lied too

i wish i didnt find it when i did. maybe, if i were to have found it now there would have been more juice to it. that you would have never stopped your unloyalty. i wish i didnt find it because now, even if you still have those thoughts you dont write them down. atleast not on that same blog that you made. i didnt want you to stop writing on that blog. i wanted you to continue writing like you were. what a dumb thought. of course youwouldnt write down those secrets... because you knew id check it and read them. i feel bad now because i guess. some how i feel lied too.

do you think

now, i know that i really have no buisness thinking this, but i have been. not that i really care all too much because we really dont talk that much anymore except for a few occurances.
so today, as almost every day, i take my rounds checking all 4 blogs. nothing..... 1 post..... nothing..... nothing. you havent written anything with actual feelings in a while. you always told me you always checked my blog. so i sopose my question is this....do you still think about me? ya kno, out side of any conversations that have to do with me. maybe when your at home or at school or anywhere but do you think about me anymore?

tough luck

bullshit. i dont want you to think about me. those memories? forget them. me? dont look at me. dont think about me. do all these things if you actually plan on ending this.... THIS. i dont care what you choose. the heart has been split, inside i hope you know im dieing.

not to quote from the song...
i swear that you dont have to go
i thought we could wait till the summer
and i thought we could wait till everything was right.
to mend us back together and kill the doubt.
i thought i could live in your arms
and spend every moment i had with you
stay up all night with the stars
confesss all the faith i had in you
its too late, im sure. and lonely
cause its another night, another dream wasted on you
so just be here now next to me.
you know the words, so sing along for me baby
(me) for heaven sakes i know im sorryyy
with my heart beside me, in shattered pieces that
may never be replaced (without you).

so, as you can tell. i miss you, but i hope your happy. but please if your really planning on doing this, DONT think about me. or look at me, and ill walk on the inside of the K quad so you can walk on the outside. its only better for you.

i guess i got a case of tough luck,
William Beaumont

this is to you.

this hurts. this is releiving. this is emptyness. this is hard. i just want you to know. that i love you with all my heart. your my love. my true, 100% love. no one can take that away. this is really hard for me also. im not sure really what to write right now. but my feelings are completly straight forward..... I Love You. plain and simple. we will work things out eventually. and when that time comes, you and i will be together, but until then. lets work on it to the best of our ability.

down different tunnels

back to square one. unsure, unhappy, unun depressed, looking towards the future, but not sure where to look. it seems there are three places to look right now. one of them seems gray, a little bit dark but only a little bit shiny. it seems that there is light at the end of it, but im not sure how far that actually is. it looks like i know this tunnel all too well. like i know every turn that will happen, every ditch that i will hit. i can see it all now, so familiar. down another seems shiny as all could be. but the ground! the ground has cracks and might faulter but if it doesnt faulter, the only thing that awaits is sun. a shiny sun, but this sun seems so different to me. i know what its like to be in the presence of the sun, just not THIS sun. down another is shiny, but it has this dull feeling to it. like something... something huge is missing. and of course, down another, seems dull black and dusty, but still, something is missing.

i just dont know what to do. one side seems so confusing and that so much work is needed to make it work, while the other side seems so easy. like there wont be any bumps. but i love the hard side. i love when there is the cracks in the sky with sun. i love it. i live FOR it. i live, to make it shine. and i live to let it free.

n****e

i know exactly how you feel unannounced to you.
i wont do anything about it. there is nothing i can do that wont hurt you, besides one thing. as each day goes by, i get closer and closer to cutting the threads that hold us together. a clean cut is the best cut, and so far, its been anything but clean. have i made mistakes lately? yes, and i think you have too. i want you to be happy, and i want you to move on. there are better.... much better guys for you than i. im just the guy that every girl wanted at the begining of school. there is more to life than dating the boy on the football team. im not that great. look how many times ive hurt you. is that what you want? i dont think so. and stop telling him to trust you. you lied to him. and you want him to trust your lies? dont do that. that doesnt lead to a good trust situation. believe me, i would know. i think you have to let him know the truth, and that your sorry, and it will not happen again. if i ever want you to follow my advice, its the advice in this post.
your a great girl, dont go to waste on a boy who wont do the same for you. be happy, for once. please. for your friends sake, for my sake.
please

my night

so robotic. the way we got off the phone.
goodnight.
goodnight.
ilove you.
i love you too.
k ill see you tomorrow.
yup.
k bye.
bye.
click.

