guts

i just have a gut feeling about this one. a really strong gut feeling too

one mountain i can not master

its a wasted effort. a hurtfull one. a poisonous one. a destructive one. trying to change something about me that is implemented that deep is impossible. i can not change that. thats like asking you to not be annoyed of so much stuff. my mom always said that im going to a hard husband to have, just because i dont show my emotion. you have to read me. my little signs, my change in tone, in voice volume, my movements. its part of who i am. i am truely sorry i cant be different. i just dont know how to show my anger directly when i feel it. thats one potential flaw i have. i hope you understand when you read this that as much as id like to be perfect for you, there are things like this that i just can not over come.

in on a boat mother fucker

where we are headed. i dont know. i feel like your just breezing through this while im here pushing through the buckeling waves. im going to stick with that analogy about the boats. i like it alot. are we in the big boat or our own little thingys? i hate this chloe. i just wish it was yes or no. black or white. but with you and i, its not. i guess im just glad we are talking because thats really all i can ask for. so with that said, im going to try and be positive with that in mind, that i dont deserve anything more than us talking and i hope that what ever you do, you become happier because of it.
i hope today opened your eyes. i knwo it did to me.
it opened my eyes possibly wider than they have ever been opened before.

before you get here

im writing this before you get here.... im mad at you and i dont want to get back together.b ut im sure that will all change once i see your face

goodnight bubba

oh how will tonight turn out. itss 8 26 right now and its hitting me all too hard. the feelings ive pushed asside the last couple days are just comming up and bursting through the surface. i cant tell you how proud of you i am. oddly enough, im proud that your ignoring me. i hate it just as much too. i just know that the only way for us to get over eachother is to not talk. but i guess its just come to me that i dont want that. i miss you. i need you too it seems tonight more than ever. kevin came by today. we didnt have the best conversation to say the least. my mom said shes scared about kevin and she needs my help. i am missing you and we arent talking so i dont have the support you unknowingly give me. i just wish youd talk to me, but if your intention is honestly to ignore me, than continue with just that. more power to ya. well i hope your having a great time in palm springs! i hope your getting tan and dark! i hope to talk to you soon.
goodnight bubba.

enjoyment

well last night sucked. for me atleast. i hope you managed to find some enjoyment from it. but im glad you said what you said. im glad you want me out of your life. not because thats what i want, but it was a decision finally. i told you alot last night that i love you. that i love you and love you and love you. i still do. i said that i didnt like the way you treated me and you said it was my fault. that may very well be my fault. but things like that have happened with other people and they dont react that way. im sorry. that i mess up, or that i dont get punished like you do. i know how much you hate it. but i cant help that. im also sorry that your father and mother get angry over things that... really have nothing to do with you. i wish we were different and more suitable for eachother. i wish that we knew how to be exactly what eachother wanted. i wish.... i wish we could go back 10 months ago.. back to when my life was perfect.but we cant. but if you really want me out of your life, i understand believe me, i do. but i just need you to tell me. dont make me guess please. but what you did last night was just mean. i hate when you cus at me (you know this) and you say "fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you get the fuck out of my life." thats just mean. and uncalled for. i want to be happy with you. thats the key thing. happy. im affraid our plans of being together after highschool wont work. and for other reasons than us not being together. if that makes sense. but i love you. again, i hope you found some enjoyment out of last night. sweet dreams

can you?

can you guess it now?

august 11th.

this will be my last blog. ill start another somewhere else. you have guessed the name before and if you care at all about it, youll try to guess this one too. its sad, this is like my 250th blog somthin like that. alll spauned from you. thank you chloe. youve absolutly changed my life. 100% flipped it around.

and yes, as i did lie about those 2 things. was dani wrong... yeah. was i upset when i talked about you to that erica girl... yeah... were they mean, a tad yes. but dont ever tell me i lied to you for you to come back to me. i would never lie about how i feel. its those things that i keep true to. i would change up and down the street for you. id try to anyhow. and id put all my effort into it too. so i didnt lie to you, you can be sure of that. and that conversation... i did end. she wrote me about 5 minutes later.
reguardless, its over now. the last move has been made. so, i love you. its one thing you seem to refuse to say. and no. i dont think your being fake. but now it will give us time to fix the problems within ourselves. goodnight. i hope your able to get straight A's this year by the way.

