seperate

am i to blame for this seperation?

i believe so....

erased

not that you will read this, or that you will care, but no i wouldnt erase someone that hurt me. i know many people that have hurt me in some way or another, yet i wouldnt give that expierence up for the world. i wouldnt do that because, like you said, it would change who i am today. hell, if i erased savannah, a girl that i dated for 3 months, i would most likely still be at grace. if i erased alix, i would be at royal. if i erased debbie, id be at hillside..... my life would have been 100% different and i thank every person that has made an impact on my life for it.

its sad though.
to think that someone you cared for so much, so so so much, would erase you...

so long

no, i am not talking to you tonight most likely. im appaled at you. completly.
i think this is intresting, if you dont think i should fight for you, why should i fight for us?
goodnight.

defensive

its amazing how defensive i am with things other than myself.
i let people say shit to me all the time, but i dont react.
i will not let people say shit about my friends.
any of them. i wont let this go.
feelings will subdue but as soon as i get the chance...

joking?

are you joking? so much for a friend. a best friend? not by what you say.
honestly, i dont know if i have ever met a worse friend. i really dont know. to hear that you have been saying stuff, terribly mean stuff, behind our backs? nahh thats not cool.
i must say, your a piece of shit. worthless? nah, you have a good month in you then it just goes down the drain.
your rude
very inconsiderate
have a loud mouth
you are a good package.
great wrapping paper
but the inside is only a trap.

ive come to find that with you out of my life, my depression has faded drastically. it a miracle that all i had to do was throw away one thing and it will get better.
i dont want to talk to you.
at all.

shit

i dont think you could have been a worse girlfriend for that hour. support? no such thing. chemistry? not existing. love? nahhh. got my back? hardly.
i hope you find out what he said about you. i really do. it wont be from me though.

you!

i am finding it harder and harder

to transition into a phase that has been

foreign to me for so long.

to change what i say,

what i think,

who i talk to,

how to act.

i must say, it is harder than i thought.

i wont lie, i do question myself,

my decisions,

alot

just work with me through this,

through this like so many times before,

just work with me.

we, i, will have my ups and downs

my doubts, my triumphs.

just know,

no matter how i act,

what i do,

just know,

that i

am

happy

with

YOU!

some day, maybe we will meet again

IM NOT SAYIN!
IM SORRY!
ONE DAY, MAYBE WE
WILL MEET AGAIN!!!

i cant wait to be old enough to be free.
i am seeing myself have more and more independence everyday. i am very excited to have a job. to be able to support my 16 year old needs will be very nice. one day, in the next 4 years, i will leave, for an extended period of time. i will break any relationship i am in, i will ignore any phonecalls/texts i get, i will hug my mom goodbye, leave a note for my friends, pack up the car, get some gas and just drive. drive to new limits, and surpass those and creat new ones. i will drive to those, and make new limits. wether i drive north to canada, or east to boston, i want to be free from this home of mine. i want to branch out on my own. expierence what we all feel we have missed out on. i dont want to have someone checking the side mirrors making sure i made my turn correctly. i dont want to be called because my mom isnt answering her phone. i would just like to leave and meet new people. that is something i have always been great at. striking up conversations with people i dont even know.

"some day, maybe we will meet again"
i dont want to feel i have to come home to see anyone because they miss me. i will tell everyone that someday, hopefully i will meet you again. i will cry, just like i am now, but its what i want so much. throughout my whole life, i have been put in charge, been a leader of people, had to take care of people, been the door mat for people and i am sick of it. no, it is not my time to be relinquished of these duties just yet, but some day, some day soon i hope.

some day soon

scooters

i have come to find that most everything ive heard about you was true. things i didnt want to believe because they require someone to fake things, and if they arent faking them, then they just hardly have a heart. id prefer to think that you are faking these things but the more time that goes by, im begining to think otherwise. sometimes, i dont know how you have friends. not in a mean way, but just friendships are soposed to be able to tell the other things and expect to be listened to. i understand the reasoning for what you said, but why you said it is not understood. it wasnt needed what so ever and it didnt help anything AT ALL. i really dont even think it helped you. i guess ive just come to the conclusion that anything reguarding you can not be depressing, although alot of your private life is often times, depressing. it can not be about problems i have or problems you have, purely about "happy stuff."

closer than ever

im closer than ever. all i am going to say is that tonight, just felt right. im trying to buy time. see how much time i have to keep doing what i need it for (its a secret). i just want a little bit more but i will always want a little bit more because i never know what is around the corrner. i have come to accept the things that bother me and be happy for what you are to me.

let me warn you as i have everyone else. i am mean. i am heartless. i am selfish. i am inconsiderate. i will hurt you.

