doubt

so, ive told her that if she wants to try then she should start trying. she hasnt tried at all until, well when she calls. lets see if she will call, i doubt it, but she always tells me how she proves people wrong. prove me wrong will ya?

kjbfrtabfta

i am every one of those except number 2 and 12

a drive with my thoughts

wow this makes me very unattractive... greattttt
this is how i invision myself....
a drive with my thoughts
Being in love...
can hurt? can it really hurt? can it penetrate the greatest barrier you set forth for your emotions? can it change your outlook on life? can it really make you feel not even worth a shitty little bronze penny? make you feel like you are truly lost without the one you love? can it make you look for miles around for her, look in every crack and every crevice? it drives you crazy because you hate her but you know that everything you do is for that one sole person. it can can tear you from the insides out, having to deal with her, yet it can mend and build you from the bottom up. it can be the most spiritual, upliftment one has ever felt. it can truly demolish you when its lost, it truly can bring a man to his knees begging and pleading even though he knows that his fingers are slipping every minute and he cant hold on much longer.

getting over love...
is a terrifying act that we all must endure if we choose to truly play this game of life. it is a nightmare, it truly is something i wish on no one and no one should wish on another. getting over love is a process that takes time that no one should or can rush. it is something that makes months and months, if not years, of recuperation and mending of the heart. although love is an emotion and it deals with the heart shaped "organ" inside us, when love is lost, it feels as if both hearts, the "organ" and the actual pumping, beating, and living heart are ripped from the inside of you and hammered, beat, slashed and thrown away. it takes the breath out of your lungs when its lost, when the realization that you are now wandering with no map, with no guiding star, and no one by your side to be with you. getting over love for me has been filled with pressure from everywhere.... other girls, myself, family, and friends all expect me to magically forget about her and all the wonders she did, but its not easy and i wish they would know that. i want to punch it into every one of them just so they could know what im going through. none of them have any idea how hard this is for me to see her walking down the sidewalk with another guy when just a year ago it was me by her side smiling and laughing with one another. why doesnt anyone see it? why cant they let me do it in the natural way. why does every person i talk to have her face yet tell me to forget her? JUST STOP! GIVE ME TIME! GIVE ME SPACE! let me cray a little. let me be me! for once let me show my emotion to myself and to my friends!!!! i just want to be me, which is a shy boy that doesnt have many friends, that sticks to his 2, maybe 3 best friends and his family for support, that cries himself to sleep some nights for no god damn reason, that ponders the very reason he was put on this earth. i want to be me again. i dont want waves of females holding me and touching me. why cant i be me anymore? what has changed me so much that people are preventing me from becoming the butterflyi want to become? i have always dreamt about my future of becomming a nice, successful, polite, respectful man with a great family. BUT NOT THIS! this isnt what i want. is it because of my body? i got this body so i could finally look at myself and be happy, but this body has grown to be a costume hiding the true soul that i own. i want the real me to be show, but i cant tear the skin off to show it. what is sad is that no one, not one person knows me. not alix, not my mom. not even my best friends know me! why may you ask? because the real me iwsh all these emotions is unattractive, its wrong, it is hell inside one little boys head. if people knew how much torture i put myself through, they would isolate me from civilization because of the horror that is me. what could possibly make me like this? my shit for a father that has the gall to call himself a father? my mother who is my hero but shows me what not to be like at the same time? could it be the embarrassment i get from my siblings not being all what i know they could be and what they should expect from themselves? i truly dont know. it might be the fact that i dont tell anyone my emotions, nor do i release these demons into the perfect world. its amazing what someone can hold inside. one day my sister actually her way through all my walls talking about how my bad my father was to me and how i dont have a father and how i kid myself every time i call him dad and i freaked out on her. i threw chairs, i hit her, i broke glass, i punched holes, i let the devil out of the cell that i confined him too. although the family is now someone scared to bring my father up again, they will never believe that that is only a fraction of the anger i have inside me, its only a grain of sand in my heart.

