fucking flirtatious feelings

i need to stop. i am not the only one telling myself this (i cant change the font of the words, this is bugging me to no end) many people are telling me to stop and that it looks bad. i need to stop being so easy to flirt with. i dont like it at all. there needs to be a way of being professionally flirtatious, but still be off limits. i think i have found that way and that would be to stop being flirtatious with EVERYONE like i usually do. thats just who i am, i like making people smile and laugh, ha being myself must not be a good thing because it ruined my last relationship. im trying to stop every conversation i have ever since this idea dawned on me. with the "appointments" i have scheduled to hang out with girls, im looking at the completly different. i am not even thinking, "what if we hook up?" which is a usual thought before hanging out with someone. i want to change completly. this popular boy with good looks (i think) isnt who i am. i dont want to be the "easy" guy at all. i wish i could be the guy that girls think are kinda cute but keeps to himself, isnt weird, is in shape, but doesnt have alot of girl relationships. id like that. to have few but amazing relationships and friends. i think its intresting how when i was that not so attractive guy, the guy that didnt have alot of girls i wanted to be the popular guy with every girl in the world all over me and that was really cute. well now that i have gotten there, i wish i could just be a NORMAL guy. not even below normal, just normal guy, just another kinda cute guy.

the first thing that comes to mind is, "be careful what you wish for!" i bet that if i were ever to become the normal, kinda cute guy, i would miss the attention i have and wish i could be where i am now. this sucks.

maybe, this whole attention whore thing that i am/was, was just because i dont have the attention of my father. its so dumb and cliche that im blaming it on my dad because i HATE when people say that divorce effects them. i have blinded myself from the epicenter of the feelings for so long. i have unvailed it piece by piece as time has gone by. i am going to be a hypocrite with this, but i have a new outlook on it. i dont believe people should be able to just go around blaming their imperfections on their parents or boyfriends or anything but themselves aimlessly. i think that it is OK ONLY IF you have put time into thinking about your problem. i can not positivly say that it is my dads fault that i feel i have a lack of attention, but i think it is a possibility for sure. one thing that would make sense in my mind but im so against that to no end.

i will never know definatley, but i hope this is the mental abuse that happens to all highschool kids. i feel so different from everyone else. i feel like i dont agree with the.... proto call? proto que? cutoa call? i dont know the phrase, but i feel i dont belong with anyone else except for a few in highschool. why do i feel so different? my conversations with my parents are drastically different than that which i hear of from friends. my train of thought is different..... hell my THOUGHT are just eaither revolutionary for my age, or they are way out of wack. i cant tell which is the normal side to recede to. i feel like there is someone that is a psychopath in my brain writing down what i am to think. my thoughts are not suscidal, antisocial nothing like that, just different than what other people tell me they are thinking about. sometimes i feel in prison and i have no control over my thoughts. my thoughts are so powerful on me sometimes. i feel sometimes that if i think hard enough about a pencil infront of me, that i can lift it just with my thoughts. i want to be myself, but i dont know who i am. i feel that i left myself behind me on the road that i have long driven on. i wish there was an easy way to discovering myself again. it will come in due time.

Let it be, Let it be, Let it be,

Let it be, whisper words of wisdom,

Let it be!"

In future respect,

William James Beaumont