i will be laying this on you like i have done in the past. it will be in my control as all other expierences have been. you most likely wont like this, but as all other times, i must inform you.
now i want you to know that this is not a definate answer in any way. just my thoughts =]
i do not know what to do. i told you that by next thursday (a week and 4 days from now) i would have the answer to wether i would ask you out or not. i also told you that for the past couple weeks, my feelings in you have been increasing. well that is all true until the last three days.
the past three days have been.... intresting. thats a good word. intresting. see, i have hung out with you 2 of the 3 days and for the most part, our time together has gone rather well. well comming home from those occassions, i notice myself reminiscing on the night and im seeing myself as if it were a movie and my thoughts were captions. these expierences have been delightful for both of us, but i havent been doing as i should. see with this whole week and 4 day thing approaching, i should be hangingout with you and picturing you as my girlfriend to see if i think it could work. and what is have been doing is not much of that.
see, i was trying to do just that at the mall when i was with you and mo, and i couldnt. i couldnt grow the courage, faith, feelings, call it what you like, but i couldnt grow enough of it to continue that thought. you remained a friend to me in my eyes. my BEST friend at very least. this will most likely stab your heart as i have done many times in the past.
i want you to know that every day, every hour actually, i am thinking about you and i. constantly it haunts me and tortures me for an answer. well let me tell you, for the boy that will do anything no matter what you say, I AM SO SCARED. i am so scared to lose you. you say i wont, but you are always mortal.
i want to be with you for a few reasons. those being; if there is anyone that is perfect for me, it is only you, that it will revive your soul from the hell which i have tossed you into since i met you, and that it MIGHT work out.
i dont want to because i have yet to grow the feelings to convince myself that we should be together as stated above. because if we go out, and we work out for a while but then break up, im affraid that we are too close now that when we break up, it would be a tragic explosion that (if you picture you and i like a planet) would end all but little life on earth. it would be hard to come back from that and grow into where we are at now. because i feel alot more comfortable keeping you and i where we are now than venturing out to see what might be there. because i just dont know. i just do not know right now.
this is a suggestion that you gave to me. im not sure how much you actually want this to happen but this is what i THINK you said.
that we should go out and just see if it works and if eaither one of us doesnt feel comfortable with it than we can end it and just go back to friends. is that right?
well if it is, than i dont know what cloud you were on when you said that because that doesnt sound like something you would say.
"='( i cry every night about it. i love that girl as much as you do. i would give myself for that girl in a heart beat, but for what ever reason i cant make her happy." WJB in a conversation with a potential friend.
this is so cliche, but no matter what happens with us, wether we go out and we work out or we dont go out and you hate me for a couple weeks, i love you more than everyone else in the world minus 2 people. no one will be more faithful and gentle with you than i. i will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be there for you no matter how much you hate me. im a great listener (except lately ugh).
if we do not go out just remember this. "chloe dont cry i know, your trying your hardest and the hardest part is letting go of the nights we shared." the song does not fit this occasion but this line can be manipulated into a way that does.
if we do not go out, it will not be so i can continue flirting with girls or hooking up. i will be writing a blog about that after this. if you read that one before this, than you will already know.
i hope this answers any unanswered questions you had. if not, please by all means ask me. you know my favorite thing in the world is questions.
i love you more than you will ever know,
William James Beaumont
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