anger, to me is the emotion that makes camp in my heart, it is the one that stays..... forever and doesnt leave. it digs deeper and stores itself at the very pit of my herat to rarely to be stirred from its comfort. happiness is the one thing that moves on. it never stays, it only passes by for a few hours and then leaves my soul and my thoughts unless a new form of happiness reappears on the horizon. very few things or people can give me a constant flow of happiness which is essentially how i gage who my friends are. surprisingly, my family is one of the lowest forms of happiness for me. having to listen to my mom complain about her husband, her previous husband (my father), and the husband before him. having to deal with my sister that i love so much, transform into a which and scream and lose control ov herself. having to deal with being the anchor for my family. and my mother.... i cant stand her sometimes!!!!! i love her and she loves me so much but she gets so angry over kevin and then comes down stairs and tries to tell me that i shoudnt be listening to music while writing this very paper. what right does she have to tell me what i need to write aabout and what i dont need to write about? then she starts talking about grades..... FIX YOUR OWN GOD DAMN LIFE BEFORE YOU TRY AND TELL YOUR CHILD HOW TO LIVE HIS! i will be a better person with or without her. i hate saying that because i love her with all my heart and she is my best friend, but i can get through this life without keeping anyone that i know currently. i can do this on my own. i dont need people to go to for emotional reasons because i have never gone to anyone for those reasons before. i am strong and ever growing. there is nothing that can stand in my path besides the very being walking it. this is as far as my thoughts will take me tonight. perhaps they will pick me up and we can go on a father drive another night.
to whom it may concern,
William James Beaumont

black sheep

i feel like a black sheep with you. sometimes. i dont like "dgaf'rs". i like good girls with a naughty side. maybe your the person to change that. idk. i know that tonight showed me that no matter who we are with, i will always be there with you, even if its not my kind of people. you said that if we go out that it will be the end to your hooking up days, well i feel the same way. but i guess thats good because we can just have our fun together. we are both the type of people that dont want to settle down, so lets go have fun with eachother while being together, id love that. i want to have a relationship and have fun with YOU. why dont you like the lip ring?

yes

yes your right

yes

yes your right

no more

no more baby girl... you got it. no more baby girl...

i want

i want to be there for you, always, through everything except one. guys. thats apparent. but i wont help with that. that has to be in your past. i will not help you get over someone that could take my spot. not again. i know its never happened with you but its happened before. i want to be with you, through everything. be by your side so you have some one to hold on to. i want to have you come to me when your scared, when your mad, and angry and frustrated as all girls get. even if its at me. i want you to bury your face in my chest as i hug you. give me your love and ill give you more then you would imagine.

bullshit

bull shit. if your telling me that your mad because i hooked up with a girl tonight... thats just lame. now that i see that you "want" me, i regret it, but i had no possible way of knowing. actually, ill tell you more about it tomorrow, but i had the COMPLETE OPPOSITE feeling about what you were going to say. you can ask chloe. but ill tell you about it tomorrow. and i found a way to get it to go away.

red handed

yup. i got one. ugh, im pissed at her about it. and i dont know what to do about it. but if you want to know why i did it. well, i didnt want to feel like you were the only girl. it sounds dumb, but without doing what i did, i felt like you were my ownly string attaching me to the paraschute. and i wont let that happen just yet.

no i am not just going to sit around and wait for you to make up your mind.

