I WANT MY FRIEND BACK CHLOE!!!!

its looking like a limb torn off, or all together just taken apart. wheelin through an endless fall we are the ever living ghost of what once was. but no one is ever going to love you more than i doooooooo. no ones gonna love you more than i do.

this is so true. what we are now is just a torn off limb, only a piece of what we once were but something that can never grow to be how we were. we are wheelin through an endless fall... this will never stop will it?
anything to make you smile... we would both do anything to make the other person smile but lately all we have been doing is make eachother cry. like tonight, i have already cried twice and i know you have cried but i dont know how many times. i am crying right now because all i want is to make you smile.

i dont want you to talk to them. any of them, because they dont know how to handle you. they dont know the rules of the road. they dont know what bad traffic is yet. and i dont want them to ever know.

i want us to be happy again like we were. but i feel like we cant. i want you to be happy. thats all i want is for you to be happy. legitimately happy. i want my friend back. I WANT MY FRIEND BACK CHLOE. I WANT MY FRIEND BACK
!!!!!!!

what i think

im going to try and type this out before you do.
this is what i honestly think will happen

i think that you and i will stop being friends and if we are friend then it will be very bleak. i think her and i will not like eachother anymore because she is too scared to do anything more with what we would have had. i think your going to resort to whoreish attitudes due to the lack in male attention. your going to have to find new friends and that they might not be the best kind of friends for you.

i love you,
WIlliam James Beaumont

what you do to me

you make me want to seclude myself from everyone.
you make me want to die some times.
you make me want to lose my mind
you make me want to be with her to hurt you
you make me want to put cameras up in your room and your house and hack your cell phone and your ipod just so i can see how you talk to other people
you make me want to forget you
you make me want to get away from you
you make me want to punch holes in my wall, punch my bed and my chair
you make me want to cry
you make me want to leave you to yourself
you make me want to pool people in to be your friends so the pressure can be lifted off of me
you make me want to not talk to you at all
you make me want her more
you make the time spent with you scary
you make me want to unleash you to true lonliness (spelt that wrong)
you make me want to get to know you from another guys point of view because im sure it would be way different than the view i am given
you make me lose intrest in you
you make me miss the times when you had braces

im going to go back to a thought i had january 5th.... so on january 5th, you got your braces off, well that whole day i was hoping things wouldnt change like they had changed for my ex girlfriend debbie. she got her braces off in the middle of our relationship and after that she just wansnt the same. its funny now to look back to january 5th and see how right i was. i keep looking at the picture i have of us thinking that that is the only thing i have to remember our good friendship because the friendship we have now is crap.

you make me want to say i love you, then call it quits.
you make me want to cry one more time
you make me want her more
you make me want to beat up any guys you talk too, and i promise, the two im thinking about id have no problem doing so.
you make me want to return to my player stage
you make me want to hug you when i see you some times
you make me want to write an angry letter to your mom and not have her know its me
you make me want to cry for the third time
you make me want to write a book how to not be a friend
you make me want to write a book on how to be a good friend.
you make me want to stop writing.
you make me.. you give me so many things to write about.

,
William Otto Beaumont

moom

shitty tits!!!! i have to leave soon. actually i have to leave in 2 minutes. thank you mom!

awesome day today for sure!!!!!

i am loving this. today went great for me. i was able to sleep in, hang out with one of my best friends, and listen to new cool SSX snowboarding female sounds, i got my nails painted and i had a huge steak to eat for dinner. although all these good things happened, i did get jipped at taco bell... the dude that i thought i knew didnt give me my drink!!!!!!! how lame, and then i figured that i would waste more money in gass driving there to get the drink then the drink was actually worth. i am now chillin in a sweet room with a california driver hand book 2009 while listening to a weird girl yell some stuff. tongiht has been great. i loved today and all it gave. we need more days like this dont you agree?

that would be the day

i think i have figured out why im not the same towards this. and its because im not dealing with the same person. you have changed in MANY ways. honestly, if i could just go back to november or december.... that would be the day.

dirty vagina

well, as always, as i swore you wouldnt do, you pursued and won. you changed my mood enough to make me in a fine mood. i dont know how you were able to do that but as the song goes "she doesnt get your humor like i do." i hate that you so easily were able to change it. what i told you today still stands. all of it, even the part about us not being friend. i still dont know what im going to do but it is all staying in my mind and i guess ill make up my decision in time. i want to just try and work things out but like i said, i can not stand this friendship right now. i can not write right now because you and trevor are distracting me with the guitar. well, it sucks my plans didnt go through tonight, i was really looking forward to it. i wish that tomorrow would be fun. i think im still going to dance with morgan but i think im going to have a new respect for chloe after tonight. i just hope she doesnt ruin the night for both morgan and i. i just want tomorrow to be fun. im really looking forward to going to the helipad again, i think it would be alot of fun this time we have to bring a soccerball because morgan doesnt have any footbALLS. well i hope you all have a good night.

dont fucking care!

i dont fuckin care if it affected you in any way. just know what i was thinking. scof, cry, laugh, praise, i dont care. i dont fucking care anymore. im on the edge and i might jsut fall over

FUCKIN BULLSHIT!