=]

nicole

nicole! my phone died. talk to me on facebook or aim?

nick -oool

good. ya know, there are those friendships, that i just dont care about. they always turn out in fights. i think its because one person will work harder for it than the other. they always turn out to have someone get hurt. but im glad your moving on. we will always have that connection that is not faked. atleast not from me. i would still like to see you every day, not because i have to, but because i enjoy it.

and by the way, did you notice i wasnt at school today, or yesterday?

weekend plans

this should be a really fun weekend. i have a feeling that this weekend will be loaded with stuff.
-fixing up the house and repairing things
-hangingout with morgan
-hangingout with carly
-going to a party on friday
-NOT doing E
-fixing the computer and getting it fixed
-football woot
- missing chloe =/
- driving around
- hanging out with zech alot! hes finally off grounding.
- just waking up early and going to bed late =]
- easy like a sunday morning!

anything

i dont think its fair. ive been thinking about it alot lately.
we both had people that we liked. people we saw ourselfs somewhat being with. i threw mine away, not because it didnt work because it would have very well worked but because yours wasnt working. i dont like that i feel inclined to do something just because you did something. i want to take that chance but im afraid its too late now. i dont know where you and i are going. if we are going anywhere, but i kow that i want to go somewhere. ive been told by so many people lately that maybe i just dont want you like i think i do. i think i do obviously but they are just saying it from an outside view. i dont like that so many things we do are because the other person made us mad so we do the same thing back.

i just wish i hadnt thrown that chance away. i also wish that you wont freak out about this too.

out of hand

are you fuckin kidding me. get over it. i told you exactly what i thought, not to make you mad, but because thats what you want. so i told you. but i also told you that nothing will happen........ believe me next time??? cmon!

home

i can not escape fast enough. i have never been one of those kids that hates being home until recently. i never want to be home... with you. your such a downer. its nothing you can change but its just you. right now, no one wants to be around you. i cant wait to leave this house. i am finding myself making plans, not to actually hangout with other people, just to get away from this house. this house is depressing. it swallows you whole as soon as you take a step in it.

who you want to be

it sad. to hear that you are torn up about yourself. hating the way you are now and loving the way you were. you hear it over and over again, wether its from me or someone else, be yourself, or this isnt who youare. we might not have known you when you were so, but we knew it laid in there somewhere.
its a funny thing, to see numerous people, including myself, wish they could be someone that they were before. whether that be someone more innocent or someone more daring. someone close to our parents, someone with more friends. someone more athletic, someone skinnier, someone with better grades, someone with a life. we all have these thoughts, but why dont we actually try to be like that? why is it impossible for us to change th way we want to?

i deleted you. from my phone from my aim. i guess the next step is to erase you from my facespace too but i dont think i will go that far. i always, always always told you that i wanted you to put forth effort but i never made you actually do that. i used to have your number memorized, i got called a freak for knowing it. but i have forgotten it now. i have no idea what it is. i know it starts with a 3 and thats about it. so, if i ever get a call or a text, ill have no idea who it is. and then ill decide if i should add it back, but if we are ever going to talk again, it wont be because of me.
i hope you find who you are, and who you want to be are the same people

partner in crime

well, i tried writing a poem. and i did but after wards, i read it over and deleted it because i didnt like it and thought it was pointless.



let me just say this. i want to hang out with you more too, but no more of these night time sleep overs. as fun as it is, that defines this friendship, sneaky, immature at some points, devious, secretive and pasionate. our encounters are one of a kind and always store a sense of adventure with it even though we remain only in the 4 walls of my room. its something i look forward too everytime, but its time to change that. as much as i want you to be my friend, i dont want you to be my sneakout buddy that sleeps over. i want you to be the friend that i can go to the mall with, or the movies with. when chloe and i go out, i cant say, o im going to go hangout with nicole and shes gonna sleep over.... that would be ridiclous. not only that, even I dont want to continue that way of hanging out. i think we can be alot close if we go OUT and do stuff. so, until we hangout in person, no more of this sneaking out.

would it make it eaiser if i just left your life? took a different route to football? left you with your best friends?

deception

let me just say, i know both of us are lieing. its funny

how strong we want to be in the others eyes that we break our

hearts to show them.

right or left.

this is strange and unexpected.
you refuse to be friends with me, yet you admit that your actions were wrongly committed.
you say your sorry, yet still ignore me in your own way.
you say you dont care, but i bet by the end of the day, you will have read this.
you suck at making decisions, yet you made this one pretty eaisly.
i think its about time you pick a side.

