you wanted me to write

how i felt when you drove up-
bumb bum, bumb bum, bumb bum, bumb bum. fast and faster it beat. pumping blood through my body for the fight or flight reponse. i wanted to run. i didnt want to face you. i wasnt sure what to expect. i wasnt able to move correctly and my skin got sweaty. i didnt know if you were going to slap me, or hug me, or burst into tears, or put up a wall. i just wasnt sure

when you came in-
i cried. i started tearing up. i didnt want to talk to you, yet i wanted to squeeze you until my arms gave out. i wanted to be with you, yet i didnt want to be close to you.

when i saw you-
you were at the top of my stairs. i wanted to fall to my knees. i wanted to cry, burst into tears, let my feelings run unending. i was ancious to see you, to be with you, to hear your voice. i brought the laptop up stairs to ease the mood by the way.

when we started talking-
i felt so happy. it seemed that things were back to normal. alhtough i know they wernt. i was happy to have you in my room, on my bed, in my presence because i know you can not leave that willingly. i wanted to hold you and hug you and just do everything we would have done in the last 2 days in 1 minute. i wanted to tell you i love you.


my thoughts-
i still stand by this. i dont need you but i desperately want you. you asked about change... well you wont see change at first. there was not much to change on an everyday basis. the truth was given to you 95% of the time. you will see that go to 100%. that is the only difference unless you ask for another thing. i think what has happened is good. maybe it will set us on that "friend" level. so we can build from there up. that does mean that anything that happens with you and guys shall not be taken with jealously or resentment or the threat of disfriendship, and the same goes for me and girls. we are friends and best friends. thats what we are right now. not people who like eachother or anthing of the sort. we are absolute best friends. and i am liking that.
i want you to know, no way have i forgotten abbout my vision. i hope you havent forgotten eaither. this time appart has only made me think about it more.

i love you,
william beaumont

nooooooaaawwww!!! (thats the way you say no)

last night was so much fun. it showed me how, oddly enough, compatiable we are to some degree. i saw a side of you i have never seen before. sneaking me in was so fun. although it obviously didnt matter when your dad saw me on the couch, it was still funny how i had to "sneak" in and be all quiet. i saw a whole different side to you. cuddly to a point. much more than normal. just wanting to be with me. it was sweet. it really was. but here comes the problem. your well aware that my bestfriend and i are no longer friends. this has absolutly killed me. i sat outside your house for 5 minutes crying before i came in yesterday. what i just want to say is that i will not pick you over her. i want to show her that i will be different. i love that girl to no end and id rather just be her friend than go out with you. it sounds harsh but i know that if we dont go out, than we will be friends and i like that. remember, this is only if she actually takes me back to be her friend. i am dieing without being her friend and being able to see her. she makes my days great. i dont know if she will take me back, thats kind of the main question. wether she does or no, i wil live. it is impossible to die from an emotional break down. but i am heartbroken. although everything else you said was a lie, i know she means more to you than i do, that, is not a lie. she means more to me thananyoneofmyfriends. she doesnt know how much she is loved. between you and i.

dont change, i dont ask you to change for me, so dont change at all. your great the way you are.

it cant be over... i wish that i could take it back. but its over

its finally been pulled. the block to make the tower fall. crumble. diminish. cease. your pushing me away because i keep trying. well im going to say i told you so when your in your room crying because im not trying anymore. i will stop trying. i dont kno why i am. fighting for an empty cause. trying to show you something. not sure what that is, but i am. well was.
i am in an arrogant mood towards this so this is how im feeling.
i dont need you. what will this change? a different place to eat lunch? not meeting you after 3rd? not texting you during 4th? all replaceable things. but one thing i know this will change is the mental map of my brain. sounds weird but when i say that, i think of those computer images of a brain and how it looks like light is flowing through the membrains. and i picture a black spot in the "love" corridoor (spelled wrong). thats what i think of

o well. what can i do now? nada, so why worry?

what i would like

i dont want you in that way. i know you adore me to no end, and that you willl always be there for me. well not always because just yesterday you called all things off. thats fine. i dont know why i dnt care. you put your heart out there for me everyday yet your one of the few people i can so eaisly reject. i love how hard you work for me. not that i want you to, just that its flattering that someone cares about me like you do. as i always have, i will be there for your issues. maybe the reason i call you a emotional wreck is because i dont want anything else. you asked me today waht i want to do with us. well i dont want a friendship. i was perfectly content at where we were a few months ago. when you only talked to me when you needed some support. i like that, alot. so that iswhat i want. there you go, i answered it.

rob thomas- someday

your damn right you wernt supposed to leave me. your also right that i wasnt supposed to hurt you. but is it ever right for someone to hurt someone else? damn straight. you got it right. i know what you were thinking so thats how i know you got it right. now, i know it has been a good 24 hours since this whole bomb exploded in our lives but as imsure for you, i already have thoughts about it. i am not trying to bring you back, no i will not do that. well i will, but i dont admit to it. i know your sad and as much as you deny it, i know you have had many thoughts of redoing this mess that has been caused. i want you back but i understand your departure. i know you dont want me to hurt you. i cant promise i wont hurt you again. actually, im waiting for you to have hurt me. can you hurt me? i think you, more than anyone can hurt me. my closest friend knows the exact knife used to break my skin. my skin is tougher than others. maybe not tougher, but it requires a different plan of attack to penetrate and you know just the plan to use. you have not used it yet, thank god, but ifeel that you will in the future.

i hate giving song lyrics as feelings, but this seems so perfect. the song is someday by rob thomas. here it goes. okay?