every FUCKIN DAY we go through this bullshit. this useless garbage bullshit! right now i hate you but as always ill get over it. this is the first time its effected me.
fuckin bullshit fuckin bullshit. fuckin anger. i hate this, i hate the thought of you right now. it has never touched me like this. god, if the other fights that didnt effect me and they pushed me away smidget, you wouldnt believe what this one is doing.
maybe its just a release of all the built up pressure.

you blew it off but im trying to push you to do something that i really dont want to do. i picture it as a parent bird pushing its little chickling out of the nest, not because he/she wants to, but because its what you have to do. it breaks their heart the more they push but it is needed.

no i dont have sams number, i said i did to see if you had the gal to ask ME for it. i wouldnt give it to you if you were dating him. go suck face with sam once more. you talk about it so much so go do it. fuck, no more kissing you apprently, you have your hands full with kissing from now on. WAY TO FUCKING LIGHT MY FUSE!

I HATE YOU! i cant stand you. i dont even want to think about you right now. im glad im going to hang out with her!!!!!

i hope he is a better kisser than me because he will be the only one kissing you any time soon, unless you decide to put that name used to descirbe you recently to use. i fuckin hate tthis bullshit! thats the perfect word for the past 30 minutes, bullshit. bull fuckin shit

generations

if any of the puncuation is wrong, or spelling ugh, its because my copy and paste dicked it up, lame. its called generations. it sucks but it was fun


excitement in painting your life on a plate, please little baby dont draw those lines so straight, let those old feathers wash, and the new ones expand, go as high as the sky will allow you to fly cause if you come down you will be sure to die, do not run and do not hide, let your eyes not be narrowed to what they want us to be, show them what today and forget them in yesterday, your on stage now, make us proud, dont let us down, we will lift you up to show what we got, to take us down they never knew what they should have brought, blow after blow they all droped and didnt make a sound, all we could hear was our own peoples roar higher and higher they wanted to soar! explore explore they once said, explore explore is what we must do, discover all of our lands and all our shores dont be bitter dont be hasteful, run your course with no remorse, dont be narrowed by what we were but widen yourself to what we can be, embrace the new, disreguard the past, dont be narrowed to what we were, widen yourself to what we can be, dont be narrowed to what we were, widen yourself to what we can be, let it be, let it be,tomorrow is a new day and you will seethat they will forget as we once didthey shall bid us farewell as they transgress upon new minds they will make complete what we made undone let it be, let it be once again, they have won

chloe

ya know, i got alot of things from you i took for grantid? granit? granted? i think its granted. well i took alot of things for granted and i want you to know what a few of those were. these are things that as it seems, i cant fine many other places.
-devotion
-the fact that if i tell you about something intresting, you go look at it asap just to be on the same page or to express your thoughts
-you always showed me you wanted to talk to me
-you showed me your emotional side and wernt afraid to tell me anything no matter what it was
-you wanted to show me that you would be there.
-you made plans with me, not me make plans with you.
-you CARED ABOUT ME!!! which i loved
-you would not make conversations awkward by not talking for 5+ minutes.
-you would make an awkward situation unawkward just by being yourself. why do other people have to just say haha or ask whats up for the 5th time in 10 minutes?
-again, you just cared.
thank you for doing all these things.
much thanks,
Willy Billy

back of books?

your like the back of a book ya know where you can get a glimpse into what the book intails. it is not as intresting but it pulls you in a bit. one can only read the back of a book so many times until they get bored. open up and let me read. please

flip flopped

everything is different now. my perception on you, my levels of affection and remorse. its like the whole world just got flipped right up side down and id like to take a minute just sit right there to tell you how i became.... ill stop there. i hope this isnt true. im so scared, i cried after we got off the phone. i balled. im worried it seems for my life. i love you, you know that. i dont want this and of course neighter do you. =[ what are we going to do.

last time

man we were off to such a good start then i had to dick up some words and it screwed it all up, im going to say this one more time and thats it

we are friends. there is a possibility of feelings if situations were different but that is not an option for us. i will not stop doing something that is NOT wrong with a friend. its just simply being in a friendship, its what you do. its what we do. i have never changed a friendship because someone thought it would suit them better. ive been thinking for the past 2 days non stop about what a solution would be and each time i keep thinking "well im not going to stop being her friend" and its true because i wont, not just because its her, but that is just how i am with every friendship. yes im thinking about myself here.

this attitude can not continue for you know what may come of it. im going to have to go with the third option here, it sounds ridiclous but i think its the best one.

post #98

i would give anything to have you back as it was a few months ago. ANYTHING. but i have to do it before its too late because the clifside is nearing and after that our friendship is shot

dick

DONT BE SUCH A DICK. YOU ARE SUCH A JERK!!!!!!!!!! I HATE IT SOMETIMES. you are the most drama i have ever had to deal with! jk kinda

friendship

you asked me once, why can i just walk away from you. well the answer to that is simply that i am accepting to the fact that we wont be friends for ever and then eventually we will fade away from eachother. all good things end and i simply dont care when, that is of course until miss you but in all honesty, i will get over it, you will get over it eventually so why threaten leaving eachother. its going to happen some day. if it will happen some day then we dont need to argue about it lets just be happy we get to spend time together while our friendship is still living.
let it be let it be

humbility

humbility-
1.not proud or arrogant; modest: to be humble although successful.
2.having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience, etc.: In the presence of so many world-famous writers I felt very humble.
3.low in rank, importance, status, quality, etc.; lowly: of humble origin; a humble home.
4.courteously respectful: In my humble opinion you are wrong.
5.low in height, level, etc.; small in size: a humble member of the galaxy.