baby girl

BULL FUCKIN SHIT! look, im not going to be put second. or third. or let some new gu... well old guy that has poped up again take you away. if you want him, as you wrote, take him. you think im an emotional person.. which i am... but ive got a wall up now. you wont hurt me. i will not let you hurt me. at all. see its like this. i call it the paraschute effect. see this is how i work. if you consider a picture of a paraschuter, im the person, my heart is the paraschute, and girls are the strings attaching the two. there is a reason there are so many strings. so if one breaks your not screwed, you have others to hold you up, if 3 break you still have many more to save you. i will not let you be my only tie to my heart. i want you to be but i dont trust you with that. i WANT you to prove me wrong. chloe thought what i said was harsh and i told her " i only said it because i want her to prove me wrong, i want her to show me that we can work." you apparently arent ANYWHERE near being over jake so, ill let you go to him. i dont know what to do with you. i dont know if i should leave you and let you have your play time with jake until you want to get serious. i also have another analogy with myself and girls. see girls dont often know what they want. so i picture myself like a bunch of land that is up for sale... you can buy me now but if you dont think your ready, you dont have much time before someone else buys me. and you wont see it comming, just when you go to buy me, ill have a SOLD sign on me. i WANT you to buy me and take me away with you. but i dont think your ready..... at all. that might seem like a slap in the face but its true. you have too many engagements with other guys. i couldnt trust you to not have feelings for them when we go out. i couldnt. i need to. like you said.. you want me to just stop. so i will, if you want otherwise, let me know. but baby girl, i wont be here for long. take what you can while its there.
write back in another blog will ya? =]
thanks baby girl

calling the game

If i can call it, im going to say it will last for about 3 weeks maybe. then you will end what ever we have and it would have been well a waste of time because you never made up your mind. so right within the next three weeks i think that things between you and i will be done. i dont want it like that so prove me wrong will ya?

goodnight

i understand its over.
i realize your seriousness in this matter of leaving me. i understand how i have hurt you. at the time of this betrayal to you, we were friends. BEST friends in my opinion. my favorite friend as i told others. my heart is killing at the moment, much like your heart has the past 2 months. as im sure your thinking... "hows a taste of your own medecine?" shit i cant spell worth a damn.
you gave me something so special to you, and unknown to you, very special to me. i wish i hadnt taken that from you because i wasnt worth it. im sure your nodding your head right now. i was not worth your time, or your emotions.

i love you. you probally just had a little chuckle. i love you chloe. the feelings i had for you were much different then the ones you had for me, but much like yours was how strong mine were for you. i wouldnt let danger touch you. i will not. i will be your protector and your brother and your best friend. as you know with your sister, siblings fight and hate eachother and fall back in love. i have a feeling that you and i will continue this cycle as normal siblings continue to do all over the world. we were meant to be friends chloe, and possibly a married couple. ya know ive had visionsof us being married. trippy because when i see you i still see those visions. i will not express to the greatest degree my feelings for you now because you already know them. i was affraid of her taking me when i had relationship feelings for you. but not anymore. we are, or you are my best friend and i have no more relationship feelings for you. i love you yes, but i love you like you love your sister. like a father loves his daughter. and well if your religious, like god loves his followers.

she makes me happy. its true but what her and i have is not concrete yet, im not sure if it ever will be. i told you i told you i told you. i told you that it would hurt you more then it would hurt you to wait to find out. I TOLD YOU! god damnit chloe listen to me next time. i havent cried like this since, well since alix left me. and then i cried for 20 minutes, this has taken an hour and 10 just to write to here.

my friend asked why i was crying. my response is "my best friend just left me." her response was "well who ever he or she is is a bitch!" my response... "no dont talk about her like that, i love that girl, she deserves everything i could possibly give her and more. i love her so much. and i ruined what we had" her response . "then why did she leave you? you dont have to explain actually. ok but then she isnt a bitch. im sure she will come back to you." my response " no i need to be the one to go back to her this time. she deserves everything in the world and she deserves to feel love once more." i love you chloe.

i need you to do something for me. you probally just got a burst of anger inside you. i need you to not hate halee. you and i are much better friends then you and halee. i can take your anger, i can take your hate and your hits. i can. not her. please, hate me in place of her. thats all i can ask of you.

you can not have lost trust for me. i know you havent. our filled of love for one another like oceans fill with water. you can not empty it. you may be able to take some out and put some back in but there is no empting the vast ocean.