You can go

You can start all over again

You can try to find a way to make another day go by

You can hide

Hold all your feelings inside

You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

And maybe someday

We'll figure all this out

Try to put an end to all our doubt

Try to find a way to make things better now and

Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud

We'll be better off somehowSomeday

Now wait

And try to find another mistake

If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind

You can run, ohAnd when everything is over and done

You can shine a little light on everything around you

Man it's good to be someone

And maybe someday

We'll figure all this out

Try to put an end to all our doubt

Try to find a way to make things better now and

Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud

We'll be better off somehowSomeday

And I don't want to wait

I just want to know

I just want to hear you tell me so

Give it to me straight

Tell it to me slow

Cause maybe someday

We'll figure all this out

We'll put an end to all our doubt

Try to find a way to just feel better now and

Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud

We'll be better off somehow

Someday

Cause sometimes we don't really notice

Just how good it can get

So maybe we should start all over

Start all over again

so you can go on, with, or without me. i have found that i do not need you. as im sure you have found that you do not need me. i would rather have you in my life than not, but you can make up that decision. finally, for once, our fate is in your hands =]. do what you wish. you have my heart. you can crumble it up, smash it into a million pieces, or forget i ever handed it to you in the first place. as long as you have it.

i know you better than anyone else. that remains to be true.
i know what will happen today when i see you for the short few minutes.
well, there are 2 things that could happen, one of which i think will happen much more than the other.

opinion 1.
you will see me and start crying, you will hug me cry in my chest as you have done so many times before. i might start crying too. you will say your sorry for this and you dont want me to be sad about it. we will exchange things, and depart with an empty hole in our chest.

opinion 2.
you will see me, you will put a mask on and act strong while your heart and bones are breaking inside. you will act as though nothing has happened. we will not hug, we will exchange our gifts, yes, and you MIGHT say something worth saying but im still weary on that one. we will depart, with an empty hole in my heart and a temporary (spelled wrong) filling in your heart. you will hide the pain for what ever reason. i think this one has a far greater chance of happening than opinion 1.

i just want you to know, i know you better than you think. better than anyone else. and i can see right through your "walls".

i dont care

lately, ive been using the term "i dont care" alot more often. usually im lieing but thats just the first initial feeling that comes to mind. im finding i dont care that your leaving. you want to hurt me? it takes alot more than that to hurt me. not that you would know, but im stronger than most people could possibly be. no, it doesnt hurt. and reguarding claire? not that i care if you believe me or not, claire and i dont have a "thing". after i read that i texted her saying "so claire, we have a thing now?" no, i dont like her, shes a person, as i wrote, that i like talking to. so no talking? haha im gonna miss your mom. by the way, next time a "thing" turns out between you and a guy, dont waste his time. eaither you are in it or your not. its a waste of time waiting for your little games to take form. but once again, anytime someone trys to hurry those thoughts and feeings, they will find 3 words. I DONT CARE. whats new....

lately, ive been using the term "i dont care" alot more often. usually im lieing but thats just the first initial feeling that comes to mind. im finding how much i do care about you leaving. but as alwas i fake it to everyone else even myself. fake it that i dont care, that i can be happy without you. its almost becomming reality having this shade of lies pass over my eyes completly. i may be seeing lies and deception, but i can feel it inside, the loss i have.

today

well, i hope you wont mind me comming to watch you today. before all this happened, i was planning on it anyway. call me if you truely dont want me to come today. i know you will break down and possibly lose your job, but i think keith will understand. ill come, i wont talk, ill just watch. no inturruptions, i swear (spelled that wrong).

physical pain

to feel physical pain while emotionally sad.
i am feeling more pain right now than i have ever felt before from being emotionally empty.
my sister just came in and i told her a general idea as to my depression and she explained it perfectly well.
"your life is great, but from the tips of your toes, to the hairs on your head, your just depressed"
-jennifer singleton
and when i am with you, that goes away. completly away. i care, more then you know. i care SO much that i will give up talking to you and wanting to see you, only because you tell me too.

still the problem remains. now, stronger more than ever. i have to stay strong through all these problems.
i have a family, down stairs, needing me to keep all of them together. to not let the roof of this house get blown up. they need me to be happy and secure. they rely on me, but now, i wish they could rely on themselves more then ever and give me space. i just want some space right now, not from friends, but from my family. all the people that i cant show emotion too, i want space. i have to bite my lip(or my lipring) and suck it up, wipe the tears, go put on a smile and show everybody how "happy" i am. today blows. hopefully tonight will get better, through the help of one little tiny friend right next to me.

i dnt want to hear any of you people say "well then just go run off to her" cause that would just be uncallled for and wrong... dont say that

i loved you,
William James Beaumont

departure

there you go, everything else possible to read, you have read.
i believe everything you are saying. that you love me, god how much you love me. that i was you best friend. that this was the best friendship you ever had. well same for me. i couldnt have asked for a more loyal friend. as i said, i believe you. every word of it. that you dont want to talk anymore, that you dont even want to hear from me. i am crying now, in my bed, with 50 people having a great time down stairs. i feel like i have lost you. in due time will i find out if this was an actual plan that will take action and persist through the trials and prevail. that we will not be friends anymore, that i just lost, the love of my life. i believe you once more. but i do feel that reguardless of what you say, we will come back to eachother for the same reason as every other time. we will be friends again, in due time of course.
it hurts right now. you say that you hope i find a cure for my depression, well it was amazing how today, while with you, i dont think about it. the force of the demon can not penetrate my heart. it has always been that way for you and i. i always felt that way with you.
i am accepting of this as i should be. i will not go out of my way, physically to have you. i will strive for you in my thoughts, think about you more than you i. youd be suprised at what youmean to me. i do not regret anything that has to do with morgan. i was trying to find what fit me. as i said "i wish you knew what went on behind the scenes". after today, i have almost 100% come to the conclusion that morgan and i wont work, it just seems like a feat that will not work out.