humbility is something i lack greatly. i dont like who i am anymore. im not the boy i am at heart. i want to show people who i really am. i dont want to be the boy out on stage with the light on him that has to fake everything to impress the croud. i would like to be who i have always been until this year and that is a guy in the backround that is not boastful or arrogant but one you can always count on. i want to be the guy that doesnt have all the girls around him. i want to be the guy that people just know they can trust.
man, there was so much more to write about when i was thinking about it.
i just want to be humble, so i am going on a quest to change who i am to who i want to be. its not as easy as it sounds but i can make it happen i just have to think about it everyday.

well i found out that humbility is not an actual word, but you all know what i meant

second

dont you think for one second you will win at this.

o golly

first off. on friday when i said i couldnt come over, that was not because morgan couldnt. it just happened to be my timing in telling you. i asked my mom as we left simi high and she said no. then we got home, she laid down to take a nap and i wrote a note, took the keys and left.

secondly, i do not understand how you feel. purely because ive never had this happen to me. but i think the reason you are the one expierencing such an abundance of these feelings is because you hold specific qualities that enable you to have these feelings. you have major jelously feelings (not problems) that make you jealous when it wouldnt make other people jealous.

thirdly, neither i nor morgan want you to feel left out. im sure morgan tells you this too, "go find more friends, not replacements for us, just more friends." well i still stand by that.

i have only had to work for 1 friendship ever, thats because if the friendship is not easy then i walk away. i have that kind of mentality towards things. i sopose i will start to "work" at this friendship. although i want to work at it, i dont know how. if your thinking "dont go hang out with my friends" well then i dont want you to hang out with my friends eaither (morgan).... would that make sense? not really. then you might say, well ive known morgan longer, or if it wasnt for me than you and morgan would have never met eachother. when it all comes down to it, we are all friends, all alike.

loyalty

loyalty-
1.the state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations.
2.faithful adherence to a sovereign, government, leader, cause, etc.
3.an example or instance of faithfulness, adherence, or the like: a man with fierce loyalties.

Loyalty is not a quality i have at some moments. given some circumstances, i will have no problems doing something others think is unjust because, in my mind, it is totally ok to do that. you were right, dont often think of others when moments like this arise. my mind is totally focused on myself and what i think is right. maybe this is a quality i should learn because it seems that my lack of it is hurting alot of people.

trying

i am trying again.
i am trying to do something that can not happen. now this time, it is not because i can not make the effort, it is thus far, the other way around. i understand this blockade that must be put up to stop me from blowing through, its just that which makes me uneasy. i just wish it could be a story of two people, not what the story is now. there i go again, trying.... i want to stop trying and just give up.

hi

its more than just your head and your heart
its: heart< head and him

allowing

that is exactly what i said a couple days ago. we have to gain a new friendship. we can not continue to grow if we are dieing faster than we are growing. we must completly die and start over. leave this old frienship and all its memories behind and start over. we can do it with determination.
AND, i felt that this was needed. you said that we can not be in a relationship because i wont allow it. well we can not be friends because you wont allow that eaither.

frankly

ya know, i can see that you trying to be just friends... you have made that very apparent. but maybe you dont know how... i dont know but what your doing is just mean and rude and uncalled for. if you dont know how to just be friends, tell me! because frankly, i dont eaither

no skill

this blog is long overdue but who cares.
this subject/subjects will remain annonomys so dont try to ask me what they are.

people think this is a joke to me. low and behold do they know how much i think about this day in and day out. i want this so bad but i am not nearly skilled enough in this department to attempt fullfilling my dream(s).
why does this have to be so competitive. i wish i could do it. i want it more than alot of people i just dont have the skill to do it.

how do you say.... ehhhhh....

how do you say... ehhhhh...
it is becomming apparent to me that i need to leave this thing alone. it only leads to danger but it is so inticing. i dont know why but when i get my hands on it, i have the best time of my life. i want to do it over and over again but i know the more i do it the greater chance i have of being cought and getting in major trouble. no one can no but me and my drug. it doesnt even know how much i like it.
WHAT!!!! how could i be so addicted to it. surely it does not like me as much as i like it. that would be ridiclous and way off limits.
this needs to be stopped.
should i go to rehab for this problem of mine that only 2 people know about?
i think ill just go into mental rehab for a little bit and tell myself how bad it is..... yea....

they are like movies...

they are like movies...
they advertise themselves only to draw you in. they try to get as many viewers as possible. some of them advertise more than other but you always go see them if they look good. very impressive ones come around every now and then but often times they are only good enough for one showing. RARELY and very rarely will a movie touch you in such a way that draws you in. for ever, you can watch it over and over again and no grow weary. they are your loved ones.
they are like girls...