i cant ask for you not to leave me only because that would put you in a bad, or worse mood. If my thoughts and dreams are correct, we will attract eachother once more, in a day, a week or a year from now. we are inseperable. when you left, i lost a part of me. a part that is vital to me. whos going to take your place? there isnt anyone better.

dont forget about us. k? to not have me be a part of your heart is an actual clean break. there are little threads... or twigs that are holding us together... depending on what your breaking (theorietically) (want to help me learn how to spell? please? thanks =])

And i swear you dont have to go. i thought we could wait for the fire works i thought we could wait for the fire show. you dont have to go chloe. but if you must, the world is waiting for you. your a great girl. an AMAZING girl might i add. one, that i regret hurting.

well, its 12 13 right now and ive had 3 people say happy birthday to me.... all of which while im balling my eyes out. well im going to cry myself to sleep. ugh.

goodnight,
Love,
William James Beaumont

fire

close your eyes and picture this.
beaituful rolling hills.
green grass with dandilions and other beautiful flowers.
birds singing
a blue sky some bleach white clouds
an enormous blinding sun beating on you while a breeze flows in your hair hugging your skin and it whispers by
now picture red white and blue flames yelling at the world in anger as it engulfs the once beautiful scene

we all know that after a fire, the earth will go through rejuvination and revival.
even after this horrible disaster, well you got what you wanted. you got a new, beautiful wilderness. but is it going to be exactly what you want?

you

your hurting yourself.
your making me not care that your upset because NOTHING will make me tell you. this is one secret locked away. your trucking your hatred words at me expecting me to give in. you say they are real. you say your not joking this time. your joking.... i know you love as i love you, and i know you will get over it. you have to because as i said, NOTHING will make me tell you. you came close many times but you decided to disband those ideas. i love you chloe. dont let a dumb boy get you down. =] word

love always always always and forever n ever,
your son, =]
William James Beaumont

other side

they make me want to give up. maybe this is how it is with girls and me but i feel so unconfident in myself. how could it be me that you chose? why would i out do every other guy to be with you. i dont deserve you. i can tell my feelings have over done themselves once more. as always i eaither have too much feelings or not enough. i guess ill switch to the not enough side.

Chloe

Is seriously the coolest person ever. She helped me with my essay, she holds my clothes for me, and she is just all around amazing. Wow.
:)

I should tell her the lock code on my phone, after all she does for me.

She is just so damn awesome! Ahh!

to lauren

lauren,
we have been so close in this past month, so personal and intimate. we have expressed feelings for eachother that we havent shown many people. i cant keep this going on. i need to let you know how i truely feel. about a week ago i said i have good news and bad news. i asked which one you wanted to hear first, you said good. so i told you the news then i asked if you wanted to hear the bad news. you asked if it would hurt you and i said yes, so you said dont tell me. i agreed and carried on with the conversation. well its time that the bad news iw as going to tell you is revealed. well, i dont have any feelings for you anymore. everytime i hold your hand, or kiss you it is even more apparent then the previous. its so hard to tell this to you because i know your mom loves me and likewise for rick... i think. it kills me to let you down like this.
you might be thinking "well what now?" well i think we should continue seeing eachother like we do. just no more kissing and what not. i TRUELY hope this doesnt ruin things for us. i really love your company and your friends. i still want late night movies, "naps", magic music repeaters, and laughs.
love,
william

wednesday

it showed me alot. more then i expected. not good eaither.
it showed me that you and i are only going to be friends. it showed me that i know i can trust you with everything. it showed me that we can be very close but it also showed me that i have no intrest in having you as my girlfriend. id much rather have you be my best friend. i love you chloe.
love,
William

afdhgsaghsdycydtdr

you dont understand me what so ever.
i hate explaining myself because i feel like im wasting my time.
why cant you understand me? im not hard to understand.
we are both so complicated but we dont mesh. i dont feel. i love that you want to make me happy because i appreciate that.