chloe, as you said, we wont be talking again. i understand how that could hurt you again. i just want you to know, that no matter how much you ignore the drive, and the natrual desire to see me and be with me, i will be doing the same. ill fight it, if you wish, for you. id give anything, for my absolute, best friend.

i love you with absolutly, 100% of my heart,
kill me now, please,


love,
William James Beaumont

there is a perticular reason as to which one of my blogs i post my things on. if its on here, its for the few public that reads these, if its on the other, it means its confidential towards any lucky people that happen to stumble upon it.

conversation enders

i dont get it. why do people say things that they know will end the conversation but they say it anyway? that is a honest answer. can someone tell me why people would just end the conversation that way?
because it doesnt do anything good. it just looks like you dont want to talk

cat and mouse

i just want you to know that i do not need you. i can live perfectly fine with out you. so if you want to be part of my life, please be that because i like when your in my life and we are as close as we are. but i do not need you. dont think for one minute that i will chase you. that is who i was, but not who i am now. like i said, i love having you be here with me, but dont think that i will go out of my way for you. i dont think its worth it.

the good the bad the ugly

i dont think its the right time for a girlfriend.

who knows, maybe its me that just isnt right with girls right now. i used to never have problems what so ever. that i was always a good pick. i think that maybe it has to do with my emotional state that is the reason for my lack of "nibbles". there has been one girl that i have gone after that it has worked out but for the time being, that is put to the side. but anyone else it just doesnt work. why? i have never had these problems. have i changed that much? i guess i would be the only one thatcould tell you that.

it seems that the girls i want dont want me or visaversa ugh life blows. but right now im on a life time high. things are going great. people i havent talked to in years are talking to me. football is going good, me and bradley are kinda on good terms as far as this conversation goes, chloe is doing better than normal, carly is making me laugh, jamie just said hi and i havent seen her in forever, jake is being really nice and we are going to go hang out at 9 am on saturday morning to practice throwing with eachother, lauren is bugging me though. she wont shut up. and danit was dumb. she gave me the number to a suscide releif agency.... wow. and im going to hang out with claire this weekend because we had a lot of fun when we hung out before and we should do it again. nicole i think is doing good and im going to hang out with her this weekend. who knows. im excited, scared though because i know this will end, but for the time being, lets stay on this cloud 9 thing.

yar

voices

closing the car door, walking up the walk way to the front door. i have you heard you say my name so many times before, almost to the point where it is just an actual part of my day. your voice has a significant tone, a texture to it that is unique to your own vocal cords.

i respond my usual, everyday response as if nothing has changed. the world, involving you, has flipped upside down. you have changed, and accordingly, i have changed. i wish you could remain the same person, uphold the same stature you once did, impress us all as you once did.

it really is horrible it is. to look at you and only see lies. you have lied to us all and now you are leaving. my father, my dad is leaving.

you have left now, driving away as i walk home to tell you bad news. could care less if i actually have something to tell you or not. just drive away, take what you can fit in your car off to your safe haven. away from us.... away from me.

you made sure of it to make a point that it was not my fault. that it was everyone elses fault but mine. i think your full of shit. i have always felt that i represent this family in some way. i feel as if i am what people perceive as this family. if someone in this family messes up, i make it my job to ensure that it doesnt happen again and that it is taken care of. so when you tell me that it was everyone elses fault and not mine.... your full of shit cause its all my fault. somehow i sopose.

i am done writing about you. i have other things to keep my mind on.

no, id prefer not to go to the movies with you and have a "man night" and eat "man food", because you are no more of a man than i am.

intresting

i think its funny how all i have to do is enter "you" into the search bar, or you "mo" and it knows directly where im going. for "you" youknowchloe.... is the first one then youtube is below it. i just thought it was funnay
i cant belive you just touched my balls

farewell

run, run into the wind. spread your wings and see what is out there. who is out there. not one person in this world do you need. not your mom, dad, mo, keith, or myself. you can find almost exact replicas of all of us as much as people like to deny. the reason im so eager to push you out of the nest is because as with you, i do not need you. my life would be about 40% better if you wernt in it.. if you stopped being in it i should say. but i will not let you go. if you move on, good. dont draw it out, make it a quick break. i dont want any of this bullshit back and forth on friends thing. make your decision and stick with it. i cant say i dont care what you do because i do, but i will not advertise towards one side or the other. and i can answer that kids statement perfectly fine, im sure you can too, along with anyone that knows you as well as i do. here is where i practice restraint. let it be, let it be, yup, let it be. even great things have an experation date. if this is our cut off, our finish line so be it. many will fill our shoes, surpass emotions and expierences we so eaisly believe is our boundry of emotions and life expierences. we have only hit the surface....

your in ruins

does the pain out weigh the pride?
and you look for a place to hide?
did someone break your heart inside?
your in ruins

when your at the end of your road.
and you have lost all sense of control.
and your thoughts have taken their toll..
when your mind breaks the spirit of your soul.

when its time to live and let die
and you cant get another try.
something inside this heart has died.
your in ruins


ive tried it before, and even then, my emotional instability wasnt as great as this. im finding very few reasons to not go through.

cutting board

a dump.
i wish it would just dump on me at once. lately, alot of negative things have happened. ALOT of things. no, i take that back, not a large number of them, just things that have impacted me greatly and things that are important to me. i wish that everything for the next few months, all the negative things would hit me in one day. i can store it away alot better that way than having it happen over time. its hard to store all this stuff inside and i have never learned how to let it out. i dont know if i will ever leanrn to let it go, but hopefully one day, i will peacefully let all this shit out. again, i just wish everything could hit me right now. if your thinking about leaving me, leave me now. please just do it, (yes im talking about you). i feel like im just lying on the cutting board. i would much rather have one big potentially life ending cut than a shit load of little ones over a long period of time that never heals. blah. life blows, right as it was getting better, life blows.

question.... why dont i resort to cutting, or physical abuse to over ride the mental strain?