its time.

its time.
for me to move on.
for me to be happy with myself
for me to be happy with my family most of all.
for me to find who i am.
for me to mold myself into who i want to be. because as we are all told, things dont just happen. they take time to take effect.
for me to be the teenager. the teenager no one lets me be.
now its time for me to go. to go cry one last final tear. in the place where we spent hours talking to eachother, where we have had our expierences, our most embarassing moments with eachother, where we were comfortable. where the lights can be out, but you feel as if you can see and feel the whole room. where the soft buzz of the fan keeps things from being absolute silent.
its time.

regret

back to where we were. walking the same paths as before. breathing the same air. looking at eachother almost the same. your on the right, im on the left. we know the surroundings like the back of our hand. we know what the cracks in the road feel like. sure this time they might be in dfferent positions, but we know how they feel. the only thing different is what i do when im not with you on that road. im honest, and loyal this time. why? because i know what it feels like to be broken by the girl you love. is change still wanted? of course, no one is going to have a flawless relationship. i wish the same rules applied to both of us, and not one over the other. i wish the same for consequences. its like, if you do something, its okay and i dont say anything, but when i do exactly what you did, its a disaster and i get yelled at. its just not fair sometimes. but thats what i have to live with i guess. and ya know what, im not saying this as a mean thing, but you are bossy and you are controlling. maybe i secretly like it. who knows. sometimes i wished you would tune it down a bit. i feel like.... like... i cant find the words to explain it. like your still mad at me. who knows. and yes, im going to forget i talked to a mom for a few minutes. or i m going to forget that she texted me. WHO CAREs. its not a big deal. if anything went wrong, i would have told you because thats who i am now. i dont care about those little things. and if you care, that little whore didnt text me today. i didnt give you my phone with my email up on purpose, it just happened. i didnt even realize it. it wouldnt have mattered if you went through my texts because there isnt anything to hide. i know you dont trust me, but dont expect me to act different because of it. sometimes i get sick of how mad you get, but i guess its those things that make me love you. i was thinking today if i thought we were going to last. by god i hope so. i SOOO hope so. i dont want to have gone through all that for nothing. i cant tell you how much i appreciate talking to your father. not that it gave me ways to put pitty on myself, but it just made me see things ALOT clearer. just that, life will go on and everything happens for a reason.

there is one feeling i dont want anyone to feel about me... and that is regret. i have always hated when people used that word and my name in the same sentence. i hate it. i never want you to feel that way. please dont.
i love you, goodnight

morgan kalajian

im just getting mad thinking about this. you are actually going to let him think i tried getting with you!? you of ALL people should know i dont want to do that. you said it yourself, im like your brother and i began to feel that way too. im not intrested in you, i dont have an attraction to you, i dont want you, i dont need you. but to have you CONTINUE to let him think that is just APALLING! i dont know what happened with you, but to tell him that... just wrong. on so many levels.

karma is a bitch

well, im gonna stop by today to ask you one question. i think i know the ansswer, its just that i need to know the definite answer.

demons

well well. i blew up last night. i dont hate you. i have a completly different outlook now than before... kind of. when catlin leaves, let me know please. and yes, we are going to be talking for a little bit. but im sure you can put up with me for that long.

4.38

im just not healthy right now! im going insane. im scared for myself. im terrified. im shaking. im screaming at 4 37 in the morning. im waking everyone up most likely. im ripping in half. im punching everything insight. i just wish you were here in my sights

i cant describe it correctly.

i will do everything i can to hurt you. you filthy little bitch. i never thought you would take it that far. god. just leave me alone. NEVER talk to me again if your going to say those things to me again. you have broke me in half. ive never kknown this kind of pain existed. i cant express to you what kind of beastial wraith ive expierenced in the last hour. i hate you chloe. i just hate you.

i. hate. you

i wish you could see me. its like a movie. of some crazy guy exploding. making weird noises. dieing, from the inside out. i have never been killed before. you murderer. it was never worth the risk. i hope you know what you have done. i hate you.

i. hate. you.

time to press the erase button

crushed. theres no more plan. that those 3 lines. ruined everything.

