i would know. i think you have to let him know the truth, and that your sorry, and it will not happen again. if i ever want you to follow my advice, its the advice in this post.
your a great girl, dont go to waste on a boy who wont do the same for you. be happy, for once. please. for your friends sake, for my sake.
please

my night

so robotic. the way we got off the phone.
goodnight.
goodnight.
ilove you.
i love you too.
k ill see you tomorrow.
yup.
k bye.
bye.
click.

its something i never wished would have happened with you and i.
our days are perfect, hardly a blemish on them, and then night time comes. not only comes darkness and cold, but also, feelings left over from work, your mom gets home, your tired and stressed because of school. i upset you because your fuse has shortened over that previous couple hours. why is it so hard for us to work. i almost hope that there will be all these problems and we make all these littlechanges to make it fit and up until this point, nothing seems to fit no matter what we do. but when we do make it fit, it will be a perfect fit. an absolute, absolute fit. nothing can be better than that fit. i think of it like a key, only one specific key will fit the slot. we have tomold ourselfs to fill that void.
i dont know what to do.

"i guesss what my question shoudl have been, is WHATS WRONG WITH ME? i want to change. for her more than anything else. i want to make her happy, i want to be the guy she loves, i want to be with her. i always have to a point but now more than ever. i just dont know what to change."
"when a really good guy comes around, the last thing a girl should do is let him go."


i feel like im changing for you, in anyway you wish, but i think its unfair because as much change as i give you, you wont acknowledge it. and its not fair that im putting forth most of the effort in this. i feel like im not getting treated and thought of, as well as im treating you. "does she deserve it?" one person asked me. if you continue to treat me this way, then no, you dont. but i love you, and because of that, you deserve my very best.

" flings are lame when you date someone y ou shoul dnever date unless you truly see long term with someone and if you really do i would try hrad to fix thigns and if it doesnt work you gave it your all"
my response " i truely did. i really am putting everything i have into this"

i just wish you saw, how much i try. how much i want this. how in love with you i am. and i wish you felt the same, because for a long time, i havent.

im going to try something new. 2 new things actually. dont ask me what they are, you will see one of them for sure but the other you wont see. everything will happen for a reason, the best will happen. if you and i werent meant to be, contrary to my beliefs, then we wont work out. no matter how much effort is put into it, some plants just dont bloom. its a shame beause so much effort was thrust forward to helping it bloom, but it still does not.
as much as i love you, and as much as i miss you, it will not be i that regrets not trying, it will be you. when, and if, this is all done and over, i will know i put 100% effort into this. i cant say that you will feel the same.
on a better note, i love you and i will continue trying, trying for us, until there is no more us to try for.

i love you,
sweet dreams,
WJB

here is something, i wrote to a friend of mine.
" but i LOVE her, (friend). i love her. i love her i love her i love her i love her. its something i cant deny if i wanted too. but i dont think she can say the same. but reguardless, like i said, she deserves it because i love her."

tonight, talking to those people, really hasshown me something. that i do love you. that i am putting 100% of my hear and effort into this to try to make it work. if it doesnt work, it doesnt work. i cant force anything to work. it again, just shows me that i love you.

i love you.

who i am

in the end everyone ends up alone. losing her, the only one whose ever known
who i am, and who im not, and who i want to be.
no way to know, how long she will be next to me

just a little late

why'd you have to way?
where were you? where were you?
just a little late.
you found me, you found me

new proposal

i think, only time is holding us. im excited. purely excited. not scared. not frightened. not intimidated. im purely unsure of the future with you, with me. obviously, you know what made me write this. and i thought, ya know, id have months, we would have months and months to work. apparently not. we only have about 5 or 6 short weeks. will we work? if we do, will it ACTUALLY work? if we dont, will i go where i think ill go, will my summer consist of you? where will you go, who will you be with?

