philosophical point of view

i wish i didnt care so much. that should be my name. everyone should know me as that cause its true.
i just want to not care about anything and then if shit happens then it happens, if it doesnt then who cares? not me!

TODAY SUCKED!!! thats all i can say for today was that it sucked. although, i let one more person know not to touch me like that.
often times i wonder who will make me blow up. who will honestly make me explode. sometimes i worry because i think that when i do, i will be harmfull and dangerous and vicious. who ever it is will wish they hadn't.

my mom just told me that my dad said that he is going to be leaving. do i believe him? no, because he lies all the time and is not honest about anything. it will be good though. now my mom can be solo and happy and kev can go off and do his own thing. its not like he hasnt already detached himself from this family anyway. the only problem with this is that im not strong enough to be the man of the house. i dont think im in the right mental state to be the man of the house. i have had to do it before when i was 14 for a year and then i did what was needed and necessairy for this household to work. but i am alot different now than i was when i was 14. yes i am alot stronger and bigger, but my mental state is uncomparable. im not stable. is it because i dont have a love life? i find myself wishing for just a love life that works. i just want a girlfriend but no girlfriends (that i want) want me. i swear, as soon as a girl tells me they want me like i want them, shit be rollin. im done with this waiting and looking. i was so much stabler when i had a girlfriend and a companion. its a rare thing for me to find. alot of girls dont mind hooking up or telling me im cute but few dare to go beyond that point of saftey. why am i not worth the risk? i take plenty of risks for girls. i have liked hooking up for the past 6 months, but now its time that i really want a relationship again. i want that security, those arms to go to and without even saying a word, she knows what is wrong. but will that happen soon? nahhh! never does for me. ever. the one girl, yes im talking about her, i feel wants the same thing i want but just not with me. which is cool ill get over it, i dont want to, but i will.
wanna know whats weird lately? usually im a really sexual person, but sex isnt even good to me, if feels good in the action, but it doesnt appeal to me. its kinda like a burden. like "ugh i have to get up to go have sex ugh" its w.e
ya know what i hate? the fact that i will allways hold my friends up ALWAYS! its so cliche to have people say that im here to talk to you when you need. but i really dont lie, i dont care if im in the worst mental state of my life, i will hold you up with everything i have and keep your head above water, even if im drowning undeath you. thats how i am. i will sacerfice (spelled wrong) myself for my friends any day.
sometimes i used to think this back when i was in juniorhigh: a man would walk on to the campus with guns up and down his body, and he came to the room i was in and said i have to kill one person in this room. i always pictured myself being the first one to step up to the barrel. why am i accepting of death? do i want to die? is me dieing like killing 2 birds with one stone? i could get away from all the problems of the world and i could save the other people in the class. people dont like when i talk about me dieing probally because they think its bad luck, they would be supprised at how relaxed i am towards death.

as my mother is doing with her money, i am going to try to cut back on bad things in my life so if you see yourself fading from my life...... theres a reason for that. i feel that no one is exempt from this cut. ive even thought about cutting zech if he turns out to be a bad influence or isnt making me happy, and for me to even think about cutting zech says alot aboy my seriousness towards this.

"william are you ok" my mother asks
"im ok!" i respond while knowing that im lieing 100% of the time.
"are you sure? you seem upset" she asks worried
yes mom im fine dont worry" i reply wishing that i could learn how to let this all out

im holding so much in. i feel like a stormy sea and all i want is someone to come calm me. although there will be alot of stuff held inside me, she can calm me and make me happy. i dont feel comfortable around many people anymore. i dont feel like a person... wow its no wonder no one wants to be with me. im a wreck and a piece of good looking shit. what do i have to say for myself now? who would take me now? ..... thought so.

well, my life is not hard. it is merely harder than other times in my life.