addiction #1

i cant break this addiction
you break me down every noise you make
you will never let go me because you wont let go of the family
why cant i break you?
why do you always have to be there when i get home, when i walk up the stairs, when i talk to YOU?
you have consumed him
i do not want to meet you again, so i stray away from the man you have engulfed.
you are ripping the roots up from this tree that is gasping to survive.
you are ruining forests of trees just like my own. why are you so destructive yet so fullfilling?
i had my taste of you and man it was sweet, but it consumed yet another boy, taunting him everytime he walks into his room. no one can understand THIS addiction unless they have had it themselves.
i am trying to let go of you. i erased you, i stopped your consumption on my life, yet there will still be a piece of you there as long as you still have him.
to get rid of you i need to get rid of him, and him, and him, and them!

why

this is weird... you told me bout blogspot, you used to dominate me on the number of posts you wrote, now im writing 200 times more than you... why?

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stop it

what pushes me away? your emotional bull shit? i make you feel like shit by telling you the truth? come on. i dont know what else to do. i just cant put up with this emotional rollercoaster. "yea well the truth hurts." so deal with it. please, for what ever reason, the world selfpity comes to mind when your like this. stop thinking you can just not have dissapointment. it happens, its there, some of us handle it better than others. im sorry if this is mean, but "some time my frustration turns into anger."

ahhh

im happy you would wait. thank you for that consideration. i love that. call me

-i have to go.
-alrighty then, good night
-goodnight
-i love you
-i love you too
-sweet dreams....
-click!
-DICK!!!!

CALL ME!

call me!

im going to try and simplify friendship down into writing.

her and i.... well, we get along as friends do. suprise eachother as friends do. nothing more. i tried to explain this to you before but its like we are our own circle. its like a 3 circle venn diagram. we are all seperate, yet we share space with every other circle. in our case, the space shared is not equal. by that i mean that the space shared between you and her is alot greater than the space shared by her and i. although the space you share with the both of us is equal. i am trying to get a picture of it that i customized but its not working very well, hopefully ill have it up soon. i just want you to know that no one is taking anyone away from anyone. this might not help, but i would put 150$ on it that if you tell her to stop talking to me, she would in a heart beat. by all means do you still have the upperhand in this. so why dont you tell her not to talk to me? go for it. i would like to see what the out come is. that is not a taunt at all i hope you see. i love you chloe, i would not take another safe haven away from you, not again. PLEASE CALL ME!!!!!!!!

r

ill make your day tomorrow

curbs suck

today was intresting. it showed me alot. not about YOU, but about myself. i hope you know i was planning on asking you out today. i was so sure. but i knew in the back of my mind that i had some second thoughts. and second thoughts on any commitment is never good. i drove home alone after dropping you off at your house and i couldnt come to grips of asking you out. i kept on second guessing it. i will not ask you out unless im sure. ugh i just dont know, i was so certain and then BAM, i lost track of where i was. i dont know if i will be able to get back to where i was.

OR, maybe i never knew where i was, i was just blinding myself from reality, or hiding my second thoughts. i do not know what my second thoughts are so dont ask. its just not 100% yet. im sorry, but that deadline, i dont know if it will be met. i hate this, more than i hate running into the curb =[

daddy

it strikes me sometimes, the ammount of thought i spend trying to perfect my immature fatherly instinct. i constantly think about the kind of father im going to be, what my children will be like, my job, my intrests. i would love to say that all this thought will eventually pay off, but only time can tell me that. im so excited to be a father, yet so scared to fail. will i be the father my kids need? i have about 10-14 years until i am a father. that is crazy. it seems almost mechanical that i become a father. its almost a "well ill have kids around this time", it is so definate it seems so already determined....

singing

anyone that has heard me sing thinks that singing is just a joke for me. people would be suprised how much i wish i could sing good ahhh! it sucks. =/ its kinda serious for me.

i feel bad for you

if your going to start reading my posts, i feel bad for you because its ALOT of reading. good luck. hopefully youll enjoy!

im just going to write about you

we flirted at the football game while you had a boyfriend! what a terrible way to start off a friendship. then your friends didnt help at all by yelling at me haha. i am finding that the more we have our serious talks that we agree on more and more things. you are the person i go to when i need an unbias honest opinion. you are the person that is able to some how get me to listen to you and do what you think is right, even if it is a very serious subject. your so good to me even though i dont deserve it. you are the person that keeps me up at night when everyone else falls asleep. you allow me to be honest with myself while talking to you. i think its great that you have a "kind of" boyfriend, because it puts a barrier up that i wont go past =]. i wonder if you will like my singing? you wont be able to hear it any time soon because im too nervous while singing infront of people. what keeps pulling us back together? we talk and then we stop, then we talk for a day then stop for 2 months, then talk again, then stop cause i lose your number, then we talk again..... what the hell? haha. your a fabulous person that i love talking too. thanks for listening to me blabber on. it really helps!

Thank you,

William James Beaumont

here is one thing that does bugg me about you though. when you try to tell me when something is wrong or right, you never give me room to think, its your way or the highway.

some (ALOT!) things i want to do in my life time

-i want to be a father if a well diciplined fun, loving family. kind of like the relationship that i have with my mother, but with a family.