im so excited for these next 5 or 6 weeks to pass us by just so all these answers can be answered.
you have turned my life upside down. you have changed it in ways many of which unexpected and unconsidered and unrationalized. who i am is no where near who i would be without you ever entering my life. where i am is much farther off than where i could be, whether that be forward or backward i dont know. i do know, that i wouldnt change anything for the world. well, only 2 mistakes i made with 2 girls in the last 8 months. those two mistakes butchered this relationship to the point of ALMOST no return. but we are doing it, day by day. we gain 3 steps, lose 2. its a progressive program that is apparently taking baby steps. but that is alright with me. you always bring up negative things. so leave, just go. take your adventure out without me. be without me for the first time in 8 months. i might not be there when you realize that our... OUR time was not up yet. if fun is what you are after, and fun is not what your getting then just do this... "if you continue doing what you have always done, your just going to get what you have always gotten." CHANGE. change something, anything perminately. that what i did with you. we werent working, so i asked what i could change and i changed it. i think, again, i think, i am not sure about this, but its worth putting down in text. i think that every day im getting more okay with it if you leave. i never suspect myself to leave, until there is nothing left to try for, so in this case, you would be the one leaving. why i find it okay if you leave is untold to me. i love you, but i wont hold you back from happiness. i love you more than you know, more than she can tell you i dont, more than he, or he, or he, or she can tell you i dont, but i do. youd be supprised. but love doesnt always bring happiness, not at all. we have learned eachother in and out, and we have felt a wonderful feeling of love between eachother. this has been such a dramatic change in our life, but as each day goes by, its a love, i think we both wouldnt mind if it was in our memories. of course there would be tears and anger and punching (from my side) and cuddling up on your bed with my jacket listening to one of OUR many songs. we have broken eachother down, and built eachother up to be stronger than the day previous. you are a strong girl. you have amazed me sometimes, most of the times. you have talents, that can not be taught, they are.. they are. you dont know how much you impress me every day. i must say,as much as i like it. your size does not compliment your mind power. if it was such, you would be bigger than i, much much bigger. i look at you, and see my year. my junior year. i look at your body while your walking up to me. i see your toes and remember that day that i cracked your toes. i see your hair and remember all the unique smells it has had over that last year. i look at your hands and remember all the times i have kissed them, held them, or when they have embraced me. i see your legs and remember all of our wrestling times, or when id give you piggy back rides. i see your eyes and remember looking into them for scores of minutes at a time. i see your smile, see the whiteness, the care put into it, and i remember when that was not such a perfect smile, but a wirey, metalic smile, that i still thought was beautiful. i look your forehead and remember how we are similar in that unique way =], i see your cheeks and see the kiss marks left from the hundreds of times ive kissed them. i see your ears, remembering the nights that i have told them stories in secret, whispering them the truths of my heart. i see you, all of you, and remember holding you on my bed, in the car, in your bed, i remember you laying on top of me while i sleep and tryng to match your body up with mine. i remember all the dreams i have had about you, i remember jumping into the pool with you, i remember being on my roof with you tanning, i remember watching you drive for the first time, watching you fall in love for the first time. i have to say, yoiu have saved my life, from the trechories
we have been so many of eachothers firsts that its hard to say goodbye, because with saying goodbye, we think that we have to throw all those memories away. certainly, if and when we find someone else for ourselves, those memories will surely fade and only the strongest will prevail, and it will be those stories that you tell your children, your husband, your mother and father when you look back on highshcool, it will be those that you think about when you think about highschool. we do not need to let go of those, but we need to be happy and that is priority number one. ive been told twice that letting you go would be best for you and would make you happiest. neither of those people REALLY know how you and i are. they see it a little closer than others, but not much. no one actually really knows how we are. do i think they are right because they "have gone through this before"? no, but do i think they might have an idea? of course. its something ive been thinking about and its something i really want. and that is for you to be happy. tell me what i need to do to make you happy. if its give you space, space is what you will be given. just let me know. dont let your answer be altered by others imputs, espically ones that dont know really who we are... let this be something you think about, and an answer that you trust 100%. just let me know. im not sure when you will read this, but you will soon enough. i will not... iw ill try not to tell you about this, or ask you to think about it, but id like you to understand the quickness that should be given to this. it is something that will greatly effect OUR lives and is something i think we would both want it done promptly.

good luck. godspeed.
i love you will all of my heart,
WJB

thoughts

im just going to put down some thoughts about this whole thing
cause today, your words felt like a knife. and i am not living this life.
you completly lied to me. this whole friendship you hated how i lied. so i stopped... now your picking it up? hypocrite. i probally spelled that wrong.
your unloyal. completly.
dishonest.
and i thought i was a bad boyfriend.
well, there is a reason we broke up i guess.

new beginings

i no longer can so eaisly put trust in your hands. it was something i used to do without ease, without second thought. but not anymore. i dont know why its become so hard. well, id oknow actually, but i dont need to say it on here. its hard for me to trust you now. your so reluctant on not telling them. why? so, i did, i told them both. i wouldnt say it was in the nicest tone possible, but, i told them there was no hard feelings for the most part.

i wish we could take today back. honestly, i really do. but not much i can do now. even though we had an absolute wonderful time when we were together, it still sucks tht this is what we are left with. today was a mix between good things and bad things. i hope we ccan work out, i hope i hope i hope. i told my mom that today, getting in trouble was much worth it. that the little bit we fixed us was worth the punishment.

this is not something i will give up on. i thought it would be, but i was proven wrong.
im not sure what is in store for us, but i do know, as long as you match my effort, we will be just fine.

i love you chloe,
goodnight. i hope you had fun tonight.

the first time in a week that i will talk to you

i have to say i am sorry.
you will read this after tomorrow is over. after all the drama and possible fighting has ceased. i am sorry for putting you in that situation, but it is something that i dont agree with what so ever.
again, i am sorry for what happened... what will happen tomorrow because its not fair to you.... at all.
i love you.
william

the hardest days yet

three of the hardest days so far. this is honestly, such a drainer for both of us.

honestly, i think both of us just want to call it quits to take the easy way out. its odd, i broadly think back over these 8 months and in my mind, its as if we have been together this whole time. we havent. we have been best friends up until about 2 months ago. well a month and a half. we just honestly tried being in a relationship 47 days ago. we are brand new to this. to this side of eachother. it might not seem like it because we know everything else about the person, so much so that it annoys us, but we honestly are a new couple. we have been faced with something, so life ending, so.... destructive. we can hardly see eachother, we can hardly talk. its hardly like we are together, besides for the 70 minutes, minus a little, we are given each day to be with eachother. its not enough for us, clearly. i try everyday to think of ways so that we can see eachother just a little bit more. i expressed to you today that all we need, is a long day ahead of us, that we can hangout with eachother, do lots of things, take walks and talk and work things out. replenish what has been broken so violently the last 3 days. but we cant do that right now, atleast i dont believe so.



so what do we do? do we stay together, and battle through all the frustration and anger and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but risk getting lost in the darkness and losing eachother forever?



do we seperate for the time being? lose eacher in the darkness and find our own lights to run to in hope that when we get there, we can meet back up? that also runs the risk, that our tunnels that we follow might lead in completly different directiions.=[



or, do we break it off now. do we realize, as some people say ,that this is only hurting you (and myself) and that we should stop being selfish/rude and end things now so that we can get over eachother? we, of course would lose eachother, and if we did that, i dont think eaither of us would come back to a relationship again.



its this one question, that haunts everyone "what do we do?"

i know im not the best for you, but promise that youll stay.

jenn-"so your telling me, that if chloe broke up with you right now, you would be totally fine?" me-"yup i mean it would upset me, but id be fine."

my response i just sent to jenn- "actually, i take it back. if she were to break up with me, i would be a wreck, probally more than usual because i know there is a chance for us to work like we always fantasized."