its something i never wished would have happened with you and i.
our days are perfect, hardly a blemish on them, and then night time comes. not only comes darkness and cold, but also, feelings left over from work, your mom gets home, your tired and stressed because of school. i upset you because your fuse has shortened over that previous couple hours. why is it so hard for us to work. i almost hope that there will be all these problems and we make all these littlechanges to make it fit and up until this point, nothing seems to fit no matter what we do. but when we do make it fit, it will be a perfect fit. an absolute, absolute fit. nothing can be better than that fit. i think of it like a key, only one specific key will fit the slot. we have tomold ourselfs to fill that void.
i dont know what to do.

"i guesss what my question shoudl have been, is WHATS WRONG WITH ME? i want to change. for her more than anything else. i want to make her happy, i want to be the guy she loves, i want to be with her. i always have to a point but now more than ever. i just dont know what to change."
"when a really good guy comes around, the last thing a girl should do is let him go."


i feel like im changing for you, in anyway you wish, but i think its unfair because as much change as i give you, you wont acknowledge it. and its not fair that im putting forth most of the effort in this. i feel like im not getting treated and thought of, as well as im treating you. "does she deserve it?" one person asked me. if you continue to treat me this way, then no, you dont. but i love you, and because of that, you deserve my very best.

" flings are lame when you date someone y ou shoul dnever date unless you truly see long term with someone and if you really do i would try hrad to fix thigns and if it doesnt work you gave it your all"
my response " i truely did. i really am putting everything i have into this"

i just wish you saw, how much i try. how much i want this. how in love with you i am. and i wish you felt the same, because for a long time, i havent.

im going to try something new. 2 new things actually. dont ask me what they are, you will see one of them for sure but the other you wont see. everything will happen for a reason, the best will happen. if you and i werent meant to be, contrary to my beliefs, then we wont work out. no matter how much effort is put into it, some plants just dont bloom. its a shame beause so much effort was thrust forward to helping it bloom, but it still does not.
as much as i love you, and as much as i miss you, it will not be i that regrets not trying, it will be you. when, and if, this is all done and over, i will know i put 100% effort into this. i cant say that you will feel the same.
on a better note, i love you and i will continue trying, trying for us, until there is no more us to try for.

i love you,
sweet dreams,
WJB

here is something, i wrote to a friend of mine.
" but i LOVE her, (friend). i love her. i love her i love her i love her i love her. its something i cant deny if i wanted too. but i dont think she can say the same. but reguardless, like i said, she deserves it because i love her."

tonight, talking to those people, really hasshown me something. that i do love you. that i am putting 100% of my hear and effort into this to try to make it work. if it doesnt work, it doesnt work. i cant force anything to work. it again, just shows me that i love you.

i love you.

who i am

in the end everyone ends up alone. losing her, the only one whose ever known
who i am, and who im not, and who i want to be.
no way to know, how long she will be next to me

just a little late

why'd you have to way?
where were you? where were you?
just a little late.
you found me, you found me

new proposal

i think, only time is holding us. im excited. purely excited. not scared. not frightened. not intimidated. im purely unsure of the future with you, with me. obviously, you know what made me write this. and i thought, ya know, id have months, we would have months and months to work. apparently not. we only have about 5 or 6 short weeks. will we work? if we do, will it ACTUALLY work? if we dont, will i go where i think ill go, will my summer consist of you? where will you go, who will you be with?

