Lord help me

this writing will intale three pieces put into one long work. they will be about very different people who hold very different places in my life. they all mean something to me. both of these girls held intrest in my heart. they held positions i didnt hand out, positions i dont under estimate.

first, Lauren!
What a gal! what a wonderful girl. makes my day every time i saw her. Low and behold to her, i had such strong feelings for her. one day while holding her while watching a movie, i whispered to her, "you really are amazing." also, unbenounced to her, i meant it. i thought we both were on the same page, the same road that would soon meet to make one. i truely thought.... in a matter of days, maybe weeks that we would be together. i was horribly wrong. i wish i had ignored that call of her's. on the otherhand, she called me. as always, i welcomed her with a "hello lauren!" she acted very... calm, collected, controlled. she said "can we talk for a minute?" the conversation carries on and she reveales to me that she has emense feelings for a guy named billy. a boy ive heard of in prior conversations, but one i never expected to be a threat in any way. she said she felt "guilty" after kissing me, that she was "using me" in some way. this could not be true i thought. how could two people with equal feelings use one another. she then said that in all honesty, im a only a friend to her, a mere friend... That ruined my day. there goes one of the two girls i was intrested in.

Megan,
See, the problem with megan, is purely her age. Not only her age because she will make sure you KNOW that she is 15, but her maturity level. I have told myself over and over again, no younger girls!!! they just screw me over time and time again. why put myself through that again. what a waste of time. see, i am way way way over the whole, romantic, courting, blushing stage. i want to find a girl that is available, knows what she wants, and will go for it. why is that so hard to come by? Megan is NOT available, she does NOT know a damn about what she wants, and EVEN if she DOES know what she wants, she WILL NOT reach a finger out to grab it! In all respect, i will come back to the fact that her maturity level is exactly where it should be.... with the people she communicates with daily. (which would be freshmen) i have always warned myself to stay away from freshmen on a relationship level, and as i said before, they always screw me over. now, this girl is not all bad what so ever. shes a GREAT girl. she is pretty, great height, has manners, loves her family, morals, flirtatious and has a wonderful sense of humor. she was the girl that i could not get. she was the girl that, no matter how much i wanted to see her, i had no control over the matter.


how could this be? not to toot my horn, or rattle my bells, but when can william not seduce and court any girl he pleases like he has done in the past? SINCE IT HAPPENS TO FAIL WITH EVERY GIRL HE WANTS! every damn girl that i have ANY intrest in fails to have intrest in i. but all these girls that i do not notice want to brag about how i hugged them, or smiled at them. why? im obviously not great enough tocourt a woman i, myself want. lord help me. i just want to find a girl that knows what she wants. and until then, all i can do is going from intresting girl to intresting girl. not saying that any of the listed females meant anything less than what was noted, simply implying that they are not the first, and will not be the last.

these last couple nights of mine have been lonely to say the least. i wake up to no textmessages in which i normally wake up to at least one. i dont have anyone to text during the day. i have no one to call at night. i did as megan to hang out, but not to my astonishment, she declined as always. no suprise there, just thought i would offer the gesture that is so rapidly running dry.

my mother always said that i should enjoy what i have (alot of girls wanting me) because some boys wish they could have just one day of it. WELL IT SUCKS! i would rather be the ugly loner with his girlfriend than myself with tons of girls that i dont want. want to know what else sucks? the fact that i STILL WANT THEM! if megan were to get her head on straight and figure out what she wants, then i would love to be there (that wont happen but if it does...) and if lauren decides that her billy boy doesnt work out, and that she actually would like a relationship then i would ask her the minute i found that out. i just dont get why this is so hard. im not unattractive as both girls have admitted to me, im not mean, im polite, and both parents love me. what is the issue here? again, must i say it, Lord help me.