"i thought you wanted to break up with her?"

me "i just dont want to continue fighting. i love her and to see her go, or even honestly contemplate not having her be the one i hold... it hurts. it really hurts me."

what are we to do when all we have is a bunch of confusion? lets make the best of what we have and see what we can pull together.

i love you. much more than i did yesterday, and the day before that.

relief

well, i called. heat blasting blood to my arms and legs. i dont hear your voice. i hear his. he tells me i shouldnt be talking to you for the next couple of days. and he also said "you (me) will be included in our side of this too." im not sure what thatmeans. but i must say, this somehow, brings relief to me. i know he will let me talk to you again, and life, will hopefully, but most doubtadly (spelled wrong) resume as usual. if you happen to read these tonight (saturday), give me a call. im going to the movies, but plans have changed. id love to talk to you, even just for 5 minutes. im keeping my phone charged all day, just if youhappen to call.

so many questions

constantly scanning all the known resources of which i can receive information on how you are doing, on what happened, on what will happen. nothing comming up. should i come over? would that just be a bad idea? so many questions going through my mind. im not sure what to do. what are you thinking? do you still want to be my girlfriend? if you ever honestly did? can we be together? what do your parents think? will we be able to talk? how long till you get your phone back? when can i see you? when can i talk to you? and again, will i ever be able to do those things? i dont know what to do. do you want to see me? talk to me? be with me? have me come over? questions, you can not answer. i think i might just come over. ill risk it. what ever that is that im risking.

the end of days

pacing back and forth, wondering if i should call you. dialing the numbers, listening to my heart pound in my chest. feeling a chill run throughout my body as the ring echos in my ear. "i should hang up! what if her dad answers? what if he sayd i ca never talk to her again!? God! just hang up!" and right then, i hear the most calm voice. a voice that almost always calms me, brings me good news, the only voice htat i trust completly. "hello?" she asks.
"hey! what happened? can you talk?"
"no, i cant talk to you right now."
"ever? or just now?" i started to get really scared and worried.
"i just cant talk to you. i told them everything."
everything?"
"yeah, everything. i told them everything"
"o my god." i started screaming to myself. the sound of the unheard yells inturrupt me for a second.
"but i have to go, ill talk to you later."
"oh, alright, bye." what a shitty response =/ blah
"bye"

my mind races thinking up new possibilities of what happened. previously wanting to take a bath, the idea now does not seem so great. "i have to wait by the phone. what if she calls? just wait till she calls." now, i sit here, waiting, writing, thinking, and breaking down. waiting for a call that hasnt, isnt, and will most likely never come. could this one be our down fall?

i must say, i am soo happy i didnt do what they had wanted me to do tonight. soo glad. =]

i love you.

goodnight

well, what i was going to say.
i hope you know, i already have something in mind. i am making the same mistake for the third time in a row. i just realized that and i wont be making that mistake.
goodnight, i love you,
sweet dreams

shame

i can no longer dream of you.
not that i cant, but it kills me too. i cant fall asleep with you in my mind because my heart beats too fast. its truely a shame

shitty timing

last blog for the night. its 11 35.

WHAT AM I DOING!? how could i be doing this so soon? already? really will? come on.not yet, dont do it yet. its too early1!!!!!!

book. think of a book

you insist. you always have.
i keep telling you. i always have. i keep telling you im a life ruiner. ha, silly name, but oh so very true. sooo true. many people can agree with me on that. yet you refuse to agree, or listen. thats fine, i appreciate optimisim, but im just warning you. the writings and pages inside me do not compliment my title or the pictures or words on the outside of me. i am drastically different, with few similarities. again, im just warning you now.

running

escape is not possible. denial is. you can not run from it, or hide, but you can deny it. do your best.

for everyone, but me.

alright. suit yourself?
sue it yourself? sew it yourself? be strong, please. for you, your parents, and morgan, and any friends that come your way.

jump

giving you strength.
i always seem to do it at the worst times. i always encourage people to do things i dont want them to do. DARE them to take the leap, PUSH them over the edge. why? if i do that, why am i suprised when they actually jump?

for you

i have to be honest.
i hope your crying. because i feel it may be the last thing we do at the same time. i odnt know if your reading these. if i know you, your constantly refreshing the page every few minutes like i am. i dont know if this will be definite. i dont think so, i definitely dont hope so, but who knows.
i hope you have a great night, or, as least bad as it could possibly be =], and have a great day tomorrow. by the way, im still going to the beach on wednesday, you welcome to come, the invitation is already given, just let me know.

oo! that feeling once more

i will try to replicate it as exact as possible.

i would really love a hug right now.
no, i dont want a hug. i want someone to lay with.
to just lay on my bed with. in the silence while i listen to them breath, in the booming noise of our hearts beating, in the darkness, in the light, in the cold, and in warmth, to lay with me in lonliness and company, to be still, yet mentally restless.

o, a feeling i have not truely felt in months. its time for that feeling to come back around, but, surely it wont happen for a while.


well, above is what i thought i wrote. now below is what i actually wrote.


just, lay down with, listen to them breath, imagine i could hear their heart beat, in the silence, the dark, the coldness, the warmth, the lonliness, the company

I swear that you don't have to go I thought we could wait for the fireworks I thought we could wait for the snow To wash over Georgia and kill the hurt I thought I could live in your arms And spend every moment I had with you Stay up all night with the stars Confess all the faith that I had in you

apparently not this time =/.

some things i said about us.