legos woot

your not THE girl i want. i want you but there are so many issues. i like where we are now. but i cant think of us being together. im so undecided in my feelings for you. i love being with you but i love just hanging out wiht you. not the relationship part. i want to upgrade as far as feelings go with every girlfriend i have. and i dont think i have those feelings for you. today when i looked into your eyes i was amazed because i havent felt that feeling in a long time but at the same time i couldnt stop thinking about negative things. i picture us like legos. we are two pieces that work along side eachother but dont fit perfectly with eachother. i pretty much could sum it up with that analogy.

can you hear me now???

hello???? can you hear me??? i think i am cutting out. i cant hear you.... CONNECTION LOST. our connection is lost. it was perfect with no inturruptions there for a while. there was a bit of static for a couple weeks and it cleared up again. must have been good communication between the two main devices. then more static, and now the connection is gone. i feel like we have lost all connection. houston we have a problem. see you hate how i can make you happy and mad within the same minute, but i hate how you can make me scared and in love within the same day. i cant believe you. i know im going to get "ok i can mess up a couple times im not going to be perfect" or "it was just once" or "its not like its that bad to try it." if your thinking that. dont waste your breath telling me. its a good thing i didnt go with you, i would have punched him if i saw him and you. and then yelled at you. atleast i hope you had a good time.

word? true story? definatley? absolutly? to yo motha

i want you to listen to this song " when im gone" by eminem

dur

you know i love you i just said i love you. i know i love you i know it iknow it i know it

cry

you made me cry =[ kinda teary eyed, but i would have cried if you wernt on the phone

i wish...

i have told you, for the past few weeks there was little chance of being together, for us continuing the amazing strech of moments we once had. we both fell in love on those moments where we would stare into eachothers endless eyes, as we would laugh and cry, and scream, and snap, and hide, listen to my mother fart, pants eachother and live a portion of our lives together. she is nothing to me, meerely a girl that you can not seem to come to grips with the fact that i have a friendship with her. i know it has hurt you in the past but let me tell you, this time she has not taken me. there is no feelings i have for her and there are no feelings she has for me. i would not be able to bare the sight of having a relationship with her and then seeign you. there is no denying the fact that we had an amazing connection, one that, if you leave, will be deeply missed. we still have this connection, but it seems hidden, or guarded under "blankets" that we put over ourself to not get too close. lets unvail ourselfs. not that we have to have a relationship, but ive told everyone, even you, that your one of my few best friends. i dont want to lose that chunk of my heart that is yours. i understand if you have moved on, if you will move on because thats how life works, but just know that i will always be here ready to open myself up to you. ive never been so amazed by anyone like you have amazed me. i have played with you and tooled you around only to find your breaking point. to see how strong you are. to see how much presure is needed to break you. and, yes, it was inhumane. it was wrong and selfish. but i only regret one thing out of this "cloud 9" expierence that i have had with you. and that is leaving you. its amazing how neglectful i can be towards my own feelings. there is one girl that is my perfect match and that is you. but will i take it? no, i will not accept that because, well i dont know. but i know that your the perfect girl for me but i continue to search. your everything im looking for. your smart, cute, amazing, filled of jokes, beautiful, sweet, respectful, loving, you can strike me with emotion although i dont show it.

I need you to know, that your my favorite part of highschool. 1, and 2.... im a boy, that has been hardened by heartbreak. so please, when your ready and if you want, crack this casing off of my heart once more like you have done ever so often.

if you are leaving this friendship, as previously stated, i understand and respect that.

i wish your life becomes as lively as your emotions
i wish you find that man that strives to make you happy.
i wish you have fun and happy highschool years.
i wish you go to the college of your dreams because believe me sweetie, you have earned all of it.
i wish you become that writer you want to be.
i wish you write your heart out everywhere you go.
i wish you have a successful life.
i wish you would remember me and all we had a few short weeks ago.
i wish you could know my love for you.
i wish you could know how i long to be with you, but wont accept it.
i wish you the absolute very best.