-be successful in anything i persue.

-i want to have someone tell me that they seriously enjoyed my singing =]

-i want to prove Kevin wrong on something =] def...

-i want to be a better speller than i am now. god its horrible

-i want to go to college to make my family proud!

-i want to....if there is anyone in the world that i want to make proud it would be my mom. i want to show her that she didnt mess up with me and that i love her more than she knows.

-i want to make my dad regret not being involved in my life

-i want so see my dad cry because that is one thing ive never seen him do

-i want to have my son/daughter excell in athletics

-i want to live somewhere that is not in california.

-i want to have a "white"christmas

- i want to look at someone (most likely my children) and be uplifted by pride.

-i want to never get a divorce to show my family that its possible <3

-i want to play college sports.

-i want to fly my very own plane

-i want to learn how to sign high notes because we all know that that is the only thing preventing me from becomming the next american idol.

-i want to ditch school one day and go to the beach with friends. only one year left, lets do it!

-i want alix to know that i really do love her as i said i did.

-i want to say/write something that becomes a famous quote (ex. i have a dream, we are not retreating, we are just advancing in a different direction)

-i want to write a poem or novel that is read in universities because it is so complex =] some day

-i want to leave a lasting mark on people.

-i want to have a big funneral, not because my family invited so many people, but because people came to show their love and to show that they cared for me. ='[

-i want to find the words to some day tell danit why i am not into her like that =/

-i want to keep the same 3 best friends i have now for the rest of my life

-i want to be able to find 5 friends to be groomsmen. i want to have atleast that many friends. ha

-i want to adopt at least one child and have him/her think of me as their true dad

-i want to have brunch with the president, only if i like him/her though.

-i want to be invited to political events because they WANT me there. =] rawr

-i want to learn how to play the piano =] definatley

-i want to get my balls fixed =/ thats kind of serious and sarcastic at the same time lol

-i want to show my sister that she can be better than what she is if she just trys a little bit.

-i want to show her that i love her. and that she is my favorite sister.

-i want to find out who i reall am!

- i want to be part of a revolutionary protest =]

-i want to go to jail because of a public protest.... word

-i want to give my close friends and family a picture of me and write a note on the back of it, so that when they read it.. if they read it, they will know that i love them just like my REAL dad did (thank you kevin)

-i want to be the kind of guy that has a sexy accent =] rawr

-i want to maybe be in a porno ;)

-i want to go sky diving once a year with my best friend zech

-i want to own box tickets at my favorite sports events!

-i want to be the family that holds all the parties and birthdays and has all the kids on the block come over no matter if im wealthy or if im poor.

-i want to show my mom that there can be really good husbands out there.

-i want to be the husband my wife brags to her girlfriends about

-i want to be able to grow the courage to support my friends no matter what they decide to do.

-again, i want to make my mother proud of me. she already does, but i can excell more than she knows!

-MOST OF ALL, I WANT TO SHOW MYSELF THAT I HAVE BEEN WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED AND THAT I HAVE DONE MY BEST AND GIVEN IT MY ALL!

fucking flirtatious feelings

i need to stop. i am not the only one telling myself this (i cant change the font of the words, this is bugging me to no end) many people are telling me to stop and that it looks bad. i need to stop being so easy to flirt with. i dont like it at all. there needs to be a way of being professionally flirtatious, but still be off limits. i think i have found that way and that would be to stop being flirtatious with EVERYONE like i usually do. thats just who i am, i like making people smile and laugh, ha being myself must not be a good thing because it ruined my last relationship. im trying to stop every conversation i have ever since this idea dawned on me. with the "appointments" i have scheduled to hang out with girls, im looking at the completly different. i am not even thinking, "what if we hook up?" which is a usual thought before hanging out with someone. i want to change completly. this popular boy with good looks (i think) isnt who i am. i dont want to be the "easy" guy at all. i wish i could be the guy that girls think are kinda cute but keeps to himself, isnt weird, is in shape, but doesnt have alot of girl relationships. id like that. to have few but amazing relationships and friends. i think its intresting how when i was that not so attractive guy, the guy that didnt have alot of girls i wanted to be the popular guy with every girl in the world all over me and that was really cute. well now that i have gotten there, i wish i could just be a NORMAL guy. not even below normal, just normal guy, just another kinda cute guy.

the first thing that comes to mind is, "be careful what you wish for!" i bet that if i were ever to become the normal, kinda cute guy, i would miss the attention i have and wish i could be where i am now. this sucks.

maybe, this whole attention whore thing that i am/was, was just because i dont have the attention of my father. its so dumb and cliche that im blaming it on my dad because i HATE when people say that divorce effects them. i have blinded myself from the epicenter of the feelings for so long. i have unvailed it piece by piece as time has gone by. i am going to be a hypocrite with this, but i have a new outlook on it. i dont believe people should be able to just go around blaming their imperfections on their parents or boyfriends or anything but themselves aimlessly. i think that it is OK ONLY IF you have put time into thinking about your problem. i can not positivly say that it is my dads fault that i feel i have a lack of attention, but i think it is a possibility for sure. one thing that would make sense in my mind but im so against that to no end.