im so excited for these next 5 or 6 weeks to pass us by just so all these answers can be answered.
you have turned my life upside down. you have changed it in ways many of which unexpected and unconsidered and unrationalized. who i am is no where near who i would be without you ever entering my life. where i am is much farther off than where i could be, whether that be forward or backward i dont know. i do know, that i wouldnt change anything for the world. well, only 2 mistakes i made with 2 girls in the last 8 months. those two mistakes butchered this relationship to the point of ALMOST no return. but we are doing it, day by day. we gain 3 steps, lose 2. its a progressive program that is apparently taking baby steps. but that is alright with me. you always bring up negative things. so leave, just go. take your adventure out without me. be without me for the first time in 8 months. i might not be there when you realize that our... OUR time was not up yet. if fun is what you are after, and fun is not what your getting then just do this... "if you continue doing what you have always done, your just going to get what you have always gotten." CHANGE. change something, anything perminately. that what i did with you. we werent working, so i asked what i could change and i changed it. i think, again, i think, i am not sure about this, but its worth putting down in text. i think that every day im getting more okay with it if you leave. i never suspect myself to leave, until there is nothing left to try for, so in this case, you would be the one leaving. why i find it okay if you leave is untold to me. i love you, but i wont hold you back from happiness. i love you more than you know, more than she can tell you i dont, more than he, or he, or he, or she can tell you i dont, but i do. youd be supprised. but love doesnt always bring happiness, not at all. we have learned eachother in and out, and we have felt a wonderful feeling of love between eachother. this has been such a dramatic change in our life, but as each day goes by, its a love, i think we both wouldnt mind if it was in our memories. of course there would be tears and anger and punching (from my side) and cuddling up on your bed with my jacket listening to one of OUR many songs. we have broken eachother down, and built eachother up to be stronger than the day previous. you are a strong girl. you have amazed me sometimes, most of the times. you have talents, that can not be taught, they are.. they are. you dont know how much you impress me every day. i must say,as much as i like it. your size does not compliment your mind power. if it was such, you would be bigger than i, much much bigger. i look at you, and see my year. my junior year. i look at your body while your walking up to me. i see your toes and remember that day that i cracked your toes. i see your hair and remember all the unique smells it has had over that last year. i look at your hands and remember all the times i have kissed them, held them, or when they have embraced me. i see your legs and remember all of our wrestling times, or when id give you piggy back rides. i see your eyes and remember looking into them for scores of minutes at a time. i see your smile, see the whiteness, the care put into it, and i remember when that was not such a perfect smile, but a wirey, metalic smile, that i still thought was beautiful. i look your forehead and remember how we are similar in that unique way =], i see your cheeks and see the kiss marks left from the hundreds of times ive kissed them. i see your ears, remembering the nights that i have told them stories in secret, whispering them the truths of my heart. i see you, all of you, and remember holding you on my bed, in the car, in your bed, i remember you laying on top of me while i sleep and tryng to match your body up with mine. i remember all the dreams i have had about you, i remember jumping into the pool with you, i remember being on my roof with you tanning, i remember watching you drive for the first time, watching you fall in love for the first time. i have to say, yoiu have saved my life, from the trechories
we have been so many of eachothers firsts that its hard to say goodbye, because with saying goodbye, we think that we have to throw all those memories away. certainly, if and when we find someone else for ourselves, those memories will surely fade and only the strongest will prevail, and it will be those stories that you tell your children, your husband, your mother and father when you look back on highshcool, it will be those that you think about when you think about highschool. we do not need to let go of those, but we need to be happy and that is priority number one. ive been told twice that letting you go would be best for you and would make you happiest. neither of those people REALLY know how you and i are. they see it a little closer than others, but not much. no one actually really knows how we are. do i think they are right because they "have gone through this before"? no, but do i think they might have an idea? of course. its something ive been thinking about and its something i really want. and that is for you to be happy. tell me what i need to do to make you happy. if its give you space, space is what you will be given. just let me know. dont let your answer be altered by others imputs, espically ones that dont know really who we are... let this be something you think about, and an answer that you trust 100%. just let me know. im not sure when you will read this, but you will soon enough. i will not... iw ill try not to tell you about this, or ask you to think about it, but id like you to understand the quickness that should be given to this. it is something that will greatly effect OUR lives and is something i think we would both want it done promptly.

good luck. godspeed.
i love you will all of my heart,
WJB

thoughts

im just going to put down some thoughts about this whole thing
cause today, your words felt like a knife. and i am not living this life.
you completly lied to me. this whole friendship you hated how i lied. so i stopped... now your picking it up? hypocrite. i probally spelled that wrong.
your unloyal. completly.
dishonest.
and i thought i was a bad boyfriend.
well, there is a reason we broke up i guess.

new beginings

i no longer can so eaisly put trust in your hands. it was something i used to do without ease, without second thought. but not anymore. i dont know why its become so hard. well, id oknow actually, but i dont need to say it on here. its hard for me to trust you now. your so reluctant on not telling them. why? so, i did, i told them both. i wouldnt say it was in the nicest tone possible, but, i told them there was no hard feelings for the most part.