P.S. dont let dumb guys bring you down. we are worthless, but there is one, maybe two, that are worthy of your absolute love. find that man and make him proud. you will always be loved from someone back at home. your an amazing girl chloe and you make me, your family, and all your friends so proud to have gotten the chance to see you grow in the many ways you have.
stay strong and love life because it will be over before you know it.

i love you,
William James Beaumont

one

there is only one girl i think about when ever love songs come on

never know

she will never know how much i obsess over her. ever

C.A.E.

i want you to stop. i want you to stop trying. where my feelings are now are not because of you trying. its because of my intrest in you. lets just be friends. i dont want anything with any girl right now. and i tell EVERY girl this "everyone hurts me" so im done with trying. i dont want anyting right now. i apologise for catching you off guard.
love,
william James Beaumont

farewell

how could i go without a farewell?

well, good bye! it was a great go. if you want to try it again let me know. i wont be waiting but i cant wait for the day you do let me know. your an amazing girl and well, " i love you i love you i love you, there is no better way to say, i love you!" stay strong in this time of trouble, i understand what your going through but dont make it so hard on yourself. im happy you found someone that makes you happy. true, i really am, im dissapointed its not me but like ive always told you, i just want you to be happy. so SMILE sweetie. shine those pearly whites and show the world what a great girl you are. let your mom know i appreciated all she did for me, and i greatly appreciate all you did for me. it was great being your friend and i personally dont regret anything. maybe a couple things but i cant change it so why should i care? just be happy sweetie. you really deserve it. good night! good life!

youll be missed,

W.J.B

W.A.T

how could you do this? how could you demolish me like no one can. how can you knowingly break my heart over and over again? im done with you. im really done this time. you can come to homecomming with me only because im your ticket in. but we are through. no more talking no nothing! if you want me try to not hurt someone next time. im happy your with someone that makes you happy but finish one project before you start on another. ive ended mine, you need to end yours too. you some how get my hopes up and strike me down. its like a lightning storm. its amazing and dangerous and powerful. its amazing because you rarely see that kind of connection between the sky and the ground, because you see the power the earth, in which you have no control over, is able to produce. its great.... until it strikes an electrical pole and your electricty goes out. its great until it strikes you and you DIE! or get brutally injured. its great until it scares the shit out of you because its so powerful. WELL STOP FUCKING SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF ME! I DONT LIKE IT! some how, you are able to make me lose all power, over everything. with you i cant control shit! why? your not that great. your not great at all actually. i can barely stand you most of the time. your a pain to get along with. your family hates me (your dad). we cant get along cause you cant be fucking happy! fake a smile i dont care just do something to lighten the mood! you make me so mad because you dont play by the same rules as you expect everyone else too. why do you do this to me just drive me insane! again, YOUR SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF ME! im done. good night. we are through. what is wrong with me? why cant we work!?

in remembrance,
We Are Through

ROPE?

im like a rope. you pull me tight, to the breaking point, but then give me slack and then pull again. eventuall your going to pull and im going to break. im done. your pulling me too tight. i said the best part about you was that you make me try, well im done. there is no reason to try if it leads to nothing. next time you dont want a relationship and a guy is trying to get you, make sure you let him know that its never going to happen. its wrong to him because it leads him on. i dont want to say you led me on because i know you didnt do it on purpose but.... sadly, thats waht came out of it. watch after this, something cute is going to happen and i will think we have a chance again but it will wiither away. it will pass. i just want to be with you. that is all i want. dont tell me it will happen ever again. please, if you havent already, erase me. everything about me. good thing you didnt memorize my number. if this seems harsh, its just a peak into my feelings right now. im hurt and sad, and dissapointed, and done. go on girl. ill miss you.
love,
William James Beaumont