i will never know definatley, but i hope this is the mental abuse that happens to all highschool kids. i feel so different from everyone else. i feel like i dont agree with the.... proto call? proto que? cutoa call? i dont know the phrase, but i feel i dont belong with anyone else except for a few in highschool. why do i feel so different? my conversations with my parents are drastically different than that which i hear of from friends. my train of thought is different..... hell my THOUGHT are just eaither revolutionary for my age, or they are way out of wack. i cant tell which is the normal side to recede to. i feel like there is someone that is a psychopath in my brain writing down what i am to think. my thoughts are not suscidal, antisocial nothing like that, just different than what other people tell me they are thinking about. sometimes i feel in prison and i have no control over my thoughts. my thoughts are so powerful on me sometimes. i feel sometimes that if i think hard enough about a pencil infront of me, that i can lift it just with my thoughts. i want to be myself, but i dont know who i am. i feel that i left myself behind me on the road that i have long driven on. i wish there was an easy way to discovering myself again. it will come in due time.

Let it be, Let it be, Let it be,

Let it be, whisper words of wisdom,

Let it be!"

In future respect,

William James Beaumont

soggiorno forte por sempre e sempre

i will be laying this on you like i have done in the past. it will be in my control as all other expierences have been. you most likely wont like this, but as all other times, i must inform you.

now i want you to know that this is not a definate answer in any way. just my thoughts =]

i do not know what to do. i told you that by next thursday (a week and 4 days from now) i would have the answer to wether i would ask you out or not. i also told you that for the past couple weeks, my feelings in you have been increasing. well that is all true until the last three days.

the past three days have been.... intresting. thats a good word. intresting. see, i have hung out with you 2 of the 3 days and for the most part, our time together has gone rather well. well comming home from those occassions, i notice myself reminiscing on the night and im seeing myself as if it were a movie and my thoughts were captions. these expierences have been delightful for both of us, but i havent been doing as i should. see with this whole week and 4 day thing approaching, i should be hangingout with you and picturing you as my girlfriend to see if i think it could work. and what is have been doing is not much of that.

see, i was trying to do just that at the mall when i was with you and mo, and i couldnt. i couldnt grow the courage, faith, feelings, call it what you like, but i couldnt grow enough of it to continue that thought. you remained a friend to me in my eyes. my BEST friend at very least. this will most likely stab your heart as i have done many times in the past.

i want you to know that every day, every hour actually, i am thinking about you and i. constantly it haunts me and tortures me for an answer. well let me tell you, for the boy that will do anything no matter what you say, I AM SO SCARED. i am so scared to lose you. you say i wont, but you are always mortal.

i want to be with you for a few reasons. those being; if there is anyone that is perfect for me, it is only you, that it will revive your soul from the hell which i have tossed you into since i met you, and that it MIGHT work out.

i dont want to because i have yet to grow the feelings to convince myself that we should be together as stated above. because if we go out, and we work out for a while but then break up, im affraid that we are too close now that when we break up, it would be a tragic explosion that (if you picture you and i like a planet) would end all but little life on earth. it would be hard to come back from that and grow into where we are at now. because i feel alot more comfortable keeping you and i where we are now than venturing out to see what might be there. because i just dont know. i just do not know right now.

this is a suggestion that you gave to me. im not sure how much you actually want this to happen but this is what i THINK you said.

that we should go out and just see if it works and if eaither one of us doesnt feel comfortable with it than we can end it and just go back to friends. is that right?

well if it is, than i dont know what cloud you were on when you said that because that doesnt sound like something you would say.

"='( i cry every night about it. i love that girl as much as you do. i would give myself for that girl in a heart beat, but for what ever reason i cant make her happy." WJB in a conversation with a potential friend.

this is so cliche, but no matter what happens with us, wether we go out and we work out or we dont go out and you hate me for a couple weeks, i love you more than everyone else in the world minus 2 people. no one will be more faithful and gentle with you than i. i will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be there for you no matter how much you hate me. im a great listener (except lately ugh).

if we do not go out just remember this. "chloe dont cry i know, your trying your hardest and the hardest part is letting go of the nights we shared." the song does not fit this occasion but this line can be manipulated into a way that does.

if we do not go out, it will not be so i can continue flirting with girls or hooking up. i will be writing a blog about that after this. if you read that one before this, than you will already know.

i hope this answers any unanswered questions you had. if not, please by all means ask me. you know my favorite thing in the world is questions.

i love you more than you will ever know,

William James Beaumont

call this what you like

now, before you read this, this will seem like a drastic, dire problem of mine but it is not as serious as it is to be portrayed.

i hate this. i dont like this feeling of being in chains. why are you hold me back from discovering a new land? i understand what is going on with us and i understand your protectiveness over myself and your friend, but please do not prevent your friend and i from being friends. we both VERY well know and understand and definatley know that there will be no and can be no feelings flowing between us aside from being friends. that is one boundry we will only come close to in our seperate thoughts. i understand you do not like when i am too "friendly" with her, but being that those definate, unmoving boundries are set, i think it would be safe to say that i can go be good friends with her. i cant say that we are already great friends because that is a mutural thing like i told you, but we definatly get along great. we are just friends, i want you to know that.

