you wanted me to write

how i felt when you drove up-
bumb bum, bumb bum, bumb bum, bumb bum. fast and faster it beat. pumping blood through my body for the fight or flight reponse. i wanted to run. i didnt want to face you. i wasnt sure what to expect. i wasnt able to move correctly and my skin got sweaty. i didnt know if you were going to slap me, or hug me, or burst into tears, or put up a wall. i just wasnt sure

when you came in-
i cried. i started tearing up. i didnt want to talk to you, yet i wanted to squeeze you until my arms gave out. i wanted to be with you, yet i didnt want to be close to you.

when i saw you-
you were at the top of my stairs. i wanted to fall to my knees. i wanted to cry, burst into tears, let my feelings run unending. i was ancious to see you, to be with you, to hear your voice. i brought the laptop up stairs to ease the mood by the way.

when we started talking-
i felt so happy. it seemed that things were back to normal. alhtough i know they wernt. i was happy to have you in my room, on my bed, in my presence because i know you can not leave that willingly. i wanted to hold you and hug you and just do everything we would have done in the last 2 days in 1 minute. i wanted to tell you i love you.


my thoughts-
i still stand by this. i dont need you but i desperately want you. you asked about change... well you wont see change at first. there was not much to change on an everyday basis. the truth was given to you 95% of the time. you will see that go to 100%. that is the only difference unless you ask for another thing. i think what has happened is good. maybe it will set us on that "friend" level. so we can build from there up. that does mean that anything that happens with you and guys shall not be taken with jealously or resentment or the threat of disfriendship, and the same goes for me and girls. we are friends and best friends. thats what we are right now. not people who like eachother or anthing of the sort. we are absolute best friends. and i am liking that.
i want you to know, no way have i forgotten abbout my vision. i hope you havent forgotten eaither. this time appart has only made me think about it more.

i love you,
william beaumont