new proposal

i think, only time is holding us. im excited. purely excited. not scared. not frightened. not intimidated. im purely unsure of the future with you, with me. obviously, you know what made me write this. and i thought, ya know, id have months, we would have months and months to work. apparently not. we only have about 5 or 6 short weeks. will we work? if we do, will it ACTUALLY work? if we dont, will i go where i think ill go, will my summer consist of you? where will you go, who will you be with?

im so excited for these next 5 or 6 weeks to pass us by just so all these answers can be answered.
you have turned my life upside down. you have changed it in ways many of which unexpected and unconsidered and unrationalized. who i am is no where near who i would be without you ever entering my life. where i am is much farther off than where i could be, whether that be forward or backward i dont know. i do know, that i wouldnt change anything for the world. well, only 2 mistakes i made with 2 girls in the last 8 months. those two mistakes butchered this relationship to the point of ALMOST no return. but we are doing it, day by day. we gain 3 steps, lose 2. its a progressive program that is apparently taking baby steps. but that is alright with me. you always bring up negative things. so leave, just go. take your adventure out without me. be without me for the first time in 8 months. i might not be there when you realize that our... OUR time was not up yet. if fun is what you are after, and fun is not what your getting then just do this... "if you continue doing what you have always done, your just going to get what you have always gotten." CHANGE. change something, anything perminately. that what i did with you. we werent working, so i asked what i could change and i changed it. i think, again, i think, i am not sure about this, but its worth putting down in text. i think that every day im getting more okay with it if you leave. i never suspect myself to leave, until there is nothing left to try for, so in this case, you would be the one leaving. why i find it okay if you leave is untold to me. i love you, but i wont hold you back from happiness. i love you more than you know, more than she can tell you i dont, more than he, or he, or he, or she can tell you i dont, but i do. youd be supprised. but love doesnt always bring happiness, not at all. we have learned eachother in and out, and we have felt a wonderful feeling of love between eachother. this has been such a dramatic change in our life, but as each day goes by, its a love, i think we both wouldnt mind if it was in our memories. of course there would be tears and anger and punching (from my side) and cuddling up on your bed with my jacket listening to one of OUR many songs. we have broken eachother down, and built eachother up to be stronger than the day previous. you are a strong girl. you have amazed me sometimes, most of the times. you have talents, that can not be taught, they are.. they are. you dont know how much you impress me every day. i must say,as much as i like it. your size does not compliment your mind power. if it was such, you would be bigger than i, much much bigger. i look at you, and see my year. my junior year. i look at your body while your walking up to me. i see your toes and remember that day that i cracked your toes. i see your hair and remember all the unique smells it has had over that last year. i look at your hands and remember all the times i have kissed them, held them, or when they have embraced me. i see your legs and remember all of our wrestling times, or when id give you piggy back rides. i see your eyes and remember looking into them for scores of minutes at a time. i see your smile, see the whiteness, the care put into it, and i remember when that was not such a perfect smile, but a wirey, metalic smile, that i still thought was beautiful. i look your forehead and remember how we are similar in that unique way =], i see your cheeks and see the kiss marks left from the hundreds of times ive kissed them. i see your ears, remembering the nights that i have told them stories in secret, whispering them the truths of my heart. i see you, all of you, and remember holding you on my bed, in the car, in your bed, i remember you laying on top of me while i sleep and tryng to match your body up with mine. i remember all the dreams i have had about you, i remember jumping into the pool with you, i remember being on my roof with you tanning, i remember watching you drive for the first time, watching you fall in love for the first time. i have to say, yoiu have saved my life, from the trechories
we have been so many of eachothers firsts that its hard to say goodbye, because with saying goodbye, we think that we have to throw all those memories away. certainly, if and when we find someone else for ourselves, those memories will surely fade and only the strongest will prevail, and it will be those stories that you tell your children, your husband, your mother and father when you look back on highshcool, it will be those that you think about when you think about highschool. we do not need to let go of those, but we need to be happy and that is priority number one. ive been told twice that letting you go would be best for you and would make you happiest. neither of those people REALLY know how you and i are. they see it a little closer than others, but not much. no one actually really knows how we are. do i think they are right because they "have gone through this before"? no, but do i think they might have an idea? of course. its something ive been thinking about and its something i really want. and that is for you to be happy. tell me what i need to do to make you happy. if its give you space, space is what you will be given. just let me know. dont let your answer be altered by others imputs, espically ones that dont know really who we are... let this be something you think about, and an answer that you trust 100%. just let me know. im not sure when you will read this, but you will soon enough. i will not... iw ill try not to tell you about this, or ask you to think about it, but id like you to understand the quickness that should be given to this. it is something that will greatly effect OUR lives and is something i think we would both want it done promptly.

good luck. godspeed.
i love you will all of my heart,
WJB