i wish we could take today back. honestly, i really do. but not much i can do now. even though we had an absolute wonderful time when we were together, it still sucks tht this is what we are left with. today was a mix between good things and bad things. i hope we ccan work out, i hope i hope i hope. i told my mom that today, getting in trouble was much worth it. that the little bit we fixed us was worth the punishment.

this is not something i will give up on. i thought it would be, but i was proven wrong.
im not sure what is in store for us, but i do know, as long as you match my effort, we will be just fine.

i love you chloe,
goodnight. i hope you had fun tonight.

the first time in a week that i will talk to you

i have to say i am sorry.
you will read this after tomorrow is over. after all the drama and possible fighting has ceased. i am sorry for putting you in that situation, but it is something that i dont agree with what so ever.
again, i am sorry for what happened... what will happen tomorrow because its not fair to you.... at all.
i love you.
william

the hardest days yet

three of the hardest days so far. this is honestly, such a drainer for both of us.

honestly, i think both of us just want to call it quits to take the easy way out. its odd, i broadly think back over these 8 months and in my mind, its as if we have been together this whole time. we havent. we have been best friends up until about 2 months ago. well a month and a half. we just honestly tried being in a relationship 47 days ago. we are brand new to this. to this side of eachother. it might not seem like it because we know everything else about the person, so much so that it annoys us, but we honestly are a new couple. we have been faced with something, so life ending, so.... destructive. we can hardly see eachother, we can hardly talk. its hardly like we are together, besides for the 70 minutes, minus a little, we are given each day to be with eachother. its not enough for us, clearly. i try everyday to think of ways so that we can see eachother just a little bit more. i expressed to you today that all we need, is a long day ahead of us, that we can hangout with eachother, do lots of things, take walks and talk and work things out. replenish what has been broken so violently the last 3 days. but we cant do that right now, atleast i dont believe so.



so what do we do? do we stay together, and battle through all the frustration and anger and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but risk getting lost in the darkness and losing eachother forever?



do we seperate for the time being? lose eacher in the darkness and find our own lights to run to in hope that when we get there, we can meet back up? that also runs the risk, that our tunnels that we follow might lead in completly different directiions.=[



or, do we break it off now. do we realize, as some people say ,that this is only hurting you (and myself) and that we should stop being selfish/rude and end things now so that we can get over eachother? we, of course would lose eachother, and if we did that, i dont think eaither of us would come back to a relationship again.



its this one question, that haunts everyone "what do we do?"

i know im not the best for you, but promise that youll stay.

jenn-"so your telling me, that if chloe broke up with you right now, you would be totally fine?" me-"yup i mean it would upset me, but id be fine."

my response i just sent to jenn- "actually, i take it back. if she were to break up with me, i would be a wreck, probally more than usual because i know there is a chance for us to work like we always fantasized."

"i thought you wanted to break up with her?"

me "i just dont want to continue fighting. i love her and to see her go, or even honestly contemplate not having her be the one i hold... it hurts. it really hurts me."

what are we to do when all we have is a bunch of confusion? lets make the best of what we have and see what we can pull together.

i love you. much more than i did yesterday, and the day before that.

relief

well, i called. heat blasting blood to my arms and legs. i dont hear your voice. i hear his. he tells me i shouldnt be talking to you for the next couple of days. and he also said "you (me) will be included in our side of this too." im not sure what thatmeans. but i must say, this somehow, brings relief to me. i know he will let me talk to you again, and life, will hopefully, but most doubtadly (spelled wrong) resume as usual. if you happen to read these tonight (saturday), give me a call. im going to the movies, but plans have changed. id love to talk to you, even just for 5 minutes. im keeping my phone charged all day, just if youhappen to call.

so many questions

constantly scanning all the known resources of which i can receive information on how you are doing, on what happened, on what will happen. nothing comming up. should i come over? would that just be a bad idea? so many questions going through my mind. im not sure what to do. what are you thinking? do you still want to be my girlfriend? if you ever honestly did? can we be together? what do your parents think? will we be able to talk? how long till you get your phone back? when can i see you? when can i talk to you? and again, will i ever be able to do those things? i dont know what to do. do you want to see me? talk to me? be with me? have me come over? questions, you can not answer. i think i might just come over. ill risk it. what ever that is that im risking.