a drive with my thoughts

wow this makes me very unattractive... greattttt
this is how i invision myself....
a drive with my thoughts
Being in love...
can hurt? can it really hurt? can it penetrate the greatest barrier you set forth for your emotions? can it change your outlook on life? can it really make you feel not even worth a shitty little bronze penny? make you feel like you are truly lost without the one you love? can it make you look for miles around for her, look in every crack and every crevice? it drives you crazy because you hate her but you know that everything you do is for that one sole person. it can can tear you from the insides out, having to deal with her, yet it can mend and build you from the bottom up. it can be the most spiritual, upliftment one has ever felt. it can truly demolish you when its lost, it truly can bring a man to his knees begging and pleading even though he knows that his fingers are slipping every minute and he cant hold on much longer.

getting over love...
is a terrifying act that we all must endure if we choose to truly play this game of life. it is a nightmare, it truly is something i wish on no one and no one should wish on another. getting over love is a process that takes time that no one should or can rush. it is something that makes months and months, if not years, of recuperation and mending of the heart. although love is an emotion and it deals with the heart shaped "organ" inside us, when love is lost, it feels as if both hearts, the "organ" and the actual pumping, beating, and living heart are ripped from the inside of you and hammered, beat, slashed and thrown away. it takes the breath out of your lungs when its lost, when the realization that you are now wandering with no map, with no guiding star, and no one by your side to be with you. getting over love for me has been filled with pressure from everywhere.... other girls, myself, family, and friends all expect me to magically forget about her and all the wonders she did, but its not easy and i wish they would know that. i want to punch it into every one of them just so they could know what im going through. none of them have any idea how hard this is for me to see her walking down the sidewalk with another guy when just a year ago it was me by her side smiling and laughing with one another. why doesnt anyone see it? why cant they let me do it in the natural way. why does every person i talk to have her face yet tell me to forget her? JUST STOP! GIVE ME TIME! GIVE ME SPACE! let me cray a little. let me be me! for once let me show my emotion to myself and to my friends!!!! i just want to be me, which is a shy boy that doesnt have many friends, that sticks to his 2, maybe 3 best friends and his family for support, that cries himself to sleep some nights for no god damn reason, that ponders the very reason he was put on this earth. i want to be me again. i dont want waves of females holding me and touching me. why cant i be me anymore? what has changed me so much that people are preventing me from becoming the butterflyi want to become? i have always dreamt about my future of becomming a nice, successful, polite, respectful man with a great family. BUT NOT THIS! this isnt what i want. is it because of my body? i got this body so i could finally look at myself and be happy, but this body has grown to be a costume hiding the true soul that i own. i want the real me to be show, but i cant tear the skin off to show it. what is sad is that no one, not one person knows me. not alix, not my mom. not even my best friends know me! why may you ask? because the real me iwsh all these emotions is unattractive, its wrong, it is hell inside one little boys head. if people knew how much torture i put myself through, they would isolate me from civilization because of the horror that is me. what could possibly make me like this? my shit for a father that has the gall to call himself a father? my mother who is my hero but shows me what not to be like at the same time? could it be the embarrassment i get from my siblings not being all what i know they could be and what they should expect from themselves? i truly dont know. it might be the fact that i dont tell anyone my emotions, nor do i release these demons into the perfect world. its amazing what someone can hold inside. one day my sister actually her way through all my walls talking about how my bad my father was to me and how i dont have a father and how i kid myself every time i call him dad and i freaked out on her. i threw chairs, i hit her, i broke glass, i punched holes, i let the devil out of the cell that i confined him too. although the family is now someone scared to bring my father up again, they will never believe that that is only a fraction of the anger i have inside me, its only a grain of sand in my heart.

anger, to me is the emotion that makes camp in my heart, it is the one that stays..... forever and doesnt leave. it digs deeper and stores itself at the very pit of my herat to rarely to be stirred from its comfort. happiness is the one thing that moves on. it never stays, it only passes by for a few hours and then leaves my soul and my thoughts unless a new form of happiness reappears on the horizon. very few things or people can give me a constant flow of happiness which is essentially how i gage who my friends are. surprisingly, my family is one of the lowest forms of happiness for me. having to listen to my mom complain about her husband, her previous husband (my father), and the husband before him. having to deal with my sister that i love so much, transform into a which and scream and lose control ov herself. having to deal with being the anchor for my family. and my mother.... i cant stand her sometimes!!!!! i love her and she loves me so much but she gets so angry over kevin and then comes down stairs and tries to tell me that i shoudnt be listening to music while writing this very paper. what right does she have to tell me what i need to write aabout and what i dont need to write about? then she starts talking about grades..... FIX YOUR OWN GOD DAMN LIFE BEFORE YOU TRY AND TELL YOUR CHILD HOW TO LIVE HIS! i will be a better person with or without her. i hate saying that because i love her with all my heart and she is my best friend, but i can get through this life without keeping anyone that i know currently. i can do this on my own. i dont need people to go to for emotional reasons because i have never gone to anyone for those reasons before. i am strong and ever growing. there is nothing that can stand in my path besides the very being walking it. this is as far as my thoughts will take me tonight. perhaps they will pick me up and we can go on a father drive another night.
to whom it may concern,
William James Beaumont