its because of our constant itch to be with eachother. our nack to come back to eachother some how. we always look to eachother for guidance, for love, support, care, protection, and a friend. its that we love eachother so much, we dont want to let go. we dont want to accept the fact that they might be intrested in someone else. we understand eachother so well, that we nick and pick at everylittle thing, JUST to bug the other. i do that more than she does.
(9:15:38 PM): we love eachother, to the ends of the earth.

prolonging.

lets see. im guessing that your thinking that you dont want to be friends with me anymore. HA, thats somewhat of what i have to say to that. now your probably saying, well ill show him! again, we have tried that in the past. if you honestly dont wish to be my friend, let me know, but i think any effort less than 110% is useless effort. not that i dont believe in you, thats just an educated guess based on the previous attempts to not be friends.

i wish we could do it how i planned. how i wanted to last wednesday. we were only going to break up until we got our problems figured out. i wouldnt not be talking to other girls like that, i hope you know. ive been tested in that department several times so far and each time i have proven myself that i can do it eaisly. i dont think you care about that anymore though. apparently your plans have far succeded mine. i think i speak for the both of us when i say that today killed me. i dont want another chance, for a chance is not what is needed. just a prolonging of the one i was already on.

i will see you tonight, and most likely cry as you most likely will do so when you get home. this doesnt have to be this way, this doesnt have to be this way.

you know that i want you to want me, you want to!
you know that i want you to want me, you want to!

dont talk

i can not trust you, at all. and you cant trust me, at all.
lets just call it even and dont talk?

can not be trusted?

you can not trust me. ive told you that for a while. ive told you that i lie, that i hurt people, that im rude and mean and again, dishonest. ive told most people that actually.
lieing. its something ive done forever. something ive grown comfortable with. i feel comfortable with it because, ive learned while living in my family, that if you like to keep the sanity, do anything and everything. that includes lieing. ive lied countless times, mostly though, to keep the peace in the house, or the relationship. there are those times where i have actually done something wrong and i have to lie about it. almost always though do i end up comming out about it somewhere down the line. but just like you, 2 of the 3 people that will read this, i am trying to not lie nearly as much. dont say its too late because its just the same for you. we all lie, dont tell yourself you dont because youd be doing so in the process.

leave the past behind. tomorrow is a new day.

i thought you were done with the past?
i thought you had forgotten it and moved on?
been ready to make a new chapter?
that chapter didnt happen, but you always said that your lack of commitment wasnt because of your past.
you said it had nothing to do with it.

i think you were lying when you told me that. i guess i always saw how muh deeper it hit you than, at the time, you even wanted to realize. i hate that it still hurts you? why? was it that special o f a chapter in your life? why is it still haunting you to this day?
well, i hate it. i dont know what to do to make it better. actually, i would bet that there is nothing that i, myself, could do to help you. there never has been anything i could do.....

motha fukaaaa

why are you so confusing?

apparel....

you simply do not fit. you are suposed to fit perfectly. surround me with your warmth, your protection and your comfort. i rely on you so much for you to do your not so hard job, but you cant. did i buy the wrong package? should i have gotten something else?

warmth- you are warm, not because you are made to be, but because your discomfort adds pressure to me, which causes warmth.

protection- i guess your protection is fine, you give more than what is needed though.

comfort- you arent comfortable. bowing out wherei need you to bow in. curving where i need you to be straight.
i think i did buy something i only wish to return.... bummer im stuck with you.
i wish you knew that i was just going to take everything good out of you and overtime, wear you out. then, once your of no use to me, i will throw you out and move on to the next. but you wont realize that, your not smart enough

war

every day, im bombarded with discouragement to do, what i really want to do. from my friends to my mother all the way down to propaganda. after watching the hurtlocker, the following day, my mother asked me, "william, what if you die? what am i going to do? how could i move on?" i always hated the line "to die for my country is the greatest honor." but its so true. i would love to die if it means the freedom of my loved ones. i would be proud to say i am in the military but i just wish, everyone around me would be as proud. ive never done anything that i know would make my mother upset, but this, this one thing is something thati will do no matter who opposes me, whether that be chloe, or zech, nick or my own mom. i am doing this reguardless. i dont know why i want it so bad, but i really do, almost more than anything. to wear the uniform, to be in that family, to have that responsibility, to be the leader, to be the man, ive never been able to know. possibly those, but i doubt that really is the sole reason.

parents

A lemonade stand. usually kids between the ages of 4-10 do these. what does this mean? does it mean that they recognise that it is important to have money? that they want to be a working class person like their parents (hopefully)? do they just want to have fun?

i think that they want to have a job, be productive, make money, be a grown up, all without knowing it. no 4-10 year old can see the reasons for why they would do this because to them, they just want to have fun and be like their parents, but they dont know what about their parents they want to be like.

did i get lucky or what?! its suprising, appaling, sometimes outrageous, but it shouldnt be. i know, i have known that i grew up with easy going parents. i was never introduced to the extremes that some parents take it. sneaking out. my parents arent HAPPY i do it, but they dont get really mad. now some parents would flip a bitch. they would have a coniption. why? see, i know the reason for that but come on, loosen up a little bit. thats how i am anyhow. he has a lip ring, you cant date him! why? because i have a lip ring doesnt mean anything, your just trying to protect her from something that you dont understand. keep your door open. why? im sleeping, i can have my privacy right? i am a big kid right? i am 16 right? what are you worried im going to do? masterbate? who fucking cares, im sure you did it when you were my age, stfu. mom, can i go with them on their trip? is there a parent going?! how old are they? who are they?! who else is going? do they smoke? are you going to smoke? i need to give them your medical card just incase! i dont want you doing anything. o, that boy is going! nope cant go, i think he might have gotten suspended one time, hes a bad influence. GO TO BED! ITS 7 30! (man have i heard that one alot) please 15 more minutes? no, its a weeknight (during the summer)!

