the only always is fear and yourself

what goes around comes around.
i guess i got the short end of the stick for this one.
i hope im making everything go smoothly. for everyone.
i dont even know what happened to tell everyone the truth. i just dont know. and i dont expect to get a response.
we used to always be told that our past can always come up to the future and bite us in the butt. perfect example. after the realization and determination sets in to be perfect, this happens. the past comes up. and what do i do? what im most comfortable with. i lie. up and down i lie. i guess my one flaw was that one lie. you wont go to sleep tonight because youll be thinking of all the other times ive lied. ill be sleeping tonight without that on my mind because i know that was my one lie. i am finding that when i change... change myself to be better for someone or for myself, it is always too late. too late by a few days, a few hours. a few minutes.

i took a walk today after i got home. went as long as i could. as far as i could see i put my destination point. obviously, my thoughts raced. it was like an angel on one side and the devil on the other. "well now we can move on to the next girl" "no, your going to stay single. figure yourself out first. figure out who you are." "well then lets go to hookup central!" "nope, stay clean. you know who you love. after all, you put it in that tree."
well since i dont think im getting you back, ill just sit put and grow and expand myself.
i miss you terribly. not because im not with you, but because i know, whether your showing it or not, your heart broken. and that is what kills me. i dont even think youll read this. it depends. here is how ill see it (dont get arrogant here): if you read this by tomorrow, you still want me back some where in your heart. and if you dont, well then you dont want me back. i dont know what to expect from now on. all i know is im going to be a tad bit weird for a little bit.

i refuse to listen to the ridin solo song. i dont want to be like that. i was done with hooking up a long time ago.


so this part is to chloe. YOU THINK I FUCKED LAINE!? ARE YOU JOKING!? so thats what this is about? this whole time ive been so confused. wow. wow wow wow. dont know where you got that.

back to the post.
well here it goes. cheers to the future. im scared as hell. i lost my girlfriend. my love. i am going to lose one of my best friends but it is no supprise because i can see the friendship slowly going away. im moving to an unknown house. i wont have my room anymore. i lost a dad like figure in my life. im growing up when all i want is to go back a 10 months. thats all i want. im expected to put in more effort into football because i have "alot of potential at any position." and i really dont want to. i feel like im not the man in my moms life anymore. it used to be that she would come home and make dinner for me and talk to me and just be my mom and then she would go upstairs and read or smoke. i know it must have been lonely for her, but she doesnt know how much i appreciate it. and now, its like shes got multiable guys going on dates with her. getting close to her.
im finding that the only always, is fear, and yourself.
im scared. and the only person i can think about is you.