My tears run down like razorbladesAnd no, I'm not the one to blameIt's you ' or is it me? And all the words we never sayCome out and now we're all ashamedAnd there's no sense in playing gamesWhen you've done all you can doBut now it's over, it's over, why is it over?We had the chance to make itNow it's over, it's over, it can't be overI wish that I could take it backBut it's overI lose myself in all these fightsI lose my sense of wrong and rightI cry, I cryIt's shaking from the pain that's in my headI just wanna crawl into my bedAnd throw away the life I ledBut I won't let it die, but I won't let it dieBut now it's over, it's over, why is it over?We had the chance to make itNow it's over, it's over, it can't be overI wish that I could take it backI'm falling apart, I'm falling apartDon't say this won't last foreverYou're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heartDon't tell me that we will never be togetherWe could be, over and overWe could be, foreverI'm falling apart, I'm falling apartDon't say this won't last foreverYou're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heartDon't tell me that we will never be togetherWe could be, over and overWe could be, foreverIt's not over, it's not over, it's never overUnless you let it take youIt's not over, it's not over, it's not overUnless you let it break youIt's not over


percisely

yuck

your always there with me. everywhere i go, you are the first thing people see. they cant look at me without seeing you. i hate you. you embarass (spelled wrong) me all the time. i dont go an hour without seeing your presence. i am literally in your shadow when ever the sun is out. i hate you and am going to change you asap.

can you guess what this is?

restraint

changing ones casual expectations, moods, behaviors, actions, thoughts, or words for the betterment of ones self.

a situation has come forth when normally i would act a certain way towards it, but! since i am trying to change, i will act as if i dont care for the betterment of ones self. im a good faker. but no one needs to know that.

some of me has to fake that reaction i gave you while other parts of me are saying YAY! go out with him already. go right now gogo!

i dont know, only the future, my increasing blood pressure, chills through my body, and thoughts can tell.

i hope it works out!

tears

tears are things i seem to bring to the table more often than not. im causing them in more and more people. unintentionally at that. i will write you a note and give it to you tomorrow. i hope to god that i can put how i feel right NOW into words. you dont know how i feel, but i hope you soon will. dont be affraid of what will come, what can grow and what can be lost. let it be let it be. i love you, let it be

get the time right

not at this rate. go see what else is out there. i didnt say it AFTER you had told me anything that would have made me mad. i told you that today at 3 40.... well before you told me anything.

i decided to...

i knew i was going to write about youtoday. i juust didnt know when that was going to happen. we get closer and closer everyday. no one knows about it and right now, i like it that way. we talk almost all day long, no wonder my battery dies so fast. but, lately things seem different. different in a good way. we arent getting closer as just friends, but have feelings for eachother and expressing those feelings with eachother. i am excited for the things to come for you, for myself. wether that means being together, or just being friends. i love her, yes its true i love her, but things just dont work out with her. i have to move on to another state of mind soon enough. will we work out? most likely not. i hope we do but that wont be something that happens anytime soon. lets go by OUR feelings, not what other people want us to feel.

boomerang

i swear, that metaphor was so right about the orbit thing. i come closer every day, then move back out. its an ongoing process. today i really thought i was over that hill. but like always, i got moved back onto the other side of the hill, to roll down it and lose any progress i had made. i wasnt lieing when i said "i wont compete for you. i dont compete. they can have you." thats what i told you. and as always, go for it. chase the fish, you will only come back.

apparently you didnt read what i wrote. i want you to THINK about what YOU want. im not saying i want time appart. i want you to have time to think without seeing me. so think about it once more
for OUR sake

friendships

first, fuck you.
something recently is making me regret things.
you and i are changing and our changings are always pushing us appart.
we come together 20% of the time and get close and realize that we should be and can be closer than we ever have been. but its the other 80% that we dont want to be with eachother or talk to eachother. is it worth it? what can we do? those are questions asked and attempted to be answered many times. i know the thought of leaving eachother once more is always going through our minds. i was thinking about it today and how with zech and i, i dont have to TRY for that, we can have weeks where we dont talk, months where wedont see eachother, but we will always be friends no matter what. best friends.... you were my best friend.
i dont know if we can be friends chloe. why is this such a problem? love? i cant help that. i wish i could take your love for me away. i dont want you anymore than a best friend, but i think even now i there isnt that much to be a best friend. maybe a friend but this isnt a friendship. this, what we have, is a problem. not a friendship. i wont be seeing you tomorrow after 3rd. if you like to text me, be my guest, id love to talk to you. but i wont see you. maybe take some time appart to think about where you want this friendship to go. this is life, love, and friendships. i dont want you to be the perfect friend or girl, i want you to be the girl that i see flaws in that is 100% herself and doesnt change a tiny bit for me. you are my friend chloe. my best friend if this works out.

just think about what you want. if you want to actually be my FRIEND, or nothing, but there is no choice C. we can be friends, but anything more than friends is not going to happen right now.
i love you as you always know. there is a world of difference between feeling happy and feeling whole. and with out yourfriendship, im neither. and same goes for you. i know without myfriendship, you are not happy or whole. goodnight chloe, or goodmorning.
ilove you,
William James Beaumont

love is a funny thing

this is not my own words what so ever. actually 100% of it is copy and pasted. this is a great friend of mines. goodjob with this girl. i obviously love it

Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect her to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect her to calm you down when you're yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn't exactly match up with all your plans. But that's the thing. Love isn't a plan. It doesn't have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.

Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can't comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can't see. They can't see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you're in love. It's inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can't live without it. What you don't learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn't worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.

Love isn't her calming you down when you yell. It's her yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn't her/him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable.

It's after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet her showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It's not her saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. So no, it's not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It's her standing there, admitting she's just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you're not the only one involved. You've unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it.

It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn't cross. Because love isn't about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It's about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it's a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling 'happy' and feeling whole.

do not forget me she says. do not forget

let me just start out by replying to your post.

you have come in and left, and come back into my life over and over again. its something that is... was somewhat expected with you. something i dont like what so ever. you can not change what position you hold in my life what so ever. that is something that will come at my own terms. i love you too, as i said while intoxicated, but i dont love you as you love me. its funny, when you brought up that movie. i remember seeing that scene and looking at the TV screen that was showing the thing that would show you what you want.... well, i thought i saw me having a girlfriend that i loved and that loved me, along with friends that were by my side no matter who i was dating or what not. well, your one of those friends. people dont see how close we are but its because they dont know. you were right, that thing does make peopel close. that night when we were laying together, i felt closer with you than i ever have. not that i wanted you as a girlfriend, but as a friend. im finding that my "pool" of friends is getting bigger. its sad at the same time because some of these people that im really good friends with, our friendship is based off of feelings comming from one side or the other. with you, they are comming form you, with the other girl they are comming from her, with the other other girl they are comming from me. now what if these feelings stopped comming from one side or the other? would the friendships remain the same? i know right away that one of them will changeand that one of them will stay the same. what about the 3rd one though?

i dont want that one to change, but we have not been friends long enough to really know that.

it makes me sad to think that you think that i would actually forget you. i told you that i will protect you as long as you let me and i will not forget you as long as you dont forget me in the process. i wasnt lieing, or over exaggerating. i do not lie when i say stuff like that. i will always be here, even if we drift apart, i will always be here.

one thing i have always liked about you that i cant stand with other people is how you still have feelings, but you remain a friend, and you act like a friend to me. you really can act like a friend. you can be a friend. that is awesome that you arent so stubborn to the point in which you dont think you can be friends with me because of your feelings for me. i love that about you. good job =]. i know you say you do not want to, but we definitely need to dowhat we did again. it made us closer and it was one of the greatest nights EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. K?

goodnight. and hopefully next time you see that scene with the mirror, youllsee what i see =] but i cant change you, although you say i have, so be yourself, transpire into the worman that will be.

your the best!

tiny dancer in my headddd!

acceptance

ever had a game you can not beat? you cant out think the game, your reactions arent fast enough, your emotions over ride your thoughts, frustration seeps in, quitting is nearing, you throw the game down and walk away angry that you cant beat the game. accepting that you just can not beat the game.

talking to that girl you really like but it doesnt seem you are holding her attention very well, thinking what else to say to keep her eyes on you, seeing her eyes go to her phone or something outside, all you want is for her to want you as bad as you want her, trying to change to what she will like just to have her, seeing her slip away, seeing you become your normal self and seeing the friction grow between you two, seeing her do things you dont like, knowing you cant change her or have her, wanting to be with her 24/7, seeing her kiss other boys around town, seeing her walk away and you getting mad because you cant have her. accepting that you arent good enough for her and you never will be and that you just dont have what she wants... that sucks because you want her so bad, yet you arent what she wants.

seeing your friend have an intrest in something that you dont think is who they are, they talk about it or do it and you get dissapointed in them because you thought they wernt like that. looking at them seeing their good girl/boy side and then talking to them when you cant see them and hearing them talk about what they want and what they dont want to do thinking that you didnt think they were like that, getting frustrated because you cant change them or dont have the power to. knowing they dont care what you say because you arent good enough friends yet. wanting to be there to make every decision they make to keep them pure and who you know them too be because who you think they are is the girl/boy you love to death. you want them to stay that guy/girl. accepting that you cant change someone to your specifications and just having to fake happiness when ever they talk to you about something you dont like.

seeing a cute boy in your class, trying to casually flirt without making him notice that you are trying to get to know him, trying to make him want to get to know you too, talking to his friends when he is not around to get information about him, talking to him first on myspace/facebook to not have the awkwardness of talking in personf or the first time, asking for his number hoping he doesnt reject you or say he has a girlfriend, not wanting to stop talking to him but all he ever does is end conversations, getting upset because he wont talk to you, having him talk to you finally only to ask for girl help, faking a smile so he wont see that you care so much about him, crying when he gets that girl you helped him with but not wanting to cry becaues you made him happy. accepting the fact that he doesnt want you like you want him and that you simply just do not hold a spark of intrest for him. accepting that he will never think of you that way no matter how much you help him or how nice you are too him, he just isnt what you want.

see her name on facebook as online, so you i.m her, she says hi back, and you slowly start a conversation, she starts having few word answers and leaves it at that, you having to replenish the conversation by asking a question to keep her intrested knowing that she already has lost intrest long ago, you continue to ask annoying questions that are just digging the hole deeper. seeing her response time lengthen and then she just doesnt write back so you put a ? so tthat hopefully she will see it and write back because you think that she just "didnt see" that you wrote her. finally giving up after her responses only got worse and accepting the fact that shes just not that in to you...