every 15 minutes

i thought i would laugh. joke with my friends about it. maybe even point and gauf about you being dead. i laughed o yes i laughed. but that was before i saw anything. i told my friends that you had died and how funny it was. some, mainly girls, said "aww that sucks" and the guys laughed and gave me a hi-five. so, 10 50 came along and it was time to go out to see the scene.

walking up the bleachers hearing my named called by ally to come sit with her. i thought that ally and i might laugh together so it sounded like a good idea. we sat, with the sun on us, not to hot, not to chilly. i listened to the dumb guys in the big group in the middle making jokes and laughing and saying rude things. we watched the white curtain that blocked the viewing of the car crash. soon enough, the police woman picked up the microphone and started talking. telling us about the dangers of alcohol and driving. the people pulled the curtain away to unveil the scene. one of those people, who i quickly spotted out of the group was you. i started tearing up, looking at you with your grey and black makeup on. to think that you had died, even though it was not reality, was hurting me. immediately, thoughts from the past started flooding my mind. i couldnt stop thinking about our 16 months that i consider to be yours. while i was lost in this story of mine, ally was talking in the backround about you and you staring at her. it was funny because i thought you were looking at me, that we were actually making peaceful eye contact. but i know you wernt looking at eaither of us, that you were merely gazing in our direction.

this made me think. why dont we like eachother? i think that it isnt that at all no matter what shit we talk about eachother. it think it all has to do with outside people or influences. your well aware of what im speaking of. but reguardless, i wish we could be friends. we always said we would love eachother forever, and i still love you. not in the same way, buti do and i would love to be friends with the girl i spent 16 months of my life with.

will i ever give this to you? i doubt it. do you care? 99.5% no.

always and forever,
your friend,
William Beaumont

sarah davis

this is odd. i thougt you hated me. you and your devilish dirty friend of yours. (the first letter of the adjectives is the first letter of your friends name by the way. im sure you can figure that out) i thought you two hated me. maybe it was just comming from her and since you associated with her, i thought it was from you also. apparently not. apparently you feel some what the same as i do. your understanding, accepting and inviting. your free yet tied down to lifes everyday necessities, your open yet confidential, your like me yet yourself. i feel lonely sometimes. not having very many FRIENDS more like a fuck load of hey's and whats up's and fist bumps to those people you are n o longer close too, but still feel intitled to acknoledge (spelt wrong majorly) their being. for what ever reason, i feel like you understand this. not because you have the same problem, but just you have an understanding of this. odd because ive hardly said 10 words to you in the 6 months we have sat by eachother.

well, thank you. to think that someone, one of my piers, someone going through the same school day i am might possibly understand something about me. thank you.

thank you,
William james beaumont

mamma bear

i think its funny when you talk about how you think i feel. i thought it was so amusing watching you today, sit a few feet away from me talking about how you think you and i are so similiar. you say that we are the type of people that almost always have "sunny" days and have rain every now and then. that we are mostly happy people. and that we should be because life is great.
well you are right, life is great, but as one of my good friends said, even though life is great, we are cold, from the tips of our toes to the hairs on our head. we are cold.
you told me how much you knew about me and how similar we are. well, my days are not mostly sunny with a little bit of rain. WHAT SO EVER. although you will not read this. id appreciate if you would stop talking to me about this. we do not see eye to eye on this so please, stop the attempt at being similiar to the one you love.
thank you,
william beaumont

amazing

lately ive been tring to use my adjectives correctly. for instance, bad, worse, horrible, terrific, awesome, amazing, wonderful, alright, good, so so, muy mal, just any of those words i usually use. one word "awesome" i am only going to use for truely amazing things. things or people that i have loved so much. wether it is a time a place, an action, or a period of time or a person, the word "amazing" will be reserved for those amazing things. just to clear that up

imagine

imagine this,
if you ended all the friendships that you felt you put more effort into than they do, or you feel yourself not caring when they put alot of effort into it. just end it. how many would you lose? would you lose any at all? would you lose all of them?

doesnt that make you feel that you should try harder? or if your like me, that souds like a good idea because you can get rid of all the people that bug you when they try to continously talk to you. i dont think that ending all those friendships would be such a bad idea.
why is that?
some of my "friends" try so hard, harder than i would ever try, just to keep in contact with me and to make me want them like they want me, but i dont care. for what ever reason they do not matter to me. not because i dont want them as a friend, but there is just something about them that makes me not intrested in their friendship.
its friendships like these that make me feel ridiclous for trying at all for others. if i put some of my friends what they put me through, would they try? some i can think off of the top of my head would split in a heart beat, while others would stick it out just like i have.


do i make it that easy to just walk right out of my life?