am i that terrible to see? i dont care. i just dont care if you trust me again. id love you too but i cant ask that much of you. i do just ask that you dont have a cold shoulder to me. im not trying to kiss you, im just trying to see you. i do anything i can to see you. purposly leave your bracelet at home. find the most random things so i can drive over there. driving on zero DTE the whole entire way, risking running out of gas. i guess i just have some plans of my own that i think youll be supprised with. i dont know if im being too positive about all this or not. i hope not. but we will see. you have suprised me so far, i wont be supprised if you suprise me with this too. 2 days down. not many to go.

sometimes

sometimes

akjsadsas;lkmanseria

heartbroken as ever. but trying to stay as positive (fake) as can be.

heartb roken

heartbroken. im learning that the cracks in your broken heart, are only meant to be filled in happy moments. this blog didnt turn out as i wanted it too. i cant find the words for it. bleh

maybe... even after that...

cross my heart, hope to die, i swear i wont say what happened that night. so starting today things are going to be alright. your best you trie,d yeah you did fine, no better than fine, perfect in my mind, infact i wish your heart was mineeeee. and i can hear the memories in my ears back to the years and all of those tears, so hear me when i say im glad we steared that way because now we are here.

lets see. i thought id be sad. i was sad. i still am heart broken. but, man i didnt expect this. imtaking this as a learning expierence. MAN O MAN! its like my character has changed 180 degrees. atleast for the last 6 hours or so. i hope this lasts. i hope this proves to be a great thing for me.

im liking this. just hanging out. thats all i want is just to hangout and im happy i have people that want to do just that with me. well. jacoozie is burnin!

i still dont know if you care or not. but if you do. you will know what is the truth and what is a lie. you know me better than anyone, you can determine that. love ya!
"maybe... even after that..."

just leave me be. why you just leave me be.

of all the times. ive learned. next time, next chance i get, i wont let it go. too bad those chances rarely come around.

the only always is fear and yourself

what goes around comes around.
i guess i got the short end of the stick for this one.
i hope im making everything go smoothly. for everyone.
i dont even know what happened to tell everyone the truth. i just dont know. and i dont expect to get a response.
we used to always be told that our past can always come up to the future and bite us in the butt. perfect example. after the realization and determination sets in to be perfect, this happens. the past comes up. and what do i do? what im most comfortable with. i lie. up and down i lie. i guess my one flaw was that one lie. you wont go to sleep tonight because youll be thinking of all the other times ive lied. ill be sleeping tonight without that on my mind because i know that was my one lie. i am finding that when i change... change myself to be better for someone or for myself, it is always too late. too late by a few days, a few hours. a few minutes.

i took a walk today after i got home. went as long as i could. as far as i could see i put my destination point. obviously, my thoughts raced. it was like an angel on one side and the devil on the other. "well now we can move on to the next girl" "no, your going to stay single. figure yourself out first. figure out who you are." "well then lets go to hookup central!" "nope, stay clean. you know who you love. after all, you put it in that tree."
well since i dont think im getting you back, ill just sit put and grow and expand myself.
i miss you terribly. not because im not with you, but because i know, whether your showing it or not, your heart broken. and that is what kills me. i dont even think youll read this. it depends. here is how ill see it (dont get arrogant here): if you read this by tomorrow, you still want me back some where in your heart. and if you dont, well then you dont want me back. i dont know what to expect from now on. all i know is im going to be a tad bit weird for a little bit.

i refuse to listen to the ridin solo song. i dont want to be like that. i was done with hooking up a long time ago.


so this part is to chloe. YOU THINK I FUCKED LAINE!? ARE YOU JOKING!? so thats what this is about? this whole time ive been so confused. wow. wow wow wow. dont know where you got that.

back to the post.
well here it goes. cheers to the future. im scared as hell. i lost my girlfriend. my love. i am going to lose one of my best friends but it is no supprise because i can see the friendship slowly going away. im moving to an unknown house. i wont have my room anymore. i lost a dad like figure in my life. im growing up when all i want is to go back a 10 months. thats all i want. im expected to put in more effort into football because i have "alot of potential at any position." and i really dont want to. i feel like im not the man in my moms life anymore. it used to be that she would come home and make dinner for me and talk to me and just be my mom and then she would go upstairs and read or smoke. i know it must have been lonely for her, but she doesnt know how much i appreciate it. and now, its like shes got multiable guys going on dates with her. getting close to her.
im finding that the only always, is fear, and yourself.
im scared. and the only person i can think about is you.