getting call after call, text after text, wink after wink, seeing girls one after another tell you they like you and want to be with you, that try everything to be yours, to make you intrested in them, change themselves for you, having to deal with the fact that you dont want them, you want ONE girl, but your not good enough for her. seeing girl after wave crash against your unwaivering wall of rejection only to fall back down the ocean floor. they all say "dont forget me" but very few will i not forget. very few. accepting that i can be a life changer to some people, yet to others, i cant even dent the surface to their minds.

ecstasy

i dont know where you stand with anything. i find out once you have made your mind but i dont know the thoughts that must go through your mind when your debating which side to take charge of. but its over now, so what the hell do we do now? we wont let it go for nothing. i know sometimes its going to rain, bby can we make up because i cant sleep through the pain. baby i dont want to go to bed mad at you, and i dont want you to go to bed mad at me.

dissapointment

dissapointment is a feeling we all feel somewhere in our lives. it is inevitable. i believe dissapointment derives from getting your hopes up higher than that of the event taken place or higher than that of someone else. dissapointment is seems to be just weight on your shoulders, the more you have, the heavier it feels. maybe thats why my back has been hurting so bad lately.

you have been suprising me lately to no end. With your ever-changing feelings, your moodswings, your suprising attitudes. i was hoping you wouldnt have feelings for me. that seems impossible to come by now-a-days. i thought it would be easy if you didnt have feelings for me because it could have made your ongoing stay much more pleasant for the both of us. i told you i had feelings for you but in all honesty, i dont know where my feelings stand right now.. for anyone. everything changes by the hour. no joke. kind of like your attitude. one minute your in love with me and cant stop talking to me, the next your saying how you dont like the thought of me and that you could be better off without me. im sure you would be.... so go?

you have been suprising me lately to no end. also, with your ever-changing feelings, your rude gestures, your lack of attention towards someone who couldnt show you more. it seems over the recent conversations, you have gotten more hostile towards me. why that is, maybe we dont mesh, we usually get along better than anyone, but that seems to only be in person. if you dont like who i am, dont talk to me. your day might be better off without me. im sure it would be..... so go?

you have been suprising me lately to no end. your resilient feelings that refuse to waver through rough patches. you want me to be with you so bad. you told me last night how much you wanted me to be yours and no one elses but you cant have that. well i am going to relieve you from your stress. its not going to happen. not now. i love you as i say i do but i can not have mixed feelings about a relationship. when im with you i think that icouldnt be with a better girl, but when imnot with you, those feelings which were so abundant in your presense (spelled wrong), are so indangered when i am not. this does not mean our friendship is over, this just means youll be mad at me for a little bit. best friends we remain. your life might be way better off without me. im sure it would be... please dont go?

dissapointment seems to be getting me in trouble lately. i get my hopes way too high only to have them be brought down. people wonder why i just end up not caring anymore. there is very few things in my life at the moment to get my hopes high for.... besides the colts winning the superbowl.

ive learned to set the bar low.... very low that way if you get dissapointed, it cant be too far of a fall.

crying

you made me cry today. twice. once in class ugh. and once when i got home. i havent cried so emotionally from you before. im crying right now for the third time. i dont think i have ever wanted to hug you as much as i do now. i just called your house but your mom said you wernt there.... thats a first. where did you go?

it kills me when you say "dont you worry about hurting me william." i have fought emotionally tooth and nail to not hurt you. i cheerish you to no extent. i love you to the ends of the earth. i would give anything for you in a heart beat and you know that. you shouldnt be the one holding me up. thats my job, i have to hold you up. i must be the one to put forth the effort. its like you have grown so weak from me that you can not swim anymore. although i am not at my emotional peak, i need to hold you up. thats what i do, damn it chloe. let me do what i need to do. dont take the role that i must fullfill. its making me so angry. i feel like a father who can not support his family. a mother who can not help your child. you are my best, best best best friend. my very best friend that i have ever grown to know, and i will protect you, and guard you, and keep you on the right path no matter what happens. i am not so sure of this anymore i hope you know. what you wrote hit like a pile of bricks. you can not turn into me once more. you can not hide your emotions and fake anything. that is not who you are. i find myself not knowing how to mold you, or what advice to give. everything i tell you you should do, turns out to not be good and i wish it could go back to normal. i feel like things are ripping at the seams and now its tumblin down hard. its so true, no one is going to love you more than i do. you said you wanted this if it made us happy, ugh i just dont know. i do need to talk to you asap so call me. "anything to make you smile." thats a line that a week ago, i would tell you, and then i wouldnt follow through with it, but ive never meant it so much as i do now. "you are the ever living ghost of what once was." you have happiness inside you i know it because i see you, i see straight through you. i see the dark blue, coldness on the outside, and a hint of firey red in your core. you have it in you chloe. let me help you? i do feel obligated, not because i hurt you, but because no one is going to love you more than i do. never believe someone if they say that they love you more than anyone because they are full of shittt. im going to write you a note, and the sole purpose is to make you cry. so be ready. i hope what ever you are doing, you are having fun with it.
i love you,
William James

pooping

i had to poop in the bushes. few people know this, but if i eat alot of gummy worms it upsets my stomach and today when i took my walk i had a whole bucket of them.... welll! i had to go poop while i was on tapo St. and so i couldnt get to a shop because it was comming too fast, so i kinda sneaked into the bushes and hid behind 3 bushes to poop.... yup best part of the day.

snow patrol

chasing cars- snow patrol
we'll do it all, everything, on our own.
we dont need, anything, or anyone.
if i lay here, if i just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world.
i dont quite know, how to say, how i feel.......
those three words, are said too much, but not enough
if i lay here, if i just lay here, would you ie with me and just foget the world
forget what we are told, before we get too old. show me your garden, thats bursting into life.
lets waste time, chasing cars, around our heads.. bing
if i lay here, if i just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world.
forget what we are told before we get too old, show me your garden thats bursting into life.
all that i am! all that ever was! is here in your perfect eyes, they're all i can see
i dont know where, confused about how as well,
just know that these things will never change for us at all
if i lay here! if i just lay here! would you lie with me and just forget the world?

