still

it doesnt need to be written out, letter by letter, that this whole blog is about you. from the day i met you, till the day i felt i hit a new chapter. you dont know how much i love you. i always think aobut you. im constantly missing you. i always miss you. always wish i could kiss you. who knows, i might always miss you. i might always love you this much. and i might never be able to be with you. im not sure. i believe now more than ever that we will be together some day. dont wait for me though.

ya know im really glad i got to have this chapter... this new chapter. it gave me a chance to do alot of things. meet new people, have attractions for new people, realize that other people can make me happy, but not joyful. ya know, that type of happy where you could be happy the whole day... but it seems just very fragile. haha i know im a stonner, but im going to use this analogy. its like when you think you see a nice snap in the bowl, so you get excited and then you go to pack it down and you realize that its all just ash. its nice, but you realize its nothing like the real deal (you). i refuse to let these feelings disrupt kari and i. i refuse. i dont let it because, like i said, i am really happy. and no one, (besides you) has made me this way ina long time.

i do realize that this blog is one that you dont check as often, if ever. so, when youhappen to find this, let me know. just tell me that you read it.
i love you chloe.
still, after everything.

i am declaring that my work here is done

ill live

i like you. i enjoy being with you. i enjoy looking at you smile. i enjoy smiling with you. i like holding your hand that doesnt fit perfectly in mine. i like wrapping my arms arms around you when we are sitting on a couch. i love kissing you big cumfy lips ;). i love that i hate that i wait every second for you to reply. i hate that i feel like you only know part of me because i cant show you the other part. why cant i show you this side of me? the side of me that just wants to love and be cute and sweet? i just feel like you dont want that. i think that because of the signs you give me. unnoticed by you but documented by me, i take note of everything just trying to read you. its like youve seen a retracted side of me. i want to know what your thinkng. i want you to tell me what your thinking. i wanna tell you whats on my mind. what thoughts come to mind about you. i want to tell you how i feel about everything. i want you to ask me questions and make it seem like you want to get to know me more. cause thats all it seems i want to do with you. i think theres more to you than what your showing me. actually i know there is more. i just wish it was as easy for me to get out of you as it would be for you to get out of me.

i want to love someone again. its been far too long since ive felt love lingering in the air around me. i want to know that the person i say goodnight to will be the person to say goodmorning to me in the morning and mornings following. after listening to your sister tonight talk about her and her boyfriend, it made me miss the feeling of love that i havent had in a long time. i just want love again. i guess she was always right when she called me a hopeless romantic. to be honest, i dont think you really want the same right now. would i KILL for you to want that.... maybe not kill, but close to it. but if not. then shit happens and we move on. i just want to know what your feeling and thinking for once. so please, just let me know. ill be okay.

ill live.

i might not be in the best position for love right now, but bare with me cause all i need is someone to love.

if i were to be honest about YOU. all id say is.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE LOVIN SOMEONE THATS IN A RUSH TO THROW YOU AWAY?!
thats all. that sums it all up

last night was interesting.

i heard what you said last night while we sat on the lawn chairs. i dont want you to like me. thats why i didnt ask "what?" so you could say it again. i just want us to have fun. i dont want to like you so im not going to, and likewise, i dont want you to like me. no its not weird that you feel like we are in a relationship because thats how we always act but as i said earlier, please dont like me. it wont turn out well for eaither of us. hopefully you get to reading this.
its funny how the whole night we said "i wish you/i could sleep over!" and look at what happened.

youll be fine. after all, you have everyone to help you. keep yo head up

i dont know what to do. your having so much fun without me in your life i almost dont want to have you back just so you can keep on having fun. well then theres the thought of, well chloe could bring me as her date and we could all have fun. but she doesnt want to bring me. why? she didnt really answer it completly, but it boils down to her just not wanting me there. (you have no idea how much that hurt me). so im stuck. i want you back, but there is so many things keeping me from having that. its eaither going to be all or nothing soon. i hate to say that but its true. i have a feeling it wont turn out well. why would you want me over all the fun your having?
we know what we have to do but refuse to do it.