come on, really parents? why are you so uptight? you wonder why you dont have a good relationship with your kids? im not saying i turned out perfect because i most certainly did not, but i would say that the relationship with my parents is much better than that of your relationship with your kids. now i hope anyone that is reading this is not thinking this is just about their parents. it might hae a part from your parents but it is not about them what so ever.

i just wish parents, accross the board, were more leinant, relaxed, caring, but carefree.

persons

person 1. we get along better than anyone i know (sometimes) and other times, we get in annoying moods where we bug eachother. i hate when we get in these moods i really do. i like how in a matter of hours, all past problems can be forgotten, and we can move on. i like how we understand eachother.

person 2. we havent talked much lately. not sure if thats because of something said or done or just the way you and i are, but i have to say, its not something i dont like knowing. you confuse me, probably more than anyone else. and i hate that. hope you had a fun break!

person 3. we havent talked much eaither. you seem more distant lately, like you dont care. i know you do because i read your blogs that secretly have to do with me. i dont want to lose you, but it looks like thats the only choice im given.

now, chloe, dont ask me who is who. PLEASE. =]

questions

question, according to dictionary.com- a sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.

why does everyone hate my questions?
i just want to know information. my friends hate my questions, my parents hate my questions, my dentists, doctors, football coaches hate my questions. i never thought asking questions would cause this much dislike. as for my doctors, dentist goes, i wish they would see that all im doing is trying to learn. thats all
for my friends, i just want to know more about you, more about the situation, figureout how you think and feel. try not to get so mad at them, because once i know the information, there will be no more questions.
for my family, suck it up, you have me for the rest of your life.

but just dont get mad, or annoyed. i know, it seems like its neverending. but i guess, your just dealing with a curious friend who wants to know everything if he could.

o golly

first off, i decided to write today. not because i had a real inclination to do so, but because i noticed an increase in thought going on in my head about different people and different things.... o and the fact that you all are annoyed that i dont write anything =]. i think that to inspire me to write, you all should write more too.... no excuses.

place 1: your cool air dries out my face as i whip through you. your trees give a calming aroma, your setting couldnt be more perfect. looking out into the distance, i see a desert, but i am standing on a mountain covered in snow. it lets me know that i am not far from home. "i am going to need a practice run" he says. i laugh because i need about 2 feet to get back into the fluent feeling seat that i love sitting in. curving, cutting, breaking the ground below me feels as if its as natural as walking. do i look cool? yea i probally do. im really good at this! no wonder i will go to such great lenghts to be able to do this.

place 2: usually, i dont see you very often. usually maybe MAYBE 3 times a year. for where i live, that is unheard of. lately, in the past couple months, i have seen you more than 3 times. more than i usually ever would. i love being with you, your breath, your smell, your touch. your skin warms me up when i touch it, your breath, can eaither cause shriveles or it can cause you to get all loosey goosey. i love being with you. hopefully, i will see you soon.

person 1: we have not hung out in a while. im afraid that i dont want this friendship. i dont know what to do though. it would hurt you to tell you that, but i think its the truth. if feel used.

person 2: im not sure what you want from me. sometimes it seems more than expected, other times it seems less than expected. i like being with you but its against the rules. you call me a rebel, should i rebel against those rules too? our ability to just sit there and have nothing going on and not be bored is unheard of. you say you were bored, but i really doubt you were. with you around, everything gets jumbled up. its like a thing of cotton candy. its a disaster of sticky, sweet shit, but it tastes so good.

person 3: i am becomming more and more used to your presence. it is not wanted by many, but it one that i love having around. we get along most of the time, actually, alot of the time, but there are those times where we cant stand eachother. i love being with you, the memories we have had together, the memories to come. i am happy of our situation now. i am, i truely am. i honestly hope, this is something that stays for a while and when it passes, lets not cry, because we will be better friends because of it

bad luck

bad luck? good luck? is there such thing as eaither?
why do people insist on alway saying "i have such bad luck." or " knowing me "blank" would happen" or "THAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME."
is there such thing as bad luck?
no. there is not
if you think about it. there are many different ways a situation could play out. you want it to play out one certain way when there are 100s of other possibilities. so it is merely chance that you would have good luck than bad luck. so, no you dont have bad luck, just chances arent in your favor.

romance

tonight, we saw Last Song.
it impacted me more than expected, and in ways which were more than likely, unintended.
not only did it give me an insight into what i am looking for in myself but also in someone else. it also showed me all the ridiclous impossible things that go on with movies. ill start with that
-one minute his shirt is sweaty, next scene, still standing in the same place, its not sweaty anymore.
-a piano, sitting with other instruments, happens to be PERFECTLY tuned for that song...
- the boy just happens to have a connection with her father. he also just happens to be the one that works at the aquarium, he just also thinks "im going to go stand 300 feet infront of her house so that hopefully she sees me... that doesnt happen.
- the boy just knows exactly what to say to her, to her brother, to her father.... thats just never going to happen.

now, reguarding the other thing.
i hate saying this because my mother always told me to never read love stories or marry a woman who reads love stories all the time. the reason she told me, was that the men in those stories are PERFECT. tall, strong, caring, athletic, a MAN, just PERFECT and that if a woman reads too many of those books, she will grow an idea that men are like that or that all she wants in this man in a book and that no other man can surpass a man made from words. she never mentioned it, but it can also go that way with men. its funny sometimes. i will watch a love story with a perfect girl. absolutly perfect. cute, caring, knows how to treat a guy, knows how to still be the loving girl. after i watch the movies, i will think "i want a girl like that. why cant i have that."
i notice these thoughts going through my mind of what i want my woman to be like. but THATS NOT REAL.