trails

i would say i care, but i dont think i do. you have always wanted me as a boyfriend and you wouldnt be happy with anything else. well, i have always wanted you as a friend and i would be happy. so i guess what im saying is go hike your trail, we will be side by side but on 2 different trails. i know we will remain friends, best friends that is, unless you have something else to say or you just get sick of it down the road. but what im saying is that im happy with you as long as you are in my life. i dont ask you for much ever, just to be in my life.

philosophical point of view

i wish i didnt care so much. that should be my name. everyone should know me as that cause its true.
i just want to not care about anything and then if shit happens then it happens, if it doesnt then who cares? not me!

TODAY SUCKED!!! thats all i can say for today was that it sucked. although, i let one more person know not to touch me like that.
often times i wonder who will make me blow up. who will honestly make me explode. sometimes i worry because i think that when i do, i will be harmfull and dangerous and vicious. who ever it is will wish they hadn't.

my mom just told me that my dad said that he is going to be leaving. do i believe him? no, because he lies all the time and is not honest about anything. it will be good though. now my mom can be solo and happy and kev can go off and do his own thing. its not like he hasnt already detached himself from this family anyway. the only problem with this is that im not strong enough to be the man of the house. i dont think im in the right mental state to be the man of the house. i have had to do it before when i was 14 for a year and then i did what was needed and necessairy for this household to work. but i am alot different now than i was when i was 14. yes i am alot stronger and bigger, but my mental state is uncomparable. im not stable. is it because i dont have a love life? i find myself wishing for just a love life that works. i just want a girlfriend but no girlfriends (that i want) want me. i swear, as soon as a girl tells me they want me like i want them, shit be rollin. im done with this waiting and looking. i was so much stabler when i had a girlfriend and a companion. its a rare thing for me to find. alot of girls dont mind hooking up or telling me im cute but few dare to go beyond that point of saftey. why am i not worth the risk? i take plenty of risks for girls. i have liked hooking up for the past 6 months, but now its time that i really want a relationship again. i want that security, those arms to go to and without even saying a word, she knows what is wrong. but will that happen soon? nahhh! never does for me. ever. the one girl, yes im talking about her, i feel wants the same thing i want but just not with me. which is cool ill get over it, i dont want to, but i will.
wanna know whats weird lately? usually im a really sexual person, but sex isnt even good to me, if feels good in the action, but it doesnt appeal to me. its kinda like a burden. like "ugh i have to get up to go have sex ugh" its w.e
ya know what i hate? the fact that i will allways hold my friends up ALWAYS! its so cliche to have people say that im here to talk to you when you need. but i really dont lie, i dont care if im in the worst mental state of my life, i will hold you up with everything i have and keep your head above water, even if im drowning undeath you. thats how i am. i will sacerfice (spelled wrong) myself for my friends any day.
sometimes i used to think this back when i was in juniorhigh: a man would walk on to the campus with guns up and down his body, and he came to the room i was in and said i have to kill one person in this room. i always pictured myself being the first one to step up to the barrel. why am i accepting of death? do i want to die? is me dieing like killing 2 birds with one stone? i could get away from all the problems of the world and i could save the other people in the class. people dont like when i talk about me dieing probally because they think its bad luck, they would be supprised at how relaxed i am towards death.

as my mother is doing with her money, i am going to try to cut back on bad things in my life so if you see yourself fading from my life...... theres a reason for that. i feel that no one is exempt from this cut. ive even thought about cutting zech if he turns out to be a bad influence or isnt making me happy, and for me to even think about cutting zech says alot aboy my seriousness towards this.

"william are you ok" my mother asks
"im ok!" i respond while knowing that im lieing 100% of the time.
"are you sure? you seem upset" she asks worried
yes mom im fine dont worry" i reply wishing that i could learn how to let this all out

im holding so much in. i feel like a stormy sea and all i want is someone to come calm me. although there will be alot of stuff held inside me, she can calm me and make me happy. i dont feel comfortable around many people anymore. i dont feel like a person... wow its no wonder no one wants to be with me. im a wreck and a piece of good looking shit. what do i have to say for myself now? who would take me now? ..... thought so.

well, my life is not hard. it is merely harder than other times in my life.

TOO MUCH

im starting to think of you too much
im starting to talk to you way too late and way too much.
im writing about you too much.
im looking for you way too much.
i care way too much
i worry way too much
i play way too far ahead just to see you.

im not done with this, ill add on to it as the days go by

i dont understand you

i dont understand you. the more we talk the more i want to get closer with you yet the more we talk the more i dont understand you. its like you dont care about me what so ever sometimes. i think we just should talk more in person because this never happens in person. i cant wait for this weekend... ugh its only tuesday, almost wednesday and it feels like friday. this week SUCKSSSSSS yo.

come home-one republic

now i hate when people post lyrics but when you have a song that fits perfectly, its nice to just put the song up because it describes everything. now this song can perfectly explain how someone special to me feels about me. it is also a feeling i have toward that person

[Verse 1]
Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oh

[Verse 2]
I get lost in the beauty
Of everything i see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeahh
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Oh

[Interlude]
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
So hear this now

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Come home

but you do not wish to, you wish to leave and walk away from your best friend. its on you now. im no longer in control you are. this is what you have always wanted. take control girl and go in the right direction, you have the stars and your heart to guide you now.

