my life

my life...
has become a gloomy expierence with little reflections of light. my life has been consisting of faking and lieing and forcing. i have to fake a good mood when all are expecting me to be funny. i have to lie when people ask if im ok or why im so quiet or last night when my mom asked why i as screaming. i dont want to lie anymore. you ask why its so easy to lie to you, maybe because i do it 100's of times a day. and i have to force a smile, i have to force myself to get up when all i want to do is be by myself. i have to force an energetic out going attitude and i have to force myself to remain the guy that everyone knows me as. people can not know of my fluxuating moods. they would go crazy, they would get annoyed because there is so much change. i do think i am bipolar. i have been told that from past girlfriends and best friends and every day im noticing it more and more. i have no more real positive emotion anymore. nothing can make me happy... truely joyful. not singing because i just realize how shitty my voice is. not football because i realize how im not amazing at that eaither. im not even good at being myself. i dont know how to be myself anymore. what can i do right. i havent seen zech in 3 weeks so hopefully he will throw some life into this body of mine. i cant make my best friend happy because she wants me but i want someone else. i cant make my mom happy because she sees something is eating me up inside yet i cant tell her or dont know how. god damn, not even WOW makes me happy anymore. i cant even look at the game without geting an upset stomach. it seems as though, if nothing changes, for the most part i will continue on this dull ride.

these days are showing more and more the pattern they hide. its waking up and not finding any texts, its having to think that the reason i didnt get any texts from her is because shes texting him and isnt thinking about me, its going to school and seeing friends that dont make me happy, having to think if while she is texting me she is texting him, its seeing her at school and only thinking about if she has lied to me recently, going from class to class hoping something comes up. inside i feel like the guy that sits in the back of the corrner that puts his head down and doesnt talk to anyone.i just want to be alone sometimes.