i know what i want my future woman to be like. i say my "future woman" because i know, that you and i will not be together. i would be lying if i told myself that. so for now, i am happy with you, i am more than happy with you. but i know what i want my future wife to be like. whether i am basing her off a movie or not, thats what i am looking for. or, will be looking for sometime in the vast future.

seperate

am i to blame for this seperation?

i believe so....

erased

not that you will read this, or that you will care, but no i wouldnt erase someone that hurt me. i know many people that have hurt me in some way or another, yet i wouldnt give that expierence up for the world. i wouldnt do that because, like you said, it would change who i am today. hell, if i erased savannah, a girl that i dated for 3 months, i would most likely still be at grace. if i erased alix, i would be at royal. if i erased debbie, id be at hillside..... my life would have been 100% different and i thank every person that has made an impact on my life for it.

its sad though.
to think that someone you cared for so much, so so so much, would erase you...

so long

no, i am not talking to you tonight most likely. im appaled at you. completly.
i think this is intresting, if you dont think i should fight for you, why should i fight for us?
goodnight.

defensive

its amazing how defensive i am with things other than myself.
i let people say shit to me all the time, but i dont react.
i will not let people say shit about my friends.
any of them. i wont let this go.
feelings will subdue but as soon as i get the chance...

joking?

are you joking? so much for a friend. a best friend? not by what you say.
honestly, i dont know if i have ever met a worse friend. i really dont know. to hear that you have been saying stuff, terribly mean stuff, behind our backs? nahh thats not cool.
i must say, your a piece of shit. worthless? nah, you have a good month in you then it just goes down the drain.
your rude
very inconsiderate
have a loud mouth
you are a good package.
great wrapping paper
but the inside is only a trap.

ive come to find that with you out of my life, my depression has faded drastically. it a miracle that all i had to do was throw away one thing and it will get better.
i dont want to talk to you.
at all.

shit

i dont think you could have been a worse girlfriend for that hour. support? no such thing. chemistry? not existing. love? nahhh. got my back? hardly.
i hope you find out what he said about you. i really do. it wont be from me though.

you!

i am finding it harder and harder

to transition into a phase that has been

foreign to me for so long.

to change what i say,

what i think,

who i talk to,

how to act.

i must say, it is harder than i thought.

i wont lie, i do question myself,

my decisions,

alot

just work with me through this,

through this like so many times before,

just work with me.

we, i, will have my ups and downs

my doubts, my triumphs.

just know,

no matter how i act,

what i do,

just know,

that i

am

happy

with

YOU!

some day, maybe we will meet again

IM NOT SAYIN!
IM SORRY!
ONE DAY, MAYBE WE
WILL MEET AGAIN!!!

i cant wait to be old enough to be free.
i am seeing myself have more and more independence everyday. i am very excited to have a job. to be able to support my 16 year old needs will be very nice. one day, in the next 4 years, i will leave, for an extended period of time. i will break any relationship i am in, i will ignore any phonecalls/texts i get, i will hug my mom goodbye, leave a note for my friends, pack up the car, get some gas and just drive. drive to new limits, and surpass those and creat new ones. i will drive to those, and make new limits. wether i drive north to canada, or east to boston, i want to be free from this home of mine. i want to branch out on my own. expierence what we all feel we have missed out on. i dont want to have someone checking the side mirrors making sure i made my turn correctly. i dont want to be called because my mom isnt answering her phone. i would just like to leave and meet new people. that is something i have always been great at. striking up conversations with people i dont even know.

"some day, maybe we will meet again"
i dont want to feel i have to come home to see anyone because they miss me. i will tell everyone that someday, hopefully i will meet you again. i will cry, just like i am now, but its what i want so much. throughout my whole life, i have been put in charge, been a leader of people, had to take care of people, been the door mat for people and i am sick of it. no, it is not my time to be relinquished of these duties just yet, but some day, some day soon i hope.

some day soon

scooters

i have come to find that most everything ive heard about you was true. things i didnt want to believe because they require someone to fake things, and if they arent faking them, then they just hardly have a heart. id prefer to think that you are faking these things but the more time that goes by, im begining to think otherwise. sometimes, i dont know how you have friends. not in a mean way, but just friendships are soposed to be able to tell the other things and expect to be listened to. i understand the reasoning for what you said, but why you said it is not understood. it wasnt needed what so ever and it didnt help anything AT ALL. i really dont even think it helped you. i guess ive just come to the conclusion that anything reguarding you can not be depressing, although alot of your private life is often times, depressing. it can not be about problems i have or problems you have, purely about "happy stuff."

closer than ever

im closer than ever. all i am going to say is that tonight, just felt right. im trying to buy time. see how much time i have to keep doing what i need it for (its a secret). i just want a little bit more but i will always want a little bit more because i never know what is around the corrner. i have come to accept the things that bother me and be happy for what you are to me.

let me warn you as i have everyone else. i am mean. i am heartless. i am selfish. i am inconsiderate. i will hurt you.

=]

nicole

nicole! my phone died. talk to me on facebook or aim?

nick -oool

good. ya know, there are those friendships, that i just dont care about. they always turn out in fights. i think its because one person will work harder for it than the other. they always turn out to have someone get hurt. but im glad your moving on. we will always have that connection that is not faked. atleast not from me. i would still like to see you every day, not because i have to, but because i enjoy it.

and by the way, did you notice i wasnt at school today, or yesterday?

weekend plans

this should be a really fun weekend. i have a feeling that this weekend will be loaded with stuff.
-fixing up the house and repairing things
-hangingout with morgan
-hangingout with carly
-going to a party on friday
-NOT doing E
-fixing the computer and getting it fixed
-football woot
- missing chloe =/
- driving around
- hanging out with zech alot! hes finally off grounding.
- just waking up early and going to bed late =]
- easy like a sunday morning!

anything

i dont think its fair. ive been thinking about it alot lately.
we both had people that we liked. people we saw ourselfs somewhat being with. i threw mine away, not because it didnt work because it would have very well worked but because yours wasnt working. i dont like that i feel inclined to do something just because you did something. i want to take that chance but im afraid its too late now. i dont know where you and i are going. if we are going anywhere, but i kow that i want to go somewhere. ive been told by so many people lately that maybe i just dont want you like i think i do. i think i do obviously but they are just saying it from an outside view. i dont like that so many things we do are because the other person made us mad so we do the same thing back.

i just wish i hadnt thrown that chance away. i also wish that you wont freak out about this too.

out of hand

are you fuckin kidding me. get over it. i told you exactly what i thought, not to make you mad, but because thats what you want. so i told you. but i also told you that nothing will happen........ believe me next time??? cmon!

home

i can not escape fast enough. i have never been one of those kids that hates being home until recently. i never want to be home... with you. your such a downer. its nothing you can change but its just you. right now, no one wants to be around you. i cant wait to leave this house. i am finding myself making plans, not to actually hangout with other people, just to get away from this house. this house is depressing. it swallows you whole as soon as you take a step in it.

who you want to be

it sad. to hear that you are torn up about yourself. hating the way you are now and loving the way you were. you hear it over and over again, wether its from me or someone else, be yourself, or this isnt who youare. we might not have known you when you were so, but we knew it laid in there somewhere.
its a funny thing, to see numerous people, including myself, wish they could be someone that they were before. whether that be someone more innocent or someone more daring. someone close to our parents, someone with more friends. someone more athletic, someone skinnier, someone with better grades, someone with a life. we all have these thoughts, but why dont we actually try to be like that? why is it impossible for us to change th way we want to?

i deleted you. from my phone from my aim. i guess the next step is to erase you from my facespace too but i dont think i will go that far. i always, always always told you that i wanted you to put forth effort but i never made you actually do that. i used to have your number memorized, i got called a freak for knowing it. but i have forgotten it now. i have no idea what it is. i know it starts with a 3 and thats about it. so, if i ever get a call or a text, ill have no idea who it is. and then ill decide if i should add it back, but if we are ever going to talk again, it wont be because of me.
i hope you find who you are, and who you want to be are the same people

partner in crime

well, i tried writing a poem. and i did but after wards, i read it over and deleted it because i didnt like it and thought it was pointless.



let me just say this. i want to hang out with you more too, but no more of these night time sleep overs. as fun as it is, that defines this friendship, sneaky, immature at some points, devious, secretive and pasionate. our encounters are one of a kind and always store a sense of adventure with it even though we remain only in the 4 walls of my room. its something i look forward too everytime, but its time to change that. as much as i want you to be my friend, i dont want you to be my sneakout buddy that sleeps over. i want you to be the friend that i can go to the mall with, or the movies with. when chloe and i go out, i cant say, o im going to go hangout with nicole and shes gonna sleep over.... that would be ridiclous. not only that, even I dont want to continue that way of hanging out. i think we can be alot close if we go OUT and do stuff. so, until we hangout in person, no more of this sneaking out.

would it make it eaiser if i just left your life? took a different route to football? left you with your best friends?

deception

let me just say, i know both of us are lieing. its funny

how strong we want to be in the others eyes that we break our

hearts to show them.

right or left.

this is strange and unexpected.
you refuse to be friends with me, yet you admit that your actions were wrongly committed.
you say your sorry, yet still ignore me in your own way.
you say you dont care, but i bet by the end of the day, you will have read this.
you suck at making decisions, yet you made this one pretty eaisly.
i think its about time you pick a side.

every 15 minutes

i thought i would laugh. joke with my friends about it. maybe even point and gauf about you being dead. i laughed o yes i laughed. but that was before i saw anything. i told my friends that you had died and how funny it was. some, mainly girls, said "aww that sucks" and the guys laughed and gave me a hi-five. so, 10 50 came along and it was time to go out to see the scene.

walking up the bleachers hearing my named called by ally to come sit with her. i thought that ally and i might laugh together so it sounded like a good idea. we sat, with the sun on us, not to hot, not to chilly. i listened to the dumb guys in the big group in the middle making jokes and laughing and saying rude things. we watched the white curtain that blocked the viewing of the car crash. soon enough, the police woman picked up the microphone and started talking. telling us about the dangers of alcohol and driving. the people pulled the curtain away to unveil the scene. one of those people, who i quickly spotted out of the group was you. i started tearing up, looking at you with your grey and black makeup on. to think that you had died, even though it was not reality, was hurting me. immediately, thoughts from the past started flooding my mind. i couldnt stop thinking about our 16 months that i consider to be yours. while i was lost in this story of mine, ally was talking in the backround about you and you staring at her. it was funny because i thought you were looking at me, that we were actually making peaceful eye contact. but i know you wernt looking at eaither of us, that you were merely gazing in our direction.

this made me think. why dont we like eachother? i think that it isnt that at all no matter what shit we talk about eachother. it think it all has to do with outside people or influences. your well aware of what im speaking of. but reguardless, i wish we could be friends. we always said we would love eachother forever, and i still love you. not in the same way, buti do and i would love to be friends with the girl i spent 16 months of my life with.

will i ever give this to you? i doubt it. do you care? 99.5% no.