as long as there is a star in the sky, i will love you.
William James

randomness

im going to shove alot of stuff into this about different things and people.
you cant treat me like this. sorry i didnt do it. i really wanted to go tonight, i even looked up on a map where it is. it was nice seeing you tonight. to see you so sad and insecure it seemed really sucks and i dont like it. i was so nervous to drive up to the place... you dont even know! and yes you do care. is this how you always are when your in this mood? i think its cool how all 3 of us have jammed our fingers onto our keyboards tonight showing our emotions on this crappy little website that we all consider home. i think its funny that she wants to meet me when she has a boyfriend. i think i underestimated my feelings. i think she did too. she wants to read my writings.... is that weird? some of me wants it to happen so bad, i want to just ask and let what ever happens happen but at the same time i dont because i think i might be making a wrong move. you called me out but you stayed in side. the one you love you shot me down. how could you? does anyone know what song that is? for some reason those lines have meant so much to me and its so true how that works. is this girl expecting to be just a piece of ass because up to now, thats all shes shown me and thats really not what i want anymore. i want to be with you right now. i want todrive to your house and park where its really hard to park just because i know im close to you. i feel so bad for getting your hopes up. i had to be honest with myself though. just dont plan on me doing it ok? and for the reasons i gave you. i really want to see dear john. i think im going to miss her on friday when she is off with her friend doing things that i cant see but i have to trust her and hope she is thinking about me. will she be with me at lunch? i hope she will be texting me like always. does this mean that what we had is no longer? did i mess up again? i have horrible luck with girls.... terrible. eaither its me or its them. why cant i find one that is equal from both sides. i thought i had but after tonight its not looking to be so. after tonight you can talk to him, i HONESTLY dont care anymore. go be with him honestly. HONESTLY go be with him... wait, honestly? yes honestly.. wait will honestly? ... come on. wait honestly like HONESTLY? YES HONESTLY!!!!! AHHHH yes honestly. i think i want her. but i dont know what to do... story of my life. i think im going to end it here.

PS: im am going to be like her and steal things from you. i am offically stealing the "what kind of bees make milk?" joke k? hope you dont mind

change

no i am not trying to change you. really im not!

hostility

im not trying to change you! i love who you are! why are you being so hostile towards me? i guessi got what i asked for huh. i always wanted to see other sides of you.

MORGAN

morgan, please answer your phone or call me!!!!!!

trash

when you have a piece of trash you throw it away right? why can i throw this trash away?

tug-o-war

we are pulling eachother farther appart. farther and farther we go away from eachother changing from what the other person is used too. we dont have our friendship anymore. we are being pulled appart from eachother and some of me is ok with that. i alway ssay let things take their course. we arent telling eachother everything as we found out today and that sucks for both of us. you say we should go down our own trail and if they end up together (which they wont) then great but if they dont, then we have made our own decision and thats what happens. i added that last part in but it was implied in our conversation. i wish there was a way that i could essentially be with her in the future and you and i and her stil remain friends. thats what i really want, it wont happen, but i wish it could. when you tell me about the trevor things and what he tells you, it at first makes me think "well if im going to ask her out soon i better do it!" but then i start thinking about it and how it is something i want but its also not something i want to force, it will come in time if time allows. then i start getting weird and thinking that i should leave you to trevor and hopefully that works out because so far, he has made you happier than i am and all i have ever told you is anything for you to be happy, although i do everything but that.

we are moving appart and hopefully its an orbit that will take us back around to eachother but i really doubt that unless something changes. ya know go to him and ill forget about you. thats one of the options. i dont need it and apparently you two are really attracted to eachother so go for it.

leaks of sunshine

you have become these streams of sunshine on my day. you three, him him and her have become really what i look forward too everyday. my life has been so gloomy and cloudy and its those rare occasions where sunlight streams through the clouds to warm up the earth and all that are on it. it is those streams that let me keep on going. im so thank for for those bits of laughter and those conversations that make my day somewhat happy.

my life

my life...
has become a gloomy expierence with little reflections of light. my life has been consisting of faking and lieing and forcing. i have to fake a good mood when all are expecting me to be funny. i have to lie when people ask if im ok or why im so quiet or last night when my mom asked why i as screaming. i dont want to lie anymore. you ask why its so easy to lie to you, maybe because i do it 100's of times a day. and i have to force a smile, i have to force myself to get up when all i want to do is be by myself. i have to force an energetic out going attitude and i have to force myself to remain the guy that everyone knows me as. people can not know of my fluxuating moods. they would go crazy, they would get annoyed because there is so much change. i do think i am bipolar. i have been told that from past girlfriends and best friends and every day im noticing it more and more. i have no more real positive emotion anymore. nothing can make me happy... truely joyful. not singing because i just realize how shitty my voice is. not football because i realize how im not amazing at that eaither. im not even good at being myself. i dont know how to be myself anymore. what can i do right. i havent seen zech in 3 weeks so hopefully he will throw some life into this body of mine. i cant make my best friend happy because she wants me but i want someone else. i cant make my mom happy because she sees something is eating me up inside yet i cant tell her or dont know how. god damn, not even WOW makes me happy anymore. i cant even look at the game without geting an upset stomach. it seems as though, if nothing changes, for the most part i will continue on this dull ride.

these days are showing more and more the pattern they hide. its waking up and not finding any texts, its having to think that the reason i didnt get any texts from her is because shes texting him and isnt thinking about me, its going to school and seeing friends that dont make me happy, having to think if while she is texting me she is texting him, its seeing her at school and only thinking about if she has lied to me recently, going from class to class hoping something comes up. inside i feel like the guy that sits in the back of the corrner that puts his head down and doesnt talk to anyone.i just want to be alone sometimes.

unleash the beast

wow, its 7 07 and im already got the fire goin. this isnt good.