wow this sounds like you think that we are more than friends. thats not what im trying to say. what i am trying to say is that no matter what happens with you and i, wether we go out or remain best friends, morgan will always be there with you. there would be no excaping her even if i wanted to. so her and i growing together is inevitable unless we purposly try not too. if there is any two people in the world that you can trust, you know that it is her and i. we will not hurt you together. she MAYBE will hurt you way down the line in the furture and i will hurt you soon judging by our past =] but WE will not hurt you and we have no intention of it. just dont be affraid for your two BEST friends to have a friendship of their own.
you say you dont like our little jokes that we have, but they are what make the friendship fun. it is that which shows me that you do not want us to be friends. i know you say otherwise.

who knows, maybe i can find out some dirty information about you

love,

william james beaumont

mo mo

i am sorry for what i said earlier. i didnt understand exactly what was going on besides he was just your dumb ex boyfriend. again i am sorry for what i said and i hope you hold no resentment against me.

psh, goodnight houston, sweet dreams, over psh

your movin on

you seem so enthusiastic about this. why?

p.e. Why it makes me in a bad mood?
i bitterly dislike him. i no longer smile at the thoughts of his jokes. i can stand his teeth, his hair, his height, his body, his voice. his presence obstructs my happiness. i am... jealous. to the deepest depths ive ventured before. that is why. i think about him and you and him some more all day long.

i will not try to pull you back to my safehaven or your thornbush. its in your hands now. i know myself and my reactions and as much as i know, i predict the worst for US. these predictions will be kept blank to the public and yourself. they are the taunting measures that people deal with daily.
my response to this all merely is, good luck to you my loved one. your presence has filled my heart with more joy than you have ever known but will soon expierence as your days grow older. you were the happiest girl before me, you were a emotional being with me around, and hopefully, nature will take its course and will replenish what remains from the rubble. the earthquake, fire, tsunami, and flood have passed. clear skys await and they are yours for the taking. i love you chloe. my mother, my sister, definatley my best friend, my partner, my secret keeper, my confidant, my joyous friend, my chloe, be yourself and let the world (not just simi) see the talent that springs from your thoughts. let people see your enthusiastic views. show people your embarrassing attributes that i love so much. be your best. i will visit you soon, dont wait for me.

with the greatest respect,
William James Beaumont

d

i am going to class so ill read yours later tonight. be honest as always

wts

d.g.a.f
is my initial reaction to that post. my real reaction is w.t.s. i love you too by the way. i know you are growing feelings for other people. its what puts me in bad moods after p.e. (if you havent noticed) i hate going to p.e now because of it. im not one to talk though, i realize that. but its the truth, that we all must embrace yet we all initiate ourselfs.
if something does grow of your thoughts for others, i hope it works out and they give you everything i couldnt. so 2 things pretty much. love (relationship sense) and a boyfriend. i will be devistated but i gotta stick to my guns and keep on truckin through. i cant tell you how much it hurts me just thinking about it. surely its nothing to what you have endured but its a significant ammount to me. our feelings are like a ocean tide. the tide comes in (your feelings) and the critters making nest on the shore will soon retreat (my feelings). then as your feelings subdue, the critters will make their way out on to the shore to get as close to the water as possible. hopefully one day our feelings will unite. i cant say for certain anymore wether that is a possibility. 5 days ago, i was certain the time would soon come. but not anymore. good luck to you chloe. i hope your dreams and necessities are fullfilled and you are once more, truely happy.
I love you,
William James Beaumont
w.t.s means wow this sucks

water wha

ill be honest here. im liking you more and more every day. but why would i do anything about it? its not needed. i know it sucks (for you) which i hate doing, but why would i do it? its like having the best of both worlds. i get you and everyone else.
thats me being completly honest. also, i lvoe you. you mean everything to me and i hope you know that we may be together one day. dont wait, dont avoid others, let the flow come your way if it may. dont change chloe. your an amazing girl.

mylife-billyjoel

i know, i refuse to conform to that of the normal guy. and i quote " DONT COMPARE ME TO OTHER PEOPLE!" i have shown you over and over again that i am not normal. physically ;) and phychologically. i will continue to show this too you. listen to the song my life- billy joel

period

i simply have not come to that conclusion yet. there is nothing i can do about that. i will not force feelings or force myself into doing something. i understand your point of view. i have heard it over and over again throughout these last few months. i simply WILL not force myself into doing something i do not 100% want to do. again, i wish i never made that a definate thing

Lord help me

this writing will intale three pieces put into one long work. they will be about very different people who hold very different places in my life. they all mean something to me. both of these girls held intrest in my heart. they held positions i didnt hand out, positions i dont under estimate.

first, Lauren!
What a gal! what a wonderful girl. makes my day every time i saw her. Low and behold to her, i had such strong feelings for her. one day while holding her while watching a movie, i whispered to her, "you really are amazing." also, unbenounced to her, i meant it. i thought we both were on the same page, the same road that would soon meet to make one. i truely thought.... in a matter of days, maybe weeks that we would be together. i was horribly wrong. i wish i had ignored that call of her's. on the otherhand, she called me. as always, i welcomed her with a "hello lauren!" she acted very... calm, collected, controlled. she said "can we talk for a minute?" the conversation carries on and she reveales to me that she has emense feelings for a guy named billy. a boy ive heard of in prior conversations, but one i never expected to be a threat in any way. she said she felt "guilty" after kissing me, that she was "using me" in some way. this could not be true i thought. how could two people with equal feelings use one another. she then said that in all honesty, im a only a friend to her, a mere friend... That ruined my day. there goes one of the two girls i was intrested in.

Megan,
See, the problem with megan, is purely her age. Not only her age because she will make sure you KNOW that she is 15, but her maturity level. I have told myself over and over again, no younger girls!!! they just screw me over time and time again. why put myself through that again. what a waste of time. see, i am way way way over the whole, romantic, courting, blushing stage. i want to find a girl that is available, knows what she wants, and will go for it. why is that so hard to come by? Megan is NOT available, she does NOT know a damn about what she wants, and EVEN if she DOES know what she wants, she WILL NOT reach a finger out to grab it! In all respect, i will come back to the fact that her maturity level is exactly where it should be.... with the people she communicates with daily. (which would be freshmen) i have always warned myself to stay away from freshmen on a relationship level, and as i said before, they always screw me over. now, this girl is not all bad what so ever. shes a GREAT girl. she is pretty, great height, has manners, loves her family, morals, flirtatious and has a wonderful sense of humor. she was the girl that i could not get. she was the girl that, no matter how much i wanted to see her, i had no control over the matter.


how could this be? not to toot my horn, or rattle my bells, but when can william not seduce and court any girl he pleases like he has done in the past? SINCE IT HAPPENS TO FAIL WITH EVERY GIRL HE WANTS! every damn girl that i have ANY intrest in fails to have intrest in i. but all these girls that i do not notice want to brag about how i hugged them, or smiled at them. why? im obviously not great enough tocourt a woman i, myself want. lord help me. i just want to find a girl that knows what she wants. and until then, all i can do is going from intresting girl to intresting girl. not saying that any of the listed females meant anything less than what was noted, simply implying that they are not the first, and will not be the last.

these last couple nights of mine have been lonely to say the least. i wake up to no textmessages in which i normally wake up to at least one. i dont have anyone to text during the day. i have no one to call at night. i did as megan to hang out, but not to my astonishment, she declined as always. no suprise there, just thought i would offer the gesture that is so rapidly running dry.

my mother always said that i should enjoy what i have (alot of girls wanting me) because some boys wish they could have just one day of it. WELL IT SUCKS! i would rather be the ugly loner with his girlfriend than myself with tons of girls that i dont want. want to know what else sucks? the fact that i STILL WANT THEM! if megan were to get her head on straight and figure out what she wants, then i would love to be there (that wont happen but if it does...) and if lauren decides that her billy boy doesnt work out, and that she actually would like a relationship then i would ask her the minute i found that out. i just dont get why this is so hard. im not unattractive as both girls have admitted to me, im not mean, im polite, and both parents love me. what is the issue here? again, must i say it, Lord help me.

by the way, i wanted to kiss you too

its time where i tell you EVERYTHING thats going on in my life. i will not lie, i will not dull the truth. here it goes

there are 3 girls that hold intrest in my life right now, one of which is my best friend (and i feel like im losing her every time we talk), another is a very young girl but has that edge that ive always wanted, and the other is a mature partner that i have a great time with.

girl 1. her name is chloe, she is my best friend. she is very protective and it gets on my nerves alot! i know her better than anyone else in the WHOLE GALAXY! (thats jsut what i think, there is only 2 other people that POSSIBLY kno her better than i) i love her, with all my heart. she is the girl that i want to just hang out with. ya know, just go swimming, or go watch a movie, or go to a game with and have no feelings being transfered between eachother ever. i want us to be like brother and sister till we die. i want her to be my best man at my wedding and i will be her best woman at hers (im not sure what the females thing is called)

girl 2. her name is megan miller. she is a fun fun girl. not physically for she has not done anything more than make out with someone. not that that is bad, just not my type. she has this sporty, unsexual kinkyness to her, she keeps me thinking. she drives me insane too. it blows my .... to think that i would even think about a freshmen like that, or even think of a girl like that that looks like her. she just looks young. and there are many problems to it. her parents LOVE me as a friend, but if anything turns out of it, they might not LOVE me so much. and they are very protective, and we go to different schools and live too far away. and shes WAY to busy. but she is really cute how she nudges me all the time. i love it

girl 3. the last but definatley not the least important. her name is lauren. shes mature, but she has these weird thoughts about having FIVE kids. how enviormentally unfriendly is that! that is just nonsense. and she doesnt want a "boyfriend" she wants a guy that shares feelings with her but they are exclusive, but NOT a boyfriend. i think shes almost perfect. its her minor imperfections that i love, but what if we begin being exclusive, and its not the same, then i lost a friend because even though we might want to be friends, after a relationship, it wont happen.
i really enjoy her, ALOT.

so there are the girls. i do believe that that is evverything you would want to know.
i love you
o and if EVERY girl is needed.
morgan is REALLY attractive and cute