always and forever,
your friend,
William Beaumont

sarah davis

this is odd. i thougt you hated me. you and your devilish dirty friend of yours. (the first letter of the adjectives is the first letter of your friends name by the way. im sure you can figure that out) i thought you two hated me. maybe it was just comming from her and since you associated with her, i thought it was from you also. apparently not. apparently you feel some what the same as i do. your understanding, accepting and inviting. your free yet tied down to lifes everyday necessities, your open yet confidential, your like me yet yourself. i feel lonely sometimes. not having very many FRIENDS more like a fuck load of hey's and whats up's and fist bumps to those people you are n o longer close too, but still feel intitled to acknoledge (spelt wrong majorly) their being. for what ever reason, i feel like you understand this. not because you have the same problem, but just you have an understanding of this. odd because ive hardly said 10 words to you in the 6 months we have sat by eachother.

well, thank you. to think that someone, one of my piers, someone going through the same school day i am might possibly understand something about me. thank you.

thank you,
William james beaumont

mamma bear

i think its funny when you talk about how you think i feel. i thought it was so amusing watching you today, sit a few feet away from me talking about how you think you and i are so similiar. you say that we are the type of people that almost always have "sunny" days and have rain every now and then. that we are mostly happy people. and that we should be because life is great.
well you are right, life is great, but as one of my good friends said, even though life is great, we are cold, from the tips of our toes to the hairs on our head. we are cold.
you told me how much you knew about me and how similar we are. well, my days are not mostly sunny with a little bit of rain. WHAT SO EVER. although you will not read this. id appreciate if you would stop talking to me about this. we do not see eye to eye on this so please, stop the attempt at being similiar to the one you love.
thank you,
william beaumont

amazing

lately ive been tring to use my adjectives correctly. for instance, bad, worse, horrible, terrific, awesome, amazing, wonderful, alright, good, so so, muy mal, just any of those words i usually use. one word "awesome" i am only going to use for truely amazing things. things or people that i have loved so much. wether it is a time a place, an action, or a period of time or a person, the word "amazing" will be reserved for those amazing things. just to clear that up

imagine

imagine this,
if you ended all the friendships that you felt you put more effort into than they do, or you feel yourself not caring when they put alot of effort into it. just end it. how many would you lose? would you lose any at all? would you lose all of them?

doesnt that make you feel that you should try harder? or if your like me, that souds like a good idea because you can get rid of all the people that bug you when they try to continously talk to you. i dont think that ending all those friendships would be such a bad idea.
why is that?
some of my "friends" try so hard, harder than i would ever try, just to keep in contact with me and to make me want them like they want me, but i dont care. for what ever reason they do not matter to me. not because i dont want them as a friend, but there is just something about them that makes me not intrested in their friendship.
its friendships like these that make me feel ridiclous for trying at all for others. if i put some of my friends what they put me through, would they try? some i can think off of the top of my head would split in a heart beat, while others would stick it out just like i have.


do i make it that easy to just walk right out of my life?

you wanted me to write

how i felt when you drove up-
bumb bum, bumb bum, bumb bum, bumb bum. fast and faster it beat. pumping blood through my body for the fight or flight reponse. i wanted to run. i didnt want to face you. i wasnt sure what to expect. i wasnt able to move correctly and my skin got sweaty. i didnt know if you were going to slap me, or hug me, or burst into tears, or put up a wall. i just wasnt sure

when you came in-
i cried. i started tearing up. i didnt want to talk to you, yet i wanted to squeeze you until my arms gave out. i wanted to be with you, yet i didnt want to be close to you.

when i saw you-
you were at the top of my stairs. i wanted to fall to my knees. i wanted to cry, burst into tears, let my feelings run unending. i was ancious to see you, to be with you, to hear your voice. i brought the laptop up stairs to ease the mood by the way.

when we started talking-
i felt so happy. it seemed that things were back to normal. alhtough i know they wernt. i was happy to have you in my room, on my bed, in my presence because i know you can not leave that willingly. i wanted to hold you and hug you and just do everything we would have done in the last 2 days in 1 minute. i wanted to tell you i love you.


my thoughts-
i still stand by this. i dont need you but i desperately want you. you asked about change... well you wont see change at first. there was not much to change on an everyday basis. the truth was given to you 95% of the time. you will see that go to 100%. that is the only difference unless you ask for another thing. i think what has happened is good. maybe it will set us on that "friend" level. so we can build from there up. that does mean that anything that happens with you and guys shall not be taken with jealously or resentment or the threat of disfriendship, and the same goes for me and girls. we are friends and best friends. thats what we are right now. not people who like eachother or anthing of the sort. we are absolute best friends. and i am liking that.
i want you to know, no way have i forgotten abbout my vision. i hope you havent forgotten eaither. this time appart has only made me think about it more.

i love you,
william beaumont

nooooooaaawwww!!! (thats the way you say no)

last night was so much fun. it showed me how, oddly enough, compatiable we are to some degree. i saw a side of you i have never seen before. sneaking me in was so fun. although it obviously didnt matter when your dad saw me on the couch, it was still funny how i had to "sneak" in and be all quiet. i saw a whole different side to you. cuddly to a point. much more than normal. just wanting to be with me. it was sweet. it really was. but here comes the problem. your well aware that my bestfriend and i are no longer friends. this has absolutly killed me. i sat outside your house for 5 minutes crying before i came in yesterday. what i just want to say is that i will not pick you over her. i want to show her that i will be different. i love that girl to no end and id rather just be her friend than go out with you. it sounds harsh but i know that if we dont go out, than we will be friends and i like that. remember, this is only if she actually takes me back to be her friend. i am dieing without being her friend and being able to see her. she makes my days great. i dont know if she will take me back, thats kind of the main question. wether she does or no, i wil live. it is impossible to die from an emotional break down. but i am heartbroken. although everything else you said was a lie, i know she means more to you than i do, that, is not a lie. she means more to me thananyoneofmyfriends. she doesnt know how much she is loved. between you and i.

dont change, i dont ask you to change for me, so